Letter to Logan:

We miss you angel, today you would have been one month old, so it’s officially a month of cuddling and care we never got to give you 🙁
You were born too early so that time would have been spent in hospital, but we wouldn’t have minded, I can imagine how sick the nurses would have gotten of Mommy and Daddy cause we would never want to leave your side, and you know Granma would have been there all the time too.
You really stole her heart little one, just yesterday she told me about how you winked at her in NICU, too precious for words.
Daddy told me they couldn’t hear your heart before you were born, doctors gave up hope, but you showed them. You might have only stuck around for a day, but it was much more than anyone expected.
Daddy is really proud of you, calls you his little fighter, and I agree. They say you had bleeding on the brain, I can just imagine how Eina that must have been my sweet boy. But you stuck it out, believe me, knowing that will change my outlook on headaches.
I’m so glad you not in pain anymore baba, me and daddy are both glad, we only wanted the best for you and having you out of pain is best. I imagine you in heaven playing with the angels, bringing them as much joy as you did us.
Don’t be sad when you see me cry baby, I know it seems like that is all I do these days, its just because I miss you and I have all this love stored up that I was supposed to give you here on earth , I think it’s coming out as tears now, but don’t be sad, I understand you had to go,your time on earth was through (but between us boy, I m still angry you had to go, not angry with you, hun, never angry at you, angry in general I guess)
Its been a month now and I think the people who say time heals wounds might be wrong because every day I miss you a little more.
Daddy and I talk about you all the time and hope that one day we will be blessed with siblings for you and that they will have the same fighting spirit you have.
We love you angel boy, always and forever.

Love Mom and Dad

Can a woman forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Isaiah 49:15

The answer is NO and even though I’m working hard to piece together my life and not be defined by my mourning, I’m only human.
A human being who lost that which was most precious to her!
I know often people don’t know what to say to me, I prefer THAT honesty “I don’t know what to say”, “I’ll pray for you”, “I’m sorry for your loss”
Stop trying to hurry me along like I’m a sheep, holding up the flock you are trying to get into the kraal.
You wouldn’t tell a widow to get over it because she can always find another husband, so why tell me to move on because I can always try again?
I love Logan, I want Logan! Its not an any baby will do situation…
Let me be sad, it is sad dammit!
Let me have my downs, I make up for it with my ups.
Let me beat my chest out of frustration or let my tears fall without being prompted.
I grew up thinking, You get pregnant, you carry to term, go to hospital and bring back a baby.
This is news to me! Not every mommy gets to hold their babies and that some are born into heaven?!?
What is even more shocking is that I am one of those mommies! I thought that was for movies or happened long ago, before medical technology was advanced.
When I was little I visited the cemetery with my grandmother and the baby graves always broke my heart, I’d look at them and say a prayer to the family left behind, because while the babies are safely cradled by the angels, the families are expected to move on… Who knew I’d be on the other side of that prayer one day.
I was pondering that at Logan’s grave yesterday feeling oh so sorry for myself when a butterfly landed on a flower next to me, it allowed me to take pictures -practically touching it with my phone – but as soon as I reached out to touch it with my hand, the butterfly flew away—a little too familiar for me 🙁

So it’s been raining a lot lately, so much that I started worrying about Logan’s grave…The new ones always get destroyed in the storms.
We got there and CONFUSION set in, all the new graves showed storm damage, mud and rocks everywhere, except the grave I assumed was Logan’s. That one seemed untouched.
His grave stood neatly, with the flowers we had left, but strangely little glass pots were added as vases, plastic bottles were filled with flowers and water, and there stood a white cross with a giant wooden heart, but no name.
I didn’t understand! This is where I thought he was, who placed the stuff there? Or what if I was at the wrong grave, how could we not know where our little boy is!?!
Queue the tears 🙁 feeling like the worst parents ever.
We asked all the family members we could think of, and they were confused too, no1 had cleaned up or placed the objects there.
Its been more than two days of asking everyone we can think of, the council, the funeral undertakers, everyone.
They were all confused, one of the care takers told us this grave had been visited by a young couple (not us) maybe it was them. More confusion!
My dad saw how everything was upsetting me and went to ask everyone one last time. While he was there another caretaker showed up and revealed all…
Turns out, a caretaker was listening when the Monday after the funeral I told Robin how bad I felt that there was no marker on grave and that it looked so unkept. I was sad because they said to wait for ground to set before we can build a little memorial thing and put up a headstone and I didn’t like the idea of leaving him looking so unloved and un-cared for (the headstone I want is going to take some saving up – they are surprisingly expensive and we certainly didn’t budget for it) so turns out the caretaker took pity on us and has been keeping Logan’s grave neatend up and put the cross there so I knew where he was.
I know he expected some payment but I must say it still warms my heart to have someone looking out for Logan when I couldn’t.
Also to the young couple whoever you are, I appreciate the visits 🙂

So yesterday was a bad one, I woke up missing Logan so much! I struggled to get out of bed and I guess the stormy weather didn’t help much (cold + healing incision = OUCHY). I spent a lot of time just thinking of my little boy and surfing the net looking at blogs of other moms of angel babies (needed some proof that things get better)
It’s on these blogs where I found all these creative memory walls for babies who left way to soon.
Moms used the names of their babies on collages, drawings and photographs and since I find myself feeling frustrated with having so little memories and pictures of Logan 🙁 I thought that would be a good idea, incorporating my love of photography with my angel’s name.
So here’s what I came up with
– the white letters are all from me
– the heart chalkboard (a christmas gift) is a constant fixture in our joint “home office”
– the angel and foam card was made by my younger cousin and given to us at funeral
– the others are from websites that honour angel babies:
Blue rose
http://www.angelbabynames.blogspot.co.uk//

Stones
http://www.vermontangels.blogspot.com/
Sand
http://namesinthesand.blogspot.co.uk/?m

I woke up missing Logan so much this morning, being Thankful is not exactly first thing on my mind.
I lay in bed looking around trying to determine how I could be thankful while I feel so angry and sad and even a little betrayed.
And then I thought, it’s God’s grace.
After every panic attack I feel a sense of calm, after every chapter out of the “I hate my life book” comes a passage from “things will get better”. Every time I feel down someone contacts me out of the blue to lift me up.
So that is what I’m thankful for, the little mercies and God’s Love 🙂

“Appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; ” Isaiah 61:3