It’s ten months since we said goodbye

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Letter to Logan

So it’s ten months already…. your head stone is up with your little hand and foot embossed on it, I’ve placed all your memorabilia in a little box with a big blue bow and we have scans,birth certificate and so on framed…your garden is being kept neat … but that’s it, sadly there is nothing else we can do for you. As time moves on things change, like the fact that you will be a big brother soon and at the end of this week we reach the point with him where we lost you and we are so scared, we do not want to go through this heartache again, not with your loss still so new and gnawing…
Ten months on we speak about you less…we don’t visit your grave as much but we still love you as much as ever little man, we still shed tears thinking back and still think of you as our first child, our little angel…your story has touched so many and I am so proud to be your mommy

LOVE YOU ALWAYS

Warmed by snow

To date I have still not had the chance to see and play with actual snow, it’s one of those things I’m desperate to do even though Rob insists it’s not as exciting as I think – He is bad with extreme weather conditions though, so I say his opinion does not count – Anyway though I have not yet had the chance to experience snow…Logan has, well sorta. A fellow blogger and mom of an angel sent me these pictures and it really warmed my heart…. She made a heart in the snow for Logan, it means so much when he is still thought of, MEANS THE WORLD! Thanx Shauna

“Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and Logan today. It finally snowed here so I ran out and made a snow heart for Logan by my Angel Tree.”

((Hugs))
Shauna Cox

Nine months ago . . .

 
9months ago today at 12.05am a beautiful little boy was born.

Just hours before his birth both him and his mother had doctors doubting their survival, her husband/ his father was being prepared to lose them both.

He ignored all negativity and prayed harder than he had ever prayed in his life, against a backdrop of his wife’s eerie calmness, the sight of blood, the sound of heart monitors and doctors averting their eyes from the stares of a family hungry for answers…

Mother and son had both been spared, elation echoed the halls of the hospital, hearts overflowed with gratitude…
 
Until the very next day when the  beautiful little boy passed away, tired from fighting and too small to cope, he left the earth and the arms of a desperate family. Elation was replaced by heart breaking agony…

The mother survived (lucky they say, though she’s not always so sure) moving forward as best she can with a uniquely shaped hole in her heart that can never be filled…

How has it been nine months already?

How has it only been nine months?

(Logan, I carried you for six and a half months, you were here for two days, we will love you forever)

Do you believe in dreams?

25facts.com

 
A friend mentioned to me this morning that I’m so blessed to have God speak to me in dreams, I never thought of it like that, I know that I have pretty vivid dreams but recently they seem to have a link to my life (or I like to think they do)
 
Like about two weeks ago I dreamt that I only had 10days left with Rob before he died, so we were making this list of things to do before he had to go, a bucket list of sorts.  The next morning I told him about the dream and he calculated that 10 days referred to day he would be travelling back home from a ceremony in Pretoria.
This freaked him out a bit and we started praying vigilantly, a friend of his actually backed out of trip because of bad feeling. So yesterday, DAY 10, they travel back and low and behold, they are involved in an accident, a piece of lumber fell of a truck ahead of them hitting the taxi they were travelling in, it was a very close call, but no one was hurt! The vehicle was damaged and they added a couple of hours to their trip but that’s it…. I like to think God was telling us to watch out J

Then last night I dream of our baby, this busy little girl with her mother’s talent of turning a clean room into chaos in seconds, she had dark hair and a round face and somehow I just recognized her, this is such a different experience from when I was pregnant with Logan, I dreamt of him as a young man of about 20 and never in the dream could I see his face (pretty sure I blogged about it then) I kept trying to see him but never could, he just walked away surrounded by all these kids that were looking up to him and I remember telling my mom the next morning that he looked like such “a nice person” someone I could be proud of…. How weird and different is that…. I like to think last nights dream means that we will be able to watch our baby grow up. J
 
I know you could say I’m looking into things that don’t exist and that my dreams are all a coincidence but I prefer to think of it as a Godincidence!

To Logan on his 8-month “heavenaversary”

Dear LogieBear

I was looking at your 3d scan pics this morning, you looked like such a happy baby. Everyone who had the pleasure of meeting you says you had such a pleasant demeanour – despite the pain you must have been in (I hope you sibling gets that fighting spirit from you) I miss you a lot this week angel and can’t seem to think of you without getting all misty eyed.

If they were able to save you you would be eight months old now and I can’t help but wonder who you would take after, whose eyes do you have? whose smile? would you be a grouch in the morning like your dad? or suffer from a midday slump like your mom? I wonder if you grew up would you and your sibling  have been a terrible two-some getting into mischief together or would you always be fighting and have to be separated (like me and your uncle).

It looks like you’ll have a little sister in a couple of months and its sad that she will never get to know you 🙁
but thanks to you I know we will appreciate her more, we will be better parents and will envelope her in love and I know this baby will be extra special as she has an angel for a big brother 🙂

I miss you angel, now and forever

Killing me with “kindness”

 
 
This is fair warning that I’m slowly starting to get annoyed and that if it wasn’t for my daily affirmations you might see me on the cover of a tabloid with an intro that reads something like “Fed-up bereaved mother been found guilty of killing ‘well wishers’ with household items”

The reason for my murderous rampage would probably stem from “well wishers” insinuating that I have somehow brought Logan’s death on myself.

I swear if one more person tells me to “look after myself THIS TIME”, “not to fall back into my old habits”, “look after THIS one” I am going to FLIP.

What on earth do people think I got up to while pregnant with Logan? Drunken binges followed by bungee jumping? I still miss him so much it hurts! how dare you insinuate that I didn’t do my very best to keep him safe!

Other people may think I’m being sensitive,but with all the emotional turmoil that comes with neonatal death I personally think I have every right to be annoyed. When people tell me things like:

 – “Stop prancing around in your high heels-you saw what happened last time” (What the heck do heels have to do with anything, besides I was too swollen to wear heels last time and I wear heels like once a week this time-flats are just easier right now)
– “Dress warmer or do you want history to repeat itself” (As far as I remember I did not freeze Logan to death!!!)
– “Why would you wear black again, it’s bad luck, you saw what happened” (The colour of your clothes has no effect on the viability of a pregnancy, you are bad luck, GO AWAY)
– “Hope you are not running around like you did last time, that could have easily caused the problems” (Are you stupid? I spent all my time at work or in bed with my legs elevated? Run around? I couldn’t if I wanted to! – That aside blaming an active lifestyle for a child’s death is STUPID)
 
Those are just some of the comments I get! makes me think people are stupid and just like to hear themselves speak! Here is what happened to me:

I had  A placental abruption which is a serious condition in which the placenta partially or completely separates from your uterus before your baby’s born.

The condition can deprive your baby of oxygen and nutrients, and cause severe bleeding that can be dangerous to you both. A placental abruption also increases the risk that your baby will have growth problems (if the abruption is small and goes unnoticed), be born prematurely, or be stillborn.
Placental abruption happens in about one in 150 pregnancies. It’s most common in the third trimester but can happen any time after 20 weeks.

I DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS AND DO NOT APPRECIATE INSINUATIONS TO THE CONTRARY!!!
Okay, vent over, I know most people are just trying to help, and everyone has a foot in mouth incident now and again (I have too, oh so many times) but hopefully at least one person who stumbles across this post will think twice before giving others “advice” that hurts more than it helps