Category: lovinglogan

Seven months in heaven

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Yesterday marked, Logan’s seven month heavenaversary, Its so strange how the pain is still so raw, but also so much more manageable, we are slowly learning to live with him in our hearts instead of in our arms, but given the choice we would pick him up from our dreams, hold him tight and never let go. Some things in life you cant control, and others you can, we cant bring him back, even if my heart aches to do just that, but we can control how we let this loss affect us. It is inevitable that this will change us, the question is… will it make us or break us, I like to think that both Rob and I are/have grown through this, in many ways this vulnerability has made us strong,

We still miss you our little boy and vow to life a life to make you proud . . .

Missing what could have been

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I miss Logan a lot today, missed him even more  last night, I can’t help but wonder what he would have been like- two weeks shy of the 7 month mark – would he be grabbing at things and smiling at me, would he be a handful or a quiet little thing.

I stare at his photos and videos and it breaks my heart that, that is IT, I had the 6th of March with him nothing more L

I used to be one of those people who cared A LOT about what other people thought, not so much anymore (losing so many people you care about will do that to you), I can imagine a few people rolling their eyes and thinking “get over it already” and quite frankly it is their prerogative to think that way. I can’t expect anyone who hasn’t lost their newborn baby to understand the woulda, coulda, shoulda that plagues my mind daily.

I know I sound paranoid and many people are thinking, “surely people aren’t that mean Eleanor” but you would be shocked at the comments I get, the advice pertaining to forgetting what happened and moving on, not “dwelling” and the thinly veiled references to feeling better after I have “replaced him”. Surely kids aren’t interchangeable, we are three siblings and I like to think that if I died, the words, “hey at least I still have two other children” or “Guess we will make another Eleanor” would never cross my mothers lips. It’s the same for me, my love for Logan is not transferable.

Granted I did not know him for that long, but its more than long enough to form that unmistakable mother child bond that keeps me up nights reminiscing of his angelic face.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH…I go about my day to day and I’ve learnt to cope. With the amount of pregnancies, baby showers and births around me, how could I not, but some days the longing hits me like a ton of bricks.

I don’t know if it’s because we made final decision regarding his headstone, or if it is because I’m nearing the end of my first trimester with his sibling, but all I know is I miss my baby…My aunt and I were talking about the seasons of your life, the winter, summer, autumn and spring time and how things have a way of “getting better” I feel like losing Logan was not just your average winter, it was a icy cold one where I got frostbite and lost a bunch of toes and will walk with a limp for the rest of my life.

I’ll learn to live, learn to cope, but that limp will always be slightly visible and today those scars HURT

 

MOMMY LOVES YOU LITTLE MAN!

Life right now. . .

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You know when you watch a movie and you see the characters do something and you say to yourself – or if you’re the vocal kind (guilty) you will say to your companion- “that’s so stupid! how could she do or say . . .?”
This happens in real life too,  you think you know yourself, you know that if  X happens Y will be your reaction, well that’s what you tell yourself until you find yourself slap bang in the situation and all your good intentions fly out the window.
I find myself in that very situation right now, just the other day I was steadfast in my belief system and now I find myself trembling as I type, do I have the courage to be faithful or the faith to be courageous?
Well do I?
 Well I’ve decided I do (fake it till you feel it) even though I can literally feel my blood pressure rising as I type this, I need to say this out loud so here goes, I’m pregnant! we are having a baby next year!
It comes as the most appreciated and pleasant shock EVER! We naturally have many fears and this is definitely not a naive state of being for us, especially with the pregnancy being monitored closely and me being put on meds, not to mention new life bringing back memories of life lost, but we feel extremely blessed.
We were told that we would need help getting pregnant and not to get our hopes up for anytime soon, so  we didn’t, we admitted to ourselves that we wanted to be parents, but never in our wildest dreams did we think our prayers would be answered like this and so quickly.
Our doctor (we love her to bits)  is extremely positive and happy for us and so are our families and close friends.
I know typing this is going against the advice of many people who are against me sharing the news openly and especially blogging it.
I know all these people have my best interest at heart, but that is not who I am, I cant hide this blessing we have received from God, I take telling people as a way of  “claiming” this life God is offering us, I can’t be preoccupied with peoples negative thoughts over my life, that is not who I am or how we live our lives. Not sharing the news might keep people from putting negative thoughts over your life (which I cancel in the name of the Lord)  but doesnt it also close the door to positive thoughts and prayers?
How can I be so open with my pain but not my happiness?
I have lost a lot this year, two amazing friends (both of whom taught me that life is short and that it is my responsibility to live it to the fullest) and a beautiful baby boy who I will always cherish.
But now I have good news to share and dammit I will share it,lol
I love my little rainbow already and love what she/he stands for:

My little Logan will be a big brother  and I know he shares our joy J

6months later, my vent

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It’s six months today, which means Logan has officially spent as much time in heaven as he did in my womb, I still miss him a lot!

I often look at his pictures and video and am in awe that I am his mother, that beautiful little boy was mine even if it was for a fleeting moment, I still think about him a lot, some days more than others, the other day someone commented that I must be over it now (I know they didn’t mean it as harshly as it come across) and thing is, No, “I’m not over it by now” My son was alive for a day and a half and I never got to hold him,  that’s not something you just “get over” I keep having to remind myself that people mean well, like all the people who tell me not to share the news when I get pregnant again (I had a full blown bump at 14weeks, don’t think people like me can hide even if we wanted to) they say it with best of intentions,  but telling me to hide my blessings  doesn’t really have a place in the way I live my life, I play it by heart, I’m an emotion driven person and if I want to scream something off the roof tops its my prerogative, I’m only gossiping about myself anyway 😉

Many people say to be cautious and not to be too vocal about my happiness (as if my excitement killed my baby-gee thanks)

I Spoke to a new friend the other day, she is also a blogger and lost her son a few hours after birth. She is now pregnant and decided to announce on her blog as soon as she was sure of results. Her reason for this?  she “didn’t want fear to steal one moment of joy”  (I like that)

We spoke about how I feel about putting the news of a rainbow baby “out there” (I’m not saying start a Facebook group about your pregnancy) just not being afraid to mention it on your blog or on the occasional status, to me it is a way of trusting in God to take the reigns, saying I’m so confident that things will be ok, I’m willing to say “I’m excited” out loud .

 I understand people are not trying to be mean they genuinely don’t want me to be hurt by peoples comments and reactions and “negative vibes” but ironically telling me to hide is hurtful on its own. When Logan died I was criticized for being so open with it, I never intended to be “that open” at first I told the world because congratulations messages were still flooding in after his death, “I had to say something” then people kept asking what happened, so I typed it up and put it on my blog, as a way of getting it out of my system (as only writing can) and a way to share my story without me having to relive it with every question, then my blog started helping other people and it started helping me (the best and cheapest therapy) so I have continued blogging (when the emotions hit).

I don’t get how sharing my happiness could be wrong, Janine’s (fellow blogger) words resonate with me,  she said,: “You need to be YOU,  follow your heart”. I guess in a way our honesty about our weaknesses becomes our strength, no1 can even gossip about me, I do it first 😉 I love living a honest uncomplicated life, I enjoy sharing my heart and my love of God and even though I am constantly being warned about peoples negative thoughts I cant help but think that keeping things secret would also keep away positive thoughts and prayers.

“If God is for you, who can be against you”

Baby love. . . welcome to the world little ones

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Blake and Riley

I’m finding myself in a weird state of happy meets fear at the moment, My friend, Robyn (the one who was  the maid of honour at my wedding) has had the most beautiful twins (Blake and Riley) and holding them (they are the first newborns I have held since Logan) has made me realize just how deeply losing Logan hurt, I find myself praying for them to be safe all the time and not the rational kind of prayer that everyone does, it’s way more “PLEASE GOD, NOT AGAIN” kind of prayer.

I’m freaked out by thoughts of their safety but at the same time  I am so thankful for their lives, these two angels, along with Hananiah (Danelle’s baby) , Samuel (Yolande’s baby), Jacqueline (Mechelle’s baby) and Levi (Jill’s baby)   –  who were all born after Logan – have in a way restored my faith in the fact that, babies can be happy and healthy and that “things can turn out great”.

I’d be lying if I said my happiness for them wasn’t tainted with a longing for my own happy ever after, that I didn’t want to cradle a healthy little baby too, but at the same time I’m so proud, I think they are just the cutest things and they have really  planted a seed of promise in the part of my heart where doubt and pain was.

The most amazing part of my love for these six babies (and those we are still waiting for JMoms you know who you are . . .) is that it comes from this amazing respect I have for their mothers who stood by me in my darkest hour, at the most critical times in their pregnancies – with tummies out to there –  they chose to be part of my support system and when they could have been at their happiest they chose to share my pain. I’m a very lucky girl J

 

Also my friends make the prettiest babies, hehe . . .
 

Hananiah

Samuel

Jacqueline

Levi
 

5 months today

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Today marks five months since our dear boy passed away. I found the following poem online, it really touched my heart and I just HAD to share:

Broken Chain
BY: Ron Tranmer

We little knew that day
God was going to call your name
In life we loved you dearly
In death,we do the same

It broke our hearts to lose you
You did not go alone
for part of us went with you,
the day God called you home

You left us beautiful memories,
your love is still our guide
and though we cannot see you,
you are always at our side

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again