Category: lovinglogan

My tattoo + prayer request

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So I have a tattoo now. . .  I never thought I’d get one, not because I have anything against tattoos, I just didn’t have anything I felt so strongly about, I’d etch it into my skin forever. When I was younger I toyed with the idea of getting a music note, I like music notes and since singing is such a big part of who me, it felt right, but then I never got around to it.

Then Logan died and ever since I’ve yearned for a way to have some sort of tangible memento of him, something that couldn’t be taken away like he was…that’s where the tattoo came in. I had a couple of design ideas and never knew what exactly I wanted, but then it hit me, his name (If you look back on my blog, he had that name from the very beginning) everyone knows it and it feels “right” to have it displayed so proudly – on my wrist. I also opted for a butterfly because that is what he is to me, My little butterfly, I had him in the cocoon of my womb and before I could catch him he had flown out of my reach. and it just so happens that every time I really miss him especially at his grave, butterflies will visit and it warms my heart to have this as a “connection with him” – well aware that people might think I’m reading way more into butterfly thing than there is, but I like to think of it as a God’incodence (phrase used by my friend, Leisl) Anyway I had it done in Uth at Tattoo Junkie and it was far less painful than I expected and I would recommend the owner, Ryan to anyone.
PS. I have a prayer request for all of you faithful people out there, two amazing women I know need divine intervention right now, one is battling with life threatening health problems and the other lost her baby just the other day. I don’t want to divulge anymore because it’s really not my place, but I have always believed in Mathew 18:20 “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I in the midst of them” so I believe the more people pray for them the better. So please say a silent prayer for them, God knows who I mean
HAPPY TUESDAY

To Logan (4 months in heaven)

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(this was written this weekend, but for some reason, did not update)
Today, July 7th, marks the fourth month since I held you, four months since my heart broke into a thousand pieces, four months of drs and therapists and loved ones trying to get me back to “a sort of normal”.
I’m doing “ok” apart from a few medical concerns and even our therapist thinks “We are nearing acceptance”.
Turns out acceptance has nothing to do with being ok something happened or even understanding why, I guess it just means we know now that we won’t see you on this earthly plain again, like David (of the bible) said when his son died,  ” I will go to him, but he cannot return to me!”
I love you my little man, miss you soooooo much, we all do!
Until we meet again…

a hug from abroad. . .

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This morning a fellow “mom of an angel” broke my heart (in a good way) with a kind gesture, as time goes on people, are satisfied that you must “be better now” and “what happened” is mentioned less and less, which is a good thing in some ways. But every now and again it’s nice to have Logan’s life acknowledged in whatever small way 🙂
I found out about Shauna on one of the many baby loss forums I had visited just after Logan died, After losing her own angel, she started a garden of pinwheels (she lives in the US) honouring babies that have become angels, way too soon. She blogs about them and her life on http://www.pinwheelsfromheaven.blogspot.com/ I asked her to add Logan and she ended up going way beyond that, creating these beautiful memorial settings, taking pictures and sending them to me. She used his name important dates and so on to make keepsakes for me; any one who lost a newborn (or had a baby born sleeping) will tell you that because they leave so soon, keepsakes are few and far between and every little gesture means the world.
Today, a day before we reach the 4month mark, she mailed me again, with a light drawing she did and just a message to check in. . . it means the world to be “remembered” by someone who has her own painful loss to deal with. . .
THANX SHAUNA
“BIG HUGS”

So this weekend I . . .

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Built a little memorial garden in our front yard. A very good friend of mine reminded me that I had set out to build one and just never got around to it. So armed with sandpaper, paint, flowering plants and gardening supplies I set out to make a little “Love Garden” in honour of Logan.
According to the experts, “A memorial garden provides a long-lasting tribute to a loved one who has passed away, as well as offers a place for the survivors to remember and to heal”
This is what I hope my tiny little garden will be.

WHAT I DID:

I sanded the concrete fence behind the section I’m using for a garden, I then painted it green, with little hand painted flowers, I also painted a section of it with chalk board paint so I could write down what ever mantra/phrase or verse was in my heart at the time.  (keep in mind handy work is not my thing and I now have a new found respect for painters)

It currently reads “No Fear, Just Faith” and “Love Live Laugh” both phrases that have deep meaning in my life in the moment.

I found a old bird bath among my moms gardening things and gave it a fresh coat of paint, I also picked up some pretty Chrysanthemums from a local nursery.
It is all a work in progress, but then again so is my healing . . .

Have a great week 🙂

Changeling

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Recently I have had a few friends voice concerns about me “changing” or having “changed” I know this comes from a good place and a hope that my personality wasn’t buried with Logan, but I tend to think change is inevitable and quite often a good thing.
We all change, humans change, that’s what we do and in cases where something THIS traumatic happens, it would be rather odd not to change.
 
I mean just a few months ago, it was a Monday, my husband was finally a qualified detective and we wouldn’t have to do the long distance marriage thing again EXTREME HIGH, that night my family was told that the doctors where doing all they could for Logan and myself, but our chances of survival did not look good EXTREME LOW, the next day I was told my son was alive and well (me too, they didn’t have to tell me that, obviously) and that the nurse’s biggest complaint with him was that he was so bouncy and busy he wouldn’t lay still in incubator, making administering meds to him difficult EXTREME HIGH, the next morning I’m told I get to meet my little man MOST EXTREME HIGH EVER then less than an hour later I’m told he had a brain bleed and passed away MOST GUT WRENCHING NAUSEATING LOW EVER!!!
 
How do you come out of that unchanged? It feels like my soul has been blanched, how can I be expected to be the same naive happy go lucky (albeit extremely emo) person I always was?
Fundamentally I’m the same, I laugh at the same silly jokes, I get upset at most of the same old things and I still love my family, God, my friends and fashion.
But I see things a little differently now, how could I not.
If you know someone who went through something like this or even went through it yourself I’m willing to bet, CHANGE OCCURRED, because you cant put a broken heart back together without a few cracks showing and change really isnt always a bad thing, caterpillars had to change to become butterflies. . .
 
Have a great Tuesday, it’s super, toes are about to fall off cold here.

Due to you

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Its supposedly my due date today, supposed to be 🙁
I took the week off because I just don’t want to face any1, being strong every day really takes it out of you, and today I don’t want to be strong! I don’t want to be careful of others feeling, I don’t want to be sure not to make others uncomfortable, my life is uncomfortable enough, the pain u feel imagining yourself in our situation is a fraction of what we live with, so today I just couldn’t care less.
I just want my son! I want to understand why everyone else gets to be pregnant then give birth then bring baby home, complain about pyjama drills and stretch marks and then take a billion pics of their baby and brag to any1 with a few minutes.
Meanwhile I’m that “poor girl”, shame “that one” the one who lost her baby, who never got to see him alive! The one whose baby is dead!/dood!/gone!not on earth anymore THAT GIRL!
The one who needs to “move on” to “try again” who “Is still young,with plenty of time”
Today I don’t care how strong ppl think I am! Today I want Logan safely in my arms, I want the aching inside to subside so I can breath! I want ppl to shove their advice where the sun doesn’t shine. You don’t know “exactly how I feel” if u haven’t put your hopes,dreams and love into a gorgeous bundle of joy and then have it ripped away from you, YOU DONT KNOW!
I appreciate the support I’m blessed by the care, but today I think I’m allowed to hurt, because you know what,
IT HURTS!!!!
I feel stupid and out of place and unfinished while everyone else who was pregnant around time I was has babies, IT HURTS and today I’m letting it hurt, tomorrow ill put big girl panties on, today, ill let tears fall freely, feel sorry for myself, and just think, IT SUCKS! Logan should be here, I’ll learn to live with it but today IT SUCKS
– Thanx to every1 who is there for me, and don’t worry about me today, it needs to be really dark before you see the light
Sent from my BlackBerry®