I just got off the phone with the lady at our medical aid, the midwife they had assigned to check up on us, I had to tell her you were gone and she “closed your file”
In the two months since you were called to heaven many people have had to “close your file” and that hurts, your birth certificate and death certificate were issued much to close to each other, our plans and dreams died with you and that is sad.
We were at your grave yesterday, but I’m sure you knew that, because as I stood there furious that cows had trampled your grave, shaking as I fought back tears and anger, you let butterflies come dance near the bouquet we brought for you, two giant butterflies,then a third and a forth, playfully dancing with each other in the midday sun, one came back, lingered above our heads before flying off and I knew it was you sending me a message, reminding me that the grave is nothing more than a resting place for your body, your soul flies free, no longer bound to earth.
Your dad didn’t see them though, he was too busy organising someone to fix up your grave, I wish he saw them, but I’m thankful he believes me and doesn’t think it’s my mind playing tricks on me.
Logan I miss you so much, your acrobatics, your forceful prodding when you didn’t like the position I was in, I wish so much to cuddle you and hold you, it breaks mummy’s heart knowing that there will always be a part missing in our family, our family circle will always be missing a link.
One day we will have siblings for you, but they will fit into our hearts in a different way forever leaving a logan shaped hole, never to be filled.
I know there is nothing to be done to remedy this, so all I can do is pray for my heart to accept (not forget) and pray that God’s grace stays with us in this journey.
I love you little man, till we meet again

The sad truth about love is that there is so much to go around, but not everyone gets their share.
This photo was taken when I felt most loved, just me and my boys, enveloped in love.
I’m glad Logan got his share of love in this world, he was adored from the moment we knew of his existence. Friends and family shared in our joy and bestowed so much love on him, so many hopes and dreams.
I’m not the only one who loved him so this pain is not mine alone, I’m closest to the “flame of grief” so my pain is most intense it radiates from inside and threatens to take my sanity. Rob is often so preoccupied with protecting me that he ignores the flames enveloping his own heart, but pain this personal is unrelenting and he has been burnt.
The closer people are to us and the bigger their anticipation of Logan’s life the closer they stand to the flame and the more intense the heat. Some have only heard the story, but the smoke has left its mark.
Unlike Rob and I they are not bound to the fire so they can move away while all we can do is cling to each other while we wait for the blaze to diminish.
Logan was/is such a loved child, his life inside me and his oh so brief life on earth was prayed over/celebrated/appreciated in every way. We live in a society where love for a child is not a given, its does not go without saying. Children and adults often have to go without knowing love and that saddens me.
I hope to always show love to those I care for, no one should go without being loved and no one should go without making an impact – Although I miss my son with an often selfish heart, I’m a proud mom because my son was loved and his short life mattered 🙂

Have a good day all.
PS. I have decided to make a concerted effort to loose the pregnancy weight, I’ve gone from my usual “curvy”, way past “pleasantly plump” and am dangerously close to “WOW she let herself go” WISH ME LUCK

I have a teddy named Faith…A giant brown bear that means so much.
Rob and I went to Art in the Park today and one stall had all these stuffed animals. Rob was instantly attracted to this giant brown bear, turns out he had a similar one as a little boy.
I got sad thinking we would never get to give our little boy a teddy like that, the best we can do is an attractive grave site (not a pleasant thought)
Suddenly Rob decides to buy the bear. I told him I really didn’t have use for a giant bear but he insisted and after he purchased it, told me that the bear was not for me, its for our future child.
That is how strong his faith is, he whole heartedly believes that we will be blessed again. (After months of physical healing for me and emotional healing for both of us naturally)
I stood in awe of his faith. After what I’ve physically been through, even the doctor telling me, “there is no reason you can’t have a healthy pregnancy” doesn’t have me convinced, especially since she can’t give me medical reason for what happened.
So it’s so amazing to have Rob’s faith to lean on. While I grapple with doubt, he is so confident, he bought our unborn (unconceived even) child a gift today.
WOW
Well that’s why I named the teddy Faith 🙂
It takes a leap of faith to even think of a future family so I’m really glad I have Rob to take the leap with me

I had coffee with an angel yesterday, no this is nothing like the time I had lunch with a fairy God mother and she showed up with wings and a wand.
In fact I don’t even think “my angel” in her pale blue jeans and thong sandals had any idea of her angelic properties.
I reckon if I called her an angel to her face she would roll her eyes or pull a face, but the truth must be told 🙂
I met her by chance, an acquaintance thought that this woman with three angel babies in heaven could be an understanding shoulder to lean on, but I was not entirely sure she could. How could someone carrying so much pain have room on her shoulder for me to cry on?…
But I reached out – it couldn’t hurt – and turns out I’m glad I did.
For weeks now she has been an important part of my support system, someone I could gauge the “normality” of my reactions on and she gladly offers support despite having a gorgeous, big eyed, giant spirited, one-year-old to run after (her adopted rainbow)
(I have four other mums,who understand the loss of a newborn, I lean on them often, but with two of them having new babies in the house, I’m careful not to unburden on them too much and pull them back to the pain and the other two’s pain is still fresh so I try not to be a nuisance)- The great irony of my life is, meeting these amazing woman and having pain in common.
Anyway I had coffee with an angel yesterday, an angel whose sparkling blue eyes carry both pain and hope. She asked me questions no one else would dare ask, “have I chosen a grave stone?”, “Does visiting his grave bring healing or pain”
We laughed at things others would find inappropriate and fought back tears over each others stories.
She understood my feeling like an outcast and a oddity in the same way she understood my appreciation for my support network and gave validity to some of my darkest thoughts.
And best of all and most heart warming of all, she told me my son was beautiful (I happen to already know that,he he) Even my closest friends prefer to not look at his picture, and here she is, she sees him as my child, with his dads tall frame and mums dark hair, not a sad event in my life, an important part of my life.
And as the angel left she gave me the gift of her friendship and a beautiful painting, she explained it meant “hope for the future”…With her hopes being fulfilled in her little boy she is passing on the baton of hope, and that right there is something only an angel could do.
-I’m very thankful for her and one day I want to be an angel to some one else