Today is the second in my No Fear just Faith series, last week  I shared Claricia’s Story of dealing with cancer and all the associated emotions…Today’s story is a little different but fundamentally the same, a dear friend, Mechelle shares the story of being the mother of a toddler, pregnant and widowed before 30 and how she used the challenges to become an even better mom…

Faith over fear… I don’t bash bibles or shove my beliefs in people’s faces, but I do believe strongly in God. I had a rough childhood and the only things that pulled me through to semi ok adult was my connection with God. I am not trying to sound “ritious” but this is my story… I had everything I ever wanted. A healthy baby girl, a big hearted husband to be and we were living in our dream home and 4 months pregnant! Unconditional love! We had our fights, but he knew how to “wield” me and I knew how to emotionally support him. We had each others backs. I was happy, some days I wondered if I am allowed to be this happy. 6th February 2012; Jacques returned home from relocating his brother to a new town. He was gone from us for a week and, it was a week from hell. He came home late, I can not recall the time because I was out of my skin happy that he returned home safely. Our home was full again! I could sleep peacefully knowing he is safe here next to me. 8th February 2012; another usual day of getting the little one ready for school and getting ready for work. Jacques didn’t want to stay home and rest… He always pushed himself beyond the norm. I asked him to stay home and rest, but deep down I know he already made his mind up. I still remember chatting to someone when Jacques called me, very upset because I didn’t answer my phone. I walked behind him, gently so that he doesn’t get worked up and also because he walked too fast for me. I admired his legs… He has sexy legs. I remember looking at him in the court yard, something was different but I shrugged it off and basked in the bliss of our happiness. later the day he phoned and asked me to lunch. It was so cute, he ordered me a beef and mustard samie with a chocolate milkshake. (I used to crave that with my first born.) He had his usual avocado and bacon “tramisini” and coffee. I was on cloud nine! I couldn’t stop smiling, and yet still wondered if I am allowed to be this happy. Afternoon came and Jacques phones me again, in distress. He cut his finger open with glass and I rushed to the mediclinic to meet him.

The doctor cleaned the wound and stitched him up. The doctor and I were chatting and trying to keep the tension out of the room, but as I looked at Jacques I could see fear. I didn’t know why, but I could see the fear in his eyes. We went home and obviously he felt a bit touchy so I gave him space. I was I the bedroom putting new bedding on when I heard a strange sound. The second time I heard it I knew there was something wrong, I ran to Jacques and found him half lying on his chair. He looked at he as I came to his aid, the fear more prominent. I do not know how, but I picked him up and he let his last breath out. I layed him gently on his side and screamed for my mom. We tried everything. His mom told me to press the panic button and the ambulance arrived. Everyone was terrified. We prayed. People were around me to try and keep me calm. The emergency crew tried to resuscitate Jacques. They tried their best and I could see the determination on their faces. I refused to think that Jacques won’t make it. I walked to out room and prayed alone. I begged God to help Jacques. As I got up and walked to the door, I felt Jacques. I felt his embrace. I knew it was him and he held me. He said goodbye. I don’t remember how I got to the lounge, but I was screaming and crying before they called his time of death. I was shouting at him to get back into his body. I was screaming at Jacques to come back. They took me outside and I screamed. We were all ripped apart. He is gone and no one saw it coming. Everything went dark. A part of me died.

I don’t recall much after that day, but that day is burnt into my memory. Our oldest searched for her daddy and I was completely out of it. Those little questioning eyes still remain. For some reason I wasn’t angry with God. The words, everything happens for a reason, rang in my mind. God took Jacques for a reason. I still don’t know what for, but that brought me through. I remember Jénine and Ryan being there and she brought a bit of peace. The sunflowers and maroon daisies at the funeral reminded me of Jacques. I remember Cecile sending flowers and that brought a bit of hope. I remember Eleanor sending flowers, a candle and a teddy and that Brough light and made me realise that I have a child who does not know what is happening. There were other flowers and notes, but I can’t remember them as well as I remember these.

When everyone left fear and bitterness consumed me. We are alone! But Jacques faith pushed me to pray. I was terrified and alone on the operation table when I had our second one, but somehow Jacques was there and there was a bigger presence too. I took things day by day, not remembering much, but I knew I had to carry on for our children’s sake. 

Friends and family:  right on top with red pin, holding up baby is Jacques

7th March 2012; Eleanor lost Logan. This ripped my heart even more so. I couldn’t compare the pain, but I know a dear friend is in undesirable pain and my heart bled for her. I knew I had to push my pain aside and support her. We all were hit hard by this. We all cried bitter tears for her and Rob. We all prayed for them. The words “we do not get over something like this, but we learn to walk with it” somehow we both understood this and we chatted a lot after that. Chatting to Eleanor about our pain somehow helped me. It gave m strength to take another step forward. I prayed for the two of us and kept praying. I don’t think I was much support for El, but she brought me through a bit more. Jénine’s love brought me forward a bit more and I could breath…still not remembering much and constantly crying for Jacques. 8th April 2012; my dadda passed away. I looked at my mother emotionless and thought why are we being hit like this? Am I such a disappointment that even God wants to punish me. I was angry! I was bitter! Jacques was taken away from me! How could God be like this towards me. What did I do to deserve this? I moved back to our little town and still feeling dead inside. But Jénine, Eleanor and Cecile brought bits of life back to me. Their laughter, smiles, warmth and goodness brought life back and strength. Seeing the pain in Eleanor’s eyes brought compassion back to me. Seeing Cecile’s down to earth goodness brought hope back and Jénine’s love made the pain somewhat easier to carry. A year passed of me sitting in a lump not knowing how to overcome this passed and I made a choice to be the mother I need to be for my children. I am still a skeleton of the mother I used to be, but each day Brought me through. 

Each day I felt needed by my children and friends. Each day became better. I could not have gotten where I am today alone. God was always there for me, he felt my pain, my friends were there for me and I became stronger trying to be there for them. I know I am not much and I am not always there in their faces, but every word exchanged made me take another step forward. My children’s smiles, first time walking, tears and snotty noses pushed me forward. I thanked God for allowing me to spend time with Jacques. Out of a world of people, Jacques and we’re together again and God made that possible! I am blessed with so much and I learnt to appreciate each breath I take. 3 years later and I met up with a wonderful man who I befriended in 2005. We got married and the children adore him. I am happy again, but this time I am appreciating the little things. I couldn’t have come so far alone. There are still ups and downs in my life and every now and again I forget my blessing and worth… then hurt dear friends with my stupid self esteem issues, but I am willing to fight. I deserve to be happy. The one thing that amazes me was that life around you carries on after death. I used to hate that and wanted it all to stop, but now I am looking closely and I can see the life in everything moving beautifully and Jacques is there watching over us. Aidan was born, Jénine got married, Eleanor is doing very well, Rob is happy, Ryan is happy, Johnathan is over the moon and my children are ok. They made it! They are growing each and every day. I put my trust in God and he will lead the way. Jacques death forced me to take a step back to appreciate life and every moment we are blessed with our loved ones. Everyday is scary, but we will make it

Mechelle and her new hubby, Johnathan