To Logan on his 3rd birthday in heaven

March 6, 20153 Comments

Happy birthday my Logie Bear on this birthday we don’t get to share…

You would be three now. I wonder if you would have had a better appetite than your brother, he seems to get hungry every fortnight. Would you also be a busy body vegetarian who can talk the hind legs off a donkey. Or would you be the quite deep little one begging for a burger.

What cake would I have made for you? What gift would you have wanted?

You got two cousins this week Caleb and Cruze. Caleb is a tiny little thing kind of how you were, just healthier 🙁 and Cruze is a little ox like your brother was at birth, also just healthier… (Sheesh you two put me through my paces, I didn’t even realise babies could come straight home, but they did and we feel very blessed)

We miss you little man, even if you don’t hear us crying every night begging for morning like when you first died…even though I don’t write you these letters all that often anymore…We miss you!
I still get that old familiar kick I’m the gut when I think about you, I still can’t breath for a second when people ask me how many children I have or ask what happened to you. I still get nightmares and flashbacks and every time your dad has to deal with a deceased child at work I know reality hits him straight in the face.

I try to be brave and I talk to other angel moms and tell them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (albeit not the light we signed up for) it makes me feel good to keep your memory going like this…

Oh Logan how crazy things are, life has gone on…my hair is longer and I’m still trying to lose weight, I still talk too much and rest too little, my mind is always racing and with your little brother so am I…

Look over him Logie Bear, he is such a curious little thing and I worry about him all the time. He doesn’t understand danger or mortality and flirts with it daily with his climbing and running and lack of eating… I’m paranoid since you left and his safety is paramount…Please watch him

I hope the angels spoil you and you get that cake I never got to bake…love you forever and a day my angel child

LOVE MOMMY…

3 years that never happened

March 4, 2015Leave a comment

This picture was taken when I was pregnant with Logan, I was a whole other person then… tomorrow he should be 3 years old but instead it’s the day before he died.
I can’t believe I survived that. I found myself thinking as I held my newborn nephew yesterday what if this was his one and only day(grieving moms can be a little morbid) how could anyone survive that! All that love shoved into a little person than ripped away.
I did it though?!? Goodness knows how I survived but in a way I did. Although I still get nightmares and bad days I’m better for loving Logan. I find myself way more empathetic and sympathetic.
People’s insensitive comments make me more careful of what I say. Knowing hurt makes me want to heal and I appreciate the good in life because I know too well that things can change in the blink of an eye.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mom little man even though it was for such a short period of time.

The nephew arriveths

March 3, 20151 Comment

I’m proud to announce little Caleb is here! My first non cousin and non married into nephew.
I was a nervous wreck until my dad sent me a message with the words “we can hear him cry” Sheesh you could almost hear me cry…
I never got to hear my sons’ first cries so to me it meant everything was ok and I could finally breath….
So blessed to have this new addition to the family

To the parents enjoy him…they grow wayyy too fast

MARCHing into an emotional month

March 2, 20155 Comments

It’s the first week of March and my nerves are shot!

This week marks three years since we had to sign a birth and a death certificate, with the same pen, on one day 🙁

Three years since I became a mom and then a question mark…

It’s the first Monday of March today, the first Monday of March is when I was admitted to hospital three years ago, entering with promise, exiting with anguish.

And guess what, in a strange turn of events my sister will today be admitted into hospital to give birth. I feel like I’m outside myself looking in.

All I can do is pray , pray for God to be with my sister and her son and pray that he calms the raging anxiety in my heart.

Rob’s brother and his wife are also supposed to have a baby this week… Another boy, another reason for my heart to hold on by a tattered string.

I feel confident that the boys will be okay but at the same time, it feels like my heart and mind are not on the same team, like I have the devil and an angel on my shoulder feeding me information I just can’t seem to dissect.

I need it to be next week, even thought that means I will be 30 I need to just get through this week….

ONE STEP AT A TIME , people, ONE STEP AT A TIME

Cauliflower “rice”

February 27, 2015August 7, 20161 Comment

So I’m still on my get healthy avoid carbs and sugar due to insulin resistance trip….
I’ve heard about this cauli-rice thing and was intrigued as I love cauliflower and am avoiding rice…
There are tons of recipes on the net but this is my take on it, using frozen cauliflower because I’m just bad like that, hehe

My cauliflower rice paired soooo well with Rob’s pilchard stew, yum yum

I used frozen cauliflower, veggie purists , I beg your pardon, hehe

Poured boiling water over it to defrost

Stuck it in blender, and blended

This is consistency you are looking for

Stick in pan with dash of oil and spice of your choice – I used garlic butter and mixed herbs
then pan fry and enjoy 🙂

I really like it hey, okay so it doesn’t taste like rice but it’s great texture-wise and makes a nice substitute

An award for little old me :)

February 26, 2015Leave a comment

So I got my second Liebster Award!!! I have noticed that all my favourite blogs are Liebstered out , so I’m not nominating, instead just going around liking their pages (those I haven’t already) I decided to answer Leigh from TheMommyDiaries questions though because I am just that honoured to be nominated by her – her blog is seriously awesome, and she just seems to have her ish together (blog crush Thursday,hehe) also I love these filly outy thingies

1. What has life/motherhood taught you so far?

That I know NOTHING! Had so many preconceived notions but eish nothing seems to have been like in my mind…SEE HERE

2. Describe to us your idea of a perfect day.

Although I like my job, and ideal day doesn’t include work, it’s walking up early to catch some silly TV while boys sleep and I don’t have to watch Mickey Mouse Club house or the History channel. Then they wake up we have breakfast at a quaint little place, we nap (hahahaha I wish) I do craft/bake/cook with Aidan, and then watch a movie with Rob while Aidan sleeps….

3. What is the best book you have ever read?

I can’’ answer this honestly as the book changes depending on my mood, I love funny authors though like Marian Keyes , so Rob just gets me books by her and he knows he nailed the gift giving thing

4. Who challenges you the most and why?

My husband, he seems to have this pretty high opinion of me, thinks I can do anything and that in itself is a challenge… I want to be the person he sees me to be.

5. Name two things on your bucket list.

– Driving – this one is embarrassing but I don’t like to drive 🙁 I’m scared of ever hurting someone so it makes me tense, I want to drive without fear

– Go on international trip with my little family

6. What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

I crashed an Elle Magazine party it was accidental at first but then I ended up having a blast

7. If you could have any super power what would it be?

Teleportation , then I wouldn’t have to drive

8. How many pairs of shoes do you own? And how many do you actually wear?

I actually don’t know, about 30 (after a mass clear out), I wear them all but about 5 are in regular rotation

9. If you had the power change ONE thing about South Africa what would it be?

Racism, I wish people could be seen as people and that race was no longer an issue-and I mean from all sides embrace differences I say

10.What are you most proud of?

My son he is literally my pride and joy (I finally get that saying now)

11.What one material thing you simply cannot live without?

Does Data count? I’m addicted to the interwebs people!

Just Ella Bella