Yes yes! I'm a big fat liar who-unlike promised- hasn't blogged in ages, but sheez being new mom is even more time consuming than I thought.

How can such a lil person be so much work,lol… He has been sick for the past week and hasn't done anything but scream leaving me sleep deprived, starving (I forget to eat,which is bad as breast feeding seems to sap all my energy) and always busy (so much things need to be done all the time sheez)

But anyways things are changing YET AGAIN, Rob is back at work, leaving me in the role of "stay at home mom" starting tomorrow…that being said here I go again

trying the whole blogging thing while I take on my new life….

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When it comes to blogging I have so much to say and upload… Thanks to super cool guest bloggers I have Easter crafts and Meatless Monday recipes and I also have a nauseating amount of photos of the cutest baby ever…mine 😉
But my first week home has me a little shell shocked and I haven't even glanced at my laptop in ages. Its not that I expected motherhood to be easy, I guess I just didn't realise the physical and emotional toll it would take-especially linked to me still grieving my aunt and dealing with fears of losing Aidan after losing Logan-I know the situations are different, but you try to tell your heart that after watching two sons enter NICU and only one leaving (you can't help but be that little extra cautious)
Aidan sleeps with a sound and movement monitor as well as a breathing monitor, he hasn't been moved from our room yet so technically he has four monitors if you count his over eager parents who listen out for every peep (difficult in this case as Aidan is naturally a moany/vocal/always making some kind of sound baby-seriously even confirmed with pediatrician that it was normal) The point is, between Aidan's feeding schedules, my own healing and fights with the whole breast feeding/expressing/lactation system I've been too exhausted to blog…
During an average day of being peed, pooed and thrown-up on, between finding baby stuff like socks and beanies all over the place, introducing Aidy to friends and family, getting sudden bouts of baby blues at 2 in the morning when Aidan usually wakes to feed and refuses to go back to bed (in fact he becomes very chatty and then every time he can feel himself doze off he screams blue murder) the day just gets away from me.
The point is, I often want to blog but I just haven't been able to,this stops now…
While I get back to the blogosphere I won't be blogging everyday like in the past and I will be using guest bloggers as well, but this blog is my other baby and I have no intention of letting it fade away, so chat again soon…real soon
PS. In case it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not, this little bundle of joy has stolen my heart and I don't want it back, what I do want back though is my time management skills,hehe

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Aidan is a living breathing embodiment of my prayers…

I've prayed for him since before conception and now I thank God every time he opens his eyes.

With every breath and movement my heart swells up with gratitude and I am glad…

Every time he closes his eyes another prayer crosses my heart,mind and lips.

I plead with God to bring him safely through sleep.

I plead to never wake from this dream which seems to good to be true.

I pray for his future, I pray for his past, I thank God for helping me hold on to faith when fear was so strong and I ask God to help me hold on to my faith when fear rears its ugly head.

I thank God for holding me through the week when I lived in the hospital (boarding so I could feed him on demand while his lungs got stonger)

& thank God for giving me the strength (even now) to deal with the pain of my c-section scar (it's a vertical cut like last time except my previous scar had to be cut out and stitches ended up bleeding again)

I thank God for helping me persevere when I had less milk than a lactose free cake and for helping me cope when suddenly I turned into a bit of a fountain. I thank God for a supportive husband who takes amazing care of Aidan and I and for family and friends who are so happy for Aidan's arrival that it sometimes feel like they are more excited than we are.

My heart is filled with so much gratitude it scares me, I can't believe he has been granted to me, that I get to be the mother of this sweet angel, this ridiculously beautiful child. Sometimes I look at him and can't believe I don't have to give him back…. Like a good friend says, a child is your heart placed outside your body and this is definitely the case…

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So our son was born and he is a beauty (yes this is spoken like a true mom) the chubbiest cheeks and rosebud mouth you just want to eat him up 🙂
He was born via c-section on Friday, April 5, 2013…weighing 3.4kgs YES he is a big'en…
Because my life was clearly written by out of work script writers, I arrived on Friday morning to the realisation that what I thought were braxton hicks accompanied by NERVES the previous night were actual contractions I WAS IN LABOUR!
Then we come to find that the ordeal I went through with Logan had left a thinning scar/spot/section (I'm no medical professional and I was out of it when this was explained to me) in my uterus which threatened to rupture if I were to give birth naturally…which would have been the case if I moved c-section to today in order to attend my aunts funeral…
I like to think she played a hand in keeping me/us safe because shortly before her death she told me that she would always be looking after me and Aidan…and if it wasn't for fact that I knew she wouldn't want me to move things around or "take any chances" I would have "tried to hold out" and end up in a heap of trouble…
Things aren't all rosey though, Aidan is in NICU he has something referred to as wet lung (google it, it's a real thing-i was surprised to find) he is attached to pipes and what not and my heart breaks to see him like this 🙁
We don't get to hold him much, so every cuddle and every hug is THAT much more important (see pics of us finally getting to hold him…)
I'm getting discharged from hospital but will be boarding from today until hospital runs out of room or Aidan is well enough to leave…the latter being first prize…I will be hanging so I can feed him on demand, very fast food franchise like, problem is, no-one told my breasteses that I have to fEed someone because like a lactose free sundae THERE IS NO MILK (see picture of me in cow pajamas, which I packed because it is comfy but turns out to just be painfully ironic, or is it coincidental-Alanis Morissette messed up ironic in my head)
Anyway, we are keeping the faith even though having yet another baby in NICU has Rob and I both feeling like we want to kidnap him and go home and just cuddle we know it's best to have him where doctors can help heal him…
My patience is fading fast though, had a 3 second meltdown last night as I could hear him moaning (my room is next to NICU) but it was like 1 in the morning and I didn't want to interfere with nurses…
Really hope he gets to go home soon, actually more than hope! I PRAY and BELIEVE he will accompany me home soon 🙂
Oh and If you are wondering what deal is with last photo…I love it because he was under blanket with head sticking out and when Rob leaned in to take picture, Aidan's arms shot up and he covered himself…hehehe
Have a good week and keep us in your prayers…

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So two sleeps from now (naps not included) I'm going into hospital to deliver my rainbow baby! OMW did I really make it this far!!!
I'll be knocked out completely (please hold your judgment on how I'm missing out, after last time my dr is concerned that the operating room and all that goes with it may bring back memories of my last traumatic experience and have me go into shock! Also after the scaring from last time they need to fix "insert medical term here" so it won't be a straight forward, delivery)
I know it'll be difficult not actually seeing him be born and it is not ideal when it comes to latching for breast feeding, but after you lose a baby believe me you become rather at peace with the "how" so as long as he is healthy I couldn't really care less…
Pretty sure I'm gonna wake up freaked out about whether or not he was okay though, so Rob is going to have to be on hand with info and pics asap!
I'm typing this at two in the morning as sleep has become a bit of a foreign concept to me, and sometime in the last hour I had a OMW moment relating to Aidan's arrival (which sadly coincides with my godmother's burial, I can't really wrap my mind around missing out on this goodbye and instead saying hello to my baby-she was very excited about him so I'm sure she understands and I will be attending her memorial service this evening – where I will try to keep my composure while conveying a speech about her-so in my own way I do get to say goodbye)
Back to my realisation; I realised that all these baby related things around the house were no longer going to be "museum pieces", Rob and I will no longer be "just the two of us" and in actual fact I'm about to acquire a screaming pooping "mini boss"!
My life is about to change so much that my emotions are struggling to keep up!
How amazing is it that God is giving us this "second chance" how amazing that choosing Faith over Fear has yielded such amazing results and how amazing that we get to meet our son!!!
Rob is already the picture of a proud dad, speaking to my bump whenever he can- with no regard to who think's he is crazy (mainly me)
I won't lie I'm scared! Ohhhh I'm so freakidy freaked out! irrational fears like under/over feeding him or dropping him in the bath plague my mind, I wonder how I, me, miss I prefer to be alone all the time, is gonna cope with this little being who will be relying on me for every little thing!
I've never even had a pet, my plants die and my childhood attempts at raising virtual pets have all ended in me pressing the restart button. So ja I'm pretty overwhelmed right about now…
Times like these I'm so glad for Rob!
He has been reading and learning along side me and I know that we have each others backs, he has even stored up his off days at work and will be home with us for the whole of April, this way he can really support me and we can make sure neither of us throws out the baby with the bath water (never quite "got" that saying)
I'll be sure to show off our baby soonest 🙂 but only non-bloody and non-slimy pics, I'm not a fan of the "very natural" ones…

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This morning I lay listening to the rain, afraid to move…afraid to re-animate myself and truly wake up to the reality of life.
If I just lay here quietly listening to the rain and to Rob breath beside me, if I don't move I'm technically not awake and don't have to deal with the truth of life, I don't need to remind myself that my aunt, my godmother, my "other mom" is no longer with us.
She died in such a cruel way, her body deteriorating as cancer made its way through her like a group of teenage boys attacking a buffet table. At the end she could hardly see, eat or move.
One of the proudest women I'd ever known – the one who on her sick bed still tells me, "You really should get your hair done", and looked at my maternity wear and inquired if I didn't have "anything cuter to wear" – she faded in front of our eyes.
The woman who often acted as my conscience – you can ask any of my cousins, the words, "Aunty Eu wants to speak to you" sent shudders down your spine and made you do a quick stock-take on what you could have done wrong – that woman is gone.
The woman who used to hand me first class guilt trip tickets if I didn't contact her in a while and would play act that she couldn't recognise me saying something like, "you know you remind me of this girl who is so close to my heart and who I helped raise, but it can't be her as she never phones or visits anymore", that woman is gone.
The one I used to devour magazines and cookbooks with, she is no longer here. The one I used to plan – but hardly ever complete – craft projects with, she's no longer here.
The woman who ended up being the first person in the family to meet Robin (due to him visiting when my family was out of town, me accidentally setting off our alarm system and her being on the alarm company's to-call list) and then both scaring the crap out of him and making him feel like part of the family, she's gone.
The woman who never had children of her own and truly understood our heartache over Logan and the possibility of never having children, she is gone.
There will be no more sitting at her dining room table or on her bed chatting about the intricacies of faith, religion and family. No more shared low cal recipes we never end up making. No more nothing.
All I have is memories like those of me staying over at her house every second week during most of my teen life because she didn't like sleeping alone when her husband was working nights and then she could always help me with school work while I studied without having to fight my siblings for dominance of the dining room table (my favorite study spot).
I remember silently watching movies while she slept (they had pay-tv way before my parents did), I remember spending hours in their shed reading magazines older than I was, I remember her teaching me to sew (jury is still out on whether she was successful or not – my gran and mom tried to teach me too), I remember, as a little girl, her reprimanding me for interrupting conversations and reminding me to always respect my elders even if they were crazy (her words not mine).
I remember her at every pivotal part of my life, fighting back the urge to take control (I inherited that control thing in equal parts from her and my dad) because as she recently told me, she didn't want my mother to feel undermined (she didn't want to be my dads know it all older sister-well not more so than usual,hehe).
I will always remember her brutal honesty, her dress sense, her attempting to tame my bush of unruly hair and most of all more than anything I will remember our last conversation… a week after she called the family in to "say her goodbyes" and with tears in her eyes hugged me and vowed to help me raise Aidan even if she was no longer here (she so badly wanted to meet him and I so badly wanted him to know her…)
Our last conversation went something like this; With her eyesight already failing she tried to locate me in the room, I went over to her and she rubbed my hand and asked in a hushed completely uncharacteristically soft way why no-one told her I was there, I smiled and told her that I prefer to "make an entrance" she rubbed my hands with hands I could no longer recognise as her own and said, "I love you girlfriend" my heart skipped a beat and I asked her if she knew how much I loved her and she shook her head yes and smiled at me in that mischievous "excuse you, I know everything" way of hers…
I'm going to miss you sooooo much Aunty Eunice, but I will remember the biggest lessons you taught me:
– I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (a verse she made me recite every time I felt weak)
– Don't go out looking for heartache and other people's opinions of you is none of your business (Something she drummed into me after my first big break-up)
– Ultimately God is in control, at the times you crave control the most LET GO and LET GOD.

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