A few days after my son died I needed to leave the house…and it was a real eye-opener
Guess what, chocolate desserts still taste good.
Robin and I went out for a bit tonight (I can’t be out for long as classic c-section scar is still very eina and I can’t sit for long and low iron exhausts me, also I’m still extremely emotional-so emotional in fact I randomly told co-owner of our favourite restaurant,Logan died, luckily she’s a social worker so was understanding)
Any ways as I was saying, I had a chocolate mousse cup and it tasted good, it made me think about other things that are “still good” … Turns out sky is still blue, nature is still beautiful and nothing has stopped being, just because we are sad, which in itself is sorta sad.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, teary eyed often unclear thinking, but every now and again clear thoughts come through, like this;
In anticipation of my little prince I often thought of the things we’d do together and I envisioned teaching/showing him many things:
– I thought I’d introduce him to my family, but instead it seems he has introduced me to my family- I’ve never been this close to my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins. Everyone has been so amazing, from handling the funeral and making sure we have food and a clean house to giving me shoulders to cry on and ears to talk off. They have also been willing to show me their own weaknesses and share stories from their own lives, I have never been this close to them and for that I’m thankful.
– I thought I’d introduce Logan to his aunts and uncles (my friends) and instead he showed me who my friends truly were and introduced me to some new ones (women who have gone through a similar experience and have taught me what real strength is) In all my life I have never felt THIS connected to so many people and this supported, For that I’m thankful.
– I always expected I’d teach him about religion, God and faith and instead he taught me what real faith is. Suddenly all the scriptures I’ve ever read, gospel songs I’ve sung and messages shared with me, have real meaning. In trying to find peace I am relying on prayer and my belief in God more than ever.
– I thought I’d teach him to listen by talking to him and singing to him instead he has taught me to listen and I’m amazed at what other people have to teach me.
– I thought I’d show him basic manners, thank you and please and how to appreciate what you have but instead, after losing my most precious gift I understand the importance of the people in my life and try to find things to be thankful for because I know too well how life can change in the blink of an eye
Thanks Logantjie, my little teacher
