The thing about date rape is that it feels like an abuse you showed up for, a violation that you got dressed up for. You put on lipstick you made small talk, you consented to not consenting.
The thing about date rape is you told your bestie about your abuser, you sang his praises, you were excited for her to meet him. Now you find yourself conflicted, confused, betrayed.
The thing is, it’s not ever your fault, never! But you wonder things…
Was I not assertive enough? My NO can be a little vague sometimes, that’s why I always end up with unwanted cups of tea at old ladies houses, because I don’t say NO! Assertively enough.
Was there something in my drink? or did I just get carried away with the shots, the looks I’m getting says that it was the latter, that I partied too hard, but I can only recall one drink, two max, what on earth?
The thing about date rape is you wonder what actually constitutes consent, sure you flirted, you liked up his insta pics, you wore that dress that your friends call your “hook up outfit” Was it the skirt, is it to short does the neckline plunge too much.
You said no, you didn’t want it, you know you didn’t want it, but did you? You entered this room/house/car/place out of your own free will. It’s not cut and dry like with the cases you see on TV. No one jumped out from behind a bush, pulled you into a bathroom, over-powered you in the street.
Are date rapists like vampires? Like you need to invite them in and now you share the blame.
Unlike a vampire he didn’t show signs of the undead though. Well now you do, your soul is undead, you are in your head, playing over every move, every inclination. Did I cross my legs in a seductive way, did I allow him to pay and now I owe him? What are the rules, who can I ask? who will believe me?
- This is not a sponsored post, it’s just something that is weighing heavy on my heart. It weighs on me as I see my younger sister and cousins go out for a night on the town. It weighs on me from my own past, it weighs on me from the past of loved ones. Rape is not paint by numbers, abuse is abuse, date rape is a thing.
- If you or anyone you love find yourself in this situation please please please contact the South African Rape Crisis association, you deserve an ear.
It is NEVER your fault
One of the episodes from 13 Reasons Why actually had me thinking about my past and what I had experienced. It actually had me horrified about times I consented, but I was in no place or space to consent and the effects it had on my life. I had to forgive my “friends”, who didn’t stand up for me. Who thought I was capable of making decisions, I wasn’t capable of making.
Thank you for sharing. xx
Thank you Alet, you totally get what I’m trying to say, thank you
I was “date raped” by the same man for about 2 years – every day. Yes I stayed. I was taught you marry the man you ‘gave’ yourself to. And he told me if I left he woukd tell my parents I am ‘second hand’….
Maybe it was because he loved me so much that he just couldn’t keep his hands off me…. I was brain washed… I was dead inside. It took me years to realize – it was never my fault. I took my power back. The feeling of ‘setting yourself free’ is amazing.
Thanks for the post
Damn girl! so sorry you had to live this *hugs*
Wow, this really hit me! I’ve always just accepted that date rape is totally a rape-thing and that the victims should and would get the support they needed. But no. I realise now that they must face so much doubt and criticism from those around them, even when they do get the courage to come forward. So sad. I hope at least one person is helped by your post, although I’m sure it’ll be many more. Thanks for saying this. It needed to be said.
Thanks so much Amelia it is one of those where you press publish with one eye closed but you simply have to
Shoo!! This is a really heavy post – so well written! So true, you always wondered what your role was but the truth is, it’s NOT your fault ever. No matter how short your dress is! x
Getting heavy here on a Tuesday! but hey its the beauty of having a platform like this 🙂
I wanted to say that I “loved” reading this, but it doesn’t feel like the right word…it’s actually sometimes imperative to read something like, to always remind yourself of the truth, it’s never your fault
hehehehe, I totally get that, like when you click like on post and you hope the poster “gets” your like
Powerful words Ella.
thanks Heather
Well said my friend. Truth is, there are thousands of women who have been victim to this heinous crime without even knowing it. Mothers, aunts and sisters raped in their marriages who stayed because divorce was not an option or it was frowned upon… Thank you for being that voice Eleanor.
wow didn’t even think of that 🙁 so sad