Category: me moment

Getting real with myself

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I’m pretty honest these days, extremely honest, in fact you would be hard pressed to find a question I would not answer…
This is a far cry from my youth – no I was not a serial liar – I just wanted to “belong” so badly that my opinions became intertwined in other peoples beliefs. I’ve been to countless movies that I didn’t particularly want to see,I’ve eaten meals I would not have chosen and I’ve done things I couldn’t afford (my credit card bills are evidence of this)
When it comes to love I was so desperate for adoration I found myself in situations which now make me cringe and in hind sight were pretty dangerous.
My whole aura seemed to scream “I’m worthy! Please love me”
Thinking back, some friends did warn me but at the time I thought they were just boring and meddlesome.
I got out of my destructive behavior pretty unharmed-except for cringing at memories- and now I look at myself and think, good job Ella.
I’m glad you finally have the courage to say no to the small things, it means you can say no when it counts. I’m glad you are willing to admit that although you would love caviar you are currently on a burger budget (can’t even super size), I’m glad you can take criticism and realise sometimes people are just trying to help, other times not so much…
Everyday you grow, everyday you learn and I must say you’ve come a long way and I’m quite proud 🙂
Sent from my BlackBerry®

ME MOMENT

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Here’s some info about me, just for the heck of it really, a blogger I follow at http://glossaryzine.blogspot.com/2012/09/25-questions.html  did it and I thought, hey why not…

 

 

25 Questions

1. What is your name?
Eleanor Douglas-Meyers

2. What do people call you?
Elle and Ella mostly,  Then I have Elanoraus (Thats just Cindy) and Elnoenay (Thats Marvin)

3. What do you want people to call you?
I prefer Elle or Ella thanx

4. What are you doing right now?
Filling out a questionare on my blog. . . I do this from the train

5. What would you really like to do now?
Go on a holiday with Rob, I’m thinking a safari trip

6. What are you wearing?
Jeggings, leapard print top, black snood and black uggs (have a coat for outside, it’s rather chilly)

7. What have you done today?
Woken up, dropped Robin off at the train station, napped, then dropped myself off at the train station (the nap should be “exercised” but so far, no luck)

8. What was the best thing about your day?
To early to say

9. What was the most boring part of your day?
Having to work when I’d rather nap, thats boring

10. Describe your perfect day
My perfect day? Sleeping in late then going for breakfast with Rob, then going shopping with my mom and sister or just chilling with my family before games night with my friends and then a “2  broke girls” marathon  (Clearly this is a VERY long day)

11. If you look to the right, what do you see?
A window

12. Speaking of the right, are you left handed or right handed?
Right handed.

13. If you hear the word perfect, what do you associate it with?
the song, its got to beeeeeeeeeeee perfect… I’m one of those people who associate everything with a song

14. Summer, autumn, winter or spring, which do you prefer? Why?
Autumn, I love dressing warm and being able to hang out outside without freezing or burning (I do both of those REALLY quickly)

15. What is the most romantic thing a guy has done for you?
Sat at my bedside for 5 days while I was in hospital, only leaving when nurses threatened him and even then he just went to the hospital coffee shop untill nurses left.

16. What is the most romantic thing you’ve done for a guy?
I suck at romantic stuff, I let him watch stupid gun shows, does that count?

17. What is the perfect gift? If your birthday were tomorrow.
A state of the art camera but I would never expect anyone to buy that for me!

18. Money or love?
Love

19. A nice thing that someone said to you.
You are much stronger than even you know.

20. The funniest thing that happened to you in high school? For example, face plant (fall over all the face).
This really cute guy was walking towards me and asked me to come chat to him I went (very excited) turned out he was talking to someone behind me – I still blush at that one OUCH!

21. Something you wish you could have done in high school? (Eg: be more social, less social)
I wish I didnt let people intimidate me as much, I always thought I wasnt smart enough, pretty enough, anything enough, you waste so much time letting things like that take control of you.

22. Something you want to experience in your life.
Financial security, I dont want to be stinking rich I just want to be able to go where I want when I want

23. Name three things on your to-do list?
Work out a budget, finish my cross stitch project,go shopping (we are out of everything)

24. Describe your favorite scene from a movie / series alt. link to youtube.
The five dollar dance from 2broke girls

25. What are you going to do now?
Start my working day

Choosing a path

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Today I feel . . . . actually I don’t feel much at all, In fact if someone were to ask me, “How are you” the most truthful answer would be, “I don’t know”. Every now and again everyone feels like this I guess, disconnected in some way. Its unnerving, I don’t know what I want out of life, that’s the sad reality, how can I work towards something when I don’t really know what THAT something is.
The other day I found myself feeling a tinge of jealousy at an entrepreneurial friend’s success, I don’t want her job or anything, think the jealousy comes from the fact that she has such a clear sense of self of what she is and what she wants to be. I’m pretty self aware I guess, I know enough to know I don’t know enough – If that makes sense, but today, right here, right now, I don’t really know what direction I’m supposed to be going in, I think its similar to making a wrong turn and your GPS shouting at you “Recalculating, recalculating” I figured I’d be a “working mom” right about now, that’s the road I thought I was embarking on, but things changed, I’m “recalculating, recalculating”  but not sure what destination it is I want to set… Do I want to be in the corporate rat race?, do I want my name out there writing again?, do i really want to make a success of the children’s photography thing?, do I dare think of being a mom again?
Writing this has made me realise something, the fact of the matter is, the destination is not as important as the journey, Its time I focus on what I do have and do know, the important things like, am I happy with; what fuels me? who I am traveling with? and the mode of transportation? If I can figure that out I guess the road will do the rest…
I’m fuelled with faith, I travel with amazing people (friends and family) and I’m traveling on grace, so far so good.

Changeling

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Recently I have had a few friends voice concerns about me “changing” or having “changed” I know this comes from a good place and a hope that my personality wasn’t buried with Logan, but I tend to think change is inevitable and quite often a good thing.
We all change, humans change, that’s what we do and in cases where something THIS traumatic happens, it would be rather odd not to change.
 
I mean just a few months ago, it was a Monday, my husband was finally a qualified detective and we wouldn’t have to do the long distance marriage thing again EXTREME HIGH, that night my family was told that the doctors where doing all they could for Logan and myself, but our chances of survival did not look good EXTREME LOW, the next day I was told my son was alive and well (me too, they didn’t have to tell me that, obviously) and that the nurse’s biggest complaint with him was that he was so bouncy and busy he wouldn’t lay still in incubator, making administering meds to him difficult EXTREME HIGH, the next morning I’m told I get to meet my little man MOST EXTREME HIGH EVER then less than an hour later I’m told he had a brain bleed and passed away MOST GUT WRENCHING NAUSEATING LOW EVER!!!
 
How do you come out of that unchanged? It feels like my soul has been blanched, how can I be expected to be the same naive happy go lucky (albeit extremely emo) person I always was?
Fundamentally I’m the same, I laugh at the same silly jokes, I get upset at most of the same old things and I still love my family, God, my friends and fashion.
But I see things a little differently now, how could I not.
If you know someone who went through something like this or even went through it yourself I’m willing to bet, CHANGE OCCURRED, because you cant put a broken heart back together without a few cracks showing and change really isnt always a bad thing, caterpillars had to change to become butterflies. . .
 
Have a great Tuesday, it’s super, toes are about to fall off cold here.

Looking for inspiration

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I want to write, really write, stories that take you out of your reality into another world.
I have always loved reading, and could never understand people who didn’t, “Do they know? Do they realise what they are missing? You can take a peek into someone elses world! Who wouldn’t want that?”
I have always wanted to be an author and have started books and short stories but I never seem to finish anything, I’m all inspiration, no motivation.
But suddenly I want to write again, not articles or blog posts, really write…
Wish me luck 🙂

….. Birthday To Me

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It’s my birthday tomorrow…I’ll be 27 and I’m supposed to be happy. I’m not though, not that I’m sad, I’m nothing really, tired maybe?
I looked at what I blogged last year around this time, my problems were basic, I was broke, bored and really chubby, but I was happy really happy it seems.
Months later I got pregnant and became even happier and happier and also really big and moody, but my future looked so much brighter suddenly.
In six months I had changed what I wanted out of life and I became Logan’s mom as soon as a second line appeared on the stick…
Now on the eve of my birthday entering a new year without Logan/Logie/Log on/the Logan nest monster (what Rob and I referred to him as) I wonder will I ever be happy again?
I was happy before I got pregnant why does life after pregnancy seem so sad now?
I feel better in many ways, but noticed my eyes are still sad, I laugh, I smile, I chat, but when I look in the mirror this sad girl looks back at me, so much sorrow, I don’t really recognise her.
I keep hoping it’s just the fact that I’m still healing physically (giant staples down my stomach) and I’m basically drugged out of my mind half the day…
Seeing Robin so sad hurts too, love is a funny thing, I just want him to be ok, think I’ve convinced myself that as soon as he can smile again I will get my own smile back (scary thing is I think he is subconsciously waiting for my smile first)…
truth is our lives have changed, this little man with the cutest little nose and rosebud lips took a giant chunk of both our hearts when he left and now we are left needing to rebuild…
We want another baby, we both really do, not to replace Logan (he is always going to be our first born and have a place in our lives), but because we truly want to be parents.
But before that I need to heel physically (this is going to take a few months) and we need to heel emotionally (we starting therapy this week)
Logan’s crib and so on is being donated to charity and the room which was going to be a nursery is going to be a study for now, both of us are going to study further and I am going to work on this blog (my happy place) and get involved in a support group (my healing place)…
…But if I’m honest, it’s mostly to pass the time while we subconsciously wait for a little miracle of our own, a toothless little face to share all this love we still have to give…and who knows next year when I look back at this birthday post, I might be doing it from behind a baby bump with a smile on my face (a smile I intend to get back regardless of if or how our family grows)…
HEY LOOK AT THAT…typing all of this has already made me feel a little better 🙂
Happy birthday to me . . .