Category: Rainbow

Tears for week 26

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So today marks the end of week 26 for Aidan which in Logan’s life marked his birth and shortly after, his death…I was 26 when all that happened. 26 divided by  two is 13 that’s the date of my birthday shortly after Logan died, just a few days after his funeral, I had my life celebrated while his death haunted.
Today is my sister’s birthday, it’s a Friday-start of the weekend, and two wonderful women I know gave birth this week, but today while many of the people I know smile, I fight back tears and shout at my inner being to be strong! Be strong damit!
I get kicked every few minutes in an effort from Aidan to remind me that he is still here, things are not the same…I’m not in pain, I’m not being rushed to the emergency room watching doctors check my vital signs  while trying to keep me calm meanwhile hiding their own shock and sadness. Nurses are not putting on a “brave face” for my benefit and these playful kicks are not our last.
I’m a logical person, I realize that my day is set to be spent at my desk slogging away at the daily grind, but I feel the message hasn’t gotten through to my heart…an insignificant little tiff with family has set my heart aflutter, something that would have been met with a stern disposition and a sly smile when I’m proved right (which I am) has been met with nothing but heart wrenching sobs, I recon I could cry for days if I started…or should I say restarted right now…sob like I did the night alone in my hospital room while longing for human interaction and overhearing  nursing staff whisper that I needed to be alone… Today I want to be left alone (no chance of that) I want to beat my chest and say it’s not fair, the loss is not fair, the pain is not fair, the fear is not fair, the flash backs are not fair, but then again when was life ever fair. . .
 
I know this post sounds like the cry of a desperate woman who should be on suicide watch, but it’s not, sometimes I’m just filled with so much emotion I need to purge through a keyboard I need to shout out at the world I AM NOT OK, in order to be OK… and as long as Aidan is healthy I’m OK
 
Every story has a happy ending if it’s not happy its not the ending
 
(picture fanpop.com)
 

 

Baby room DIY!

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I’ve finished the baby name project for Aidan’s room, YEAH!!!! It was not as easy as I imagined, not an one afternoon in front of the television type job…but pretty easy to do once you wrap your mind around the curves of the letters, capital letters are easier it seems…

 
1. To do this you will need cardboard, yarn in your choice of colors, scissors, glue stick, double sided tape and templates of the letters you need
2. Use the template to cut out letters needed
3. Now using double sided tape to adhere the yarn to the page (you can use glue, if you like) wrap yarn around the cardboard letter
4. For edges I cut small pieces of yarn and stuck it over before twisting more over – for a more “finished” look
5. Continue for each letter
6. And soon you will have a very cool feature for your room J
 
If my explanation could do with more explanations, let me know and I’ll update . . .
 

 

 

Rainbow update

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I don’t blog about new baby nearly as much as I did Logan, I guess it’s fear, like things are going so well I don’t want to jinx it…but after yesterday’s doctor appointment I feel much more at ease and able to share about our beautiful baby boy (My doctor says she wont be satisfied that it’s a boy until she sees for herself, he has been very secretive around her, but the specialist pointed his wee winky out to us and I don’t need much more proof, hehe)

He now weighs 770g and is very healthy, I’ve been taking my meds religiously and apart from baby laying on a nerve every now and again and either making me topple over in pain or making my leg randomly fall asleep, everything is very well with both of us…Dr recons he is going to be quite big (so says the measurements)  She adds that she didn’t need measurements to conclude that though as looking at his dad leads you to that conclusion anyway. I have a pretty small torso (when last was anything of mine called small, hahaha) so she thinks it’s gonna be a tight squeeze at some point, but she is not concerned and says the fact that he keeps me up most nights practicing for either the Soccer World Cup or River Dance is a great sign 😀

I officially have 8 weeks left at work *yeah me* and we are scheduled (since when do things go according to schedule) to meet our little rainbow on April 9, 2013

I’m sure I have mentioned this before but we are naming him Aidan which means little flame or born or fire…which is very apt because of the fire we have been through on our journey to parenthood and the fact that he comes from a little flame of hope we keep in our hearts….

Thank you so much to all my readers for keeping us in your prayers it means the world and with him being 26 weeks (Logan’s birth age) next week we need your prayers more than ever

Faithfully mine

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I dreamt about Aidan last night, it was so weird, he was so lively and beautiful and although I couldn’t remember actually giving birth to him in the dream I had this overwhelming feeling of “he is mine” I couldn’t deny the love I have for this boy…crazy, beautiful….and I can finally say, exciting, it is roughly 3 months until I get to hold him and I just cant wait.

 

A cleaning lady at work stopped me this morning, looked at my tummy and exclaimed “pregnant again!” I was just about to get defensive when she added that she thought I was extremely  brave and that she had lost her own daughter years ago and had never had the guts to try again, and now it was too late for her…she told me to never lose my faith and I thought that was so profound, here this woman who hardly knows me tells me she is inspired by my faith… and then her faith in me sparks new hope to do just that, to keep the faith…

 

Faith I grip on to so tightly sometimes because I notice there is so little of it left and I just need to not lose my mind, other times I swim in a vast sea of faith, this positive, everything will be alright feeling that floats around me and leaves me feeling like things will be ok…I  like that, today I’m right there – Feeling that things will be ok and I will get to hold my rainbow soon 🙂

 

 

Have a great day and keep the faith…

Do you believe in dreams?

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25facts.com

 
A friend mentioned to me this morning that I’m so blessed to have God speak to me in dreams, I never thought of it like that, I know that I have pretty vivid dreams but recently they seem to have a link to my life (or I like to think they do)
 
Like about two weeks ago I dreamt that I only had 10days left with Rob before he died, so we were making this list of things to do before he had to go, a bucket list of sorts.  The next morning I told him about the dream and he calculated that 10 days referred to day he would be travelling back home from a ceremony in Pretoria.
This freaked him out a bit and we started praying vigilantly, a friend of his actually backed out of trip because of bad feeling. So yesterday, DAY 10, they travel back and low and behold, they are involved in an accident, a piece of lumber fell of a truck ahead of them hitting the taxi they were travelling in, it was a very close call, but no one was hurt! The vehicle was damaged and they added a couple of hours to their trip but that’s it…. I like to think God was telling us to watch out J

Then last night I dream of our baby, this busy little girl with her mother’s talent of turning a clean room into chaos in seconds, she had dark hair and a round face and somehow I just recognized her, this is such a different experience from when I was pregnant with Logan, I dreamt of him as a young man of about 20 and never in the dream could I see his face (pretty sure I blogged about it then) I kept trying to see him but never could, he just walked away surrounded by all these kids that were looking up to him and I remember telling my mom the next morning that he looked like such “a nice person” someone I could be proud of…. How weird and different is that…. I like to think last nights dream means that we will be able to watch our baby grow up. J
 
I know you could say I’m looking into things that don’t exist and that my dreams are all a coincidence but I prefer to think of it as a Godincidence!