Category: Rainbow

Room for rainbow

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I’m only 18 weeks pregnant today so it’s slightly early to be looking at baby rooms BUT I love decor and I have been looking for a way to get into baby mode a little more since I’ve found it difficult to connect with pregnancy – probably because I’m just soooo scared deep down inside – but at the same time I dont want to miss any part of this pregnancy and baby. . . here are some ideas for the baba room

To Logan on his 8-month “heavenaversary”

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Dear LogieBear

I was looking at your 3d scan pics this morning, you looked like such a happy baby. Everyone who had the pleasure of meeting you says you had such a pleasant demeanour – despite the pain you must have been in (I hope you sibling gets that fighting spirit from you) I miss you a lot this week angel and can’t seem to think of you without getting all misty eyed.

If they were able to save you you would be eight months old now and I can’t help but wonder who you would take after, whose eyes do you have? whose smile? would you be a grouch in the morning like your dad? or suffer from a midday slump like your mom? I wonder if you grew up would you and your sibling  have been a terrible two-some getting into mischief together or would you always be fighting and have to be separated (like me and your uncle).

It looks like you’ll have a little sister in a couple of months and its sad that she will never get to know you šŸ™
but thanks to you I know we will appreciate her more, we will be better parents and will envelope her in love and I know this baby will be extra special as she has an angel for a big brother šŸ™‚

I miss you angel, now and forever

Life right now. . .

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You know when you watch a movie and you see the characters do something and you say to yourself – or if you’re the vocal kind (guilty) you will say to your companion- “that’s so stupid! how could she do or say . . .?”
This happens in real life too,  you think you know yourself, you know that if  X happens Y will be your reaction, well that’s what you tell yourself until you find yourself slap bang in the situation and all your good intentions fly out the window.
I find myself in that very situation right now, just the other day I was steadfast in my belief system and now I find myself trembling as I type, do I have the courage to be faithful or the faith to be courageous?
Well do I?
 Well I’ve decided I do (fake it till you feel it) even though I can literally feel my blood pressure rising as I type this, I need to say this out loud so here goes, I’m pregnant! we are having a baby next year!
It comes as the most appreciated and pleasant shock EVER! We naturally have many fears and this is definitely not a naive state of being for us, especially with the pregnancy being monitored closely and me being put on meds, not to mention new life bringing back memories of life lost, but we feel extremely blessed.
We were told that we would need help getting pregnant and not to get our hopes up for anytime soon, so  we didn’t, we admitted to ourselves that we wanted to be parents, but never in our wildest dreams did we think our prayers would be answered like this and so quickly.
Our doctor (we love her to bits)  is extremely positive and happy for us and so are our families and close friends.
I know typing this is going against the advice of many people who are against me sharing the news openly and especially blogging it.
I know all these people have my best interest at heart, but that is not who I am, I cant hide this blessing we have received from God, I take telling people as a way of  “claiming” this life God is offering us, I can’t be preoccupied with peoples negative thoughts over my life, that is not who I am or how we live our lives. Not sharing the news might keep people from putting negative thoughts over your life (which I cancel in the name of the Lord)  but doesnt it also close the door to positive thoughts and prayers?
How can I be so open with my pain but not my happiness?
I have lost a lot this year, two amazing friends (both of whom taught me that life is short and that it is my responsibility to live it to the fullest) and a beautiful baby boy who I will always cherish.
But now I have good news to share and dammit I will share it,lol
I love my little rainbow already and love what she/he stands for:

My little Logan will be a big brother  and I know he shares our joy J

6months later, my vent

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Itā€™s six months today, which means Logan has officially spent as much time in heaven as he did in my womb, I still miss him a lot!

I often look at his pictures and video and am in awe that I am his mother, that beautiful little boy was mine even if it was for a fleeting moment, I still think about him a lot, some days more than others, the other day someone commented that I must be over it now (I know they didnā€™t mean it as harshly as it come across) and thing is, No, ā€œIā€™m not over it by nowā€ My son was alive for a day and a half and I never got to hold him,  thatā€™s not something you just ā€œget overā€ I keep having to remind myself that people mean well, like all the people who tell me not to share the news when I get pregnant again (I had a full blown bump at 14weeks, donā€™t think people like me can hide even if we wanted to) they say it with best of intentions,  but telling me to hide my blessings  doesnā€™t really have a place in the way I live my life, I play it by heart, Iā€™m an emotion driven person and if I want to scream something off the roof tops its my prerogative, Iā€™m only gossiping about myself anyway šŸ˜‰

Many people say to be cautious and not to be too vocal about my happiness (as if my excitement killed my baby-gee thanks)

I Spoke to a new friend the other day, she is also a blogger and lost her son a few hours after birth. She is now pregnant and decided to announce on her blog as soon as she was sure of results. Her reason for this?  she ā€œdidnā€™t want fear to steal one moment of joyā€  (I like that)

We spoke about how I feel about putting the news of a rainbow baby ā€œout thereā€ (Iā€™m not saying start a Facebook group about your pregnancy) just not being afraid to mention it on your blog or on the occasional status, to me it is a way of trusting in God to take the reigns, saying Iā€™m so confident that things will be ok, Iā€™m willing to say ā€œIā€™m excitedā€ out loud .

 I understand people are not trying to be mean they genuinely donā€™t want me to be hurt by peoples comments and reactions and ā€œnegative vibesā€ but ironically telling me to hide is hurtful on its own. When Logan died I was criticized for being so open with it, I never intended to be ā€œthat openā€ at first I told the world because congratulations messages were still flooding in after his death, ā€œI had to say somethingā€ then people kept asking what happened, so I typed it up and put it on my blog, as a way of getting it out of my system (as only writing can) and a way to share my story without me having to relive it with every question, then my blog started helping other people and it started helping me (the best and cheapest therapy) so I have continued blogging (when the emotions hit).

I donā€™t get how sharing my happiness could be wrong, Janineā€™s (fellow blogger) words resonate with me,  she said,: ā€œYou need to be YOU,  follow your heartā€. I guess in a way our honesty about our weaknesses becomes our strength, no1 can even gossip about me, I do it first šŸ˜‰ I love living a honest uncomplicated life, I enjoy sharing my heart and my love of God and even though I am constantly being warned about peoples negative thoughts I cant help but think that keeping things secret would also keep away positive thoughts and prayers.

ā€œIf God is for you, who can be against youā€

The real unadulterated truth

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As I type this I feel my cheeks get warm and I feel nervous with anticipation, how will my readers react? My blog has a fairly big reach, anything more than 50 is big to me,hehehe  . . . and many are friends and family members. How will they feel about what I’m about to say? But you know what? it’s not about anyone, but me and Rob. . .so here goes:
I want to be pregnant again! I want to take home a little bundle of joy and I want to hear someone call me mummy.
 
I feel like I’ve been hiding these emotions for the last few weeks and as a person I’m nothing if not completely honest. . . So yes I want a baby.
Hints in that direction have been met with raised eye brows from many people in my life. I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to smack people with “good intentions” “unintentionally” trying to dictate what I’m supposed to be feeling and how I’m supposed to be acting…
 
Shocked faces and questions like,  “You want to what?”, “Are you emotionally ready?”, “What if something happens again?”, “Are you physically ready”, “Don’t you think it’s too soon to start thinking like this?”, “Have you given yourself enough time to grieve”,”Don’t you think you are rushing this?”, “What if you can’t conceive?” seem to be the order of the day
 
Well let me answer the questions in order: (Keeping in mind I’m well aware that I don’t owe anyone an explaination, but this blog is my place to vent so here goes)
 
1. “You want to what?” I want to be a mother and I want to give my husband a child and my parents grand kids
2. “Are you emotionally ready?” Are you? *rolls eyes* Our therapist is very happy with our progress and so are we
3. “You realise it’s a big step?” I am not a 15-year-old on Ricky Lake wanting her 3rd child on welfare, I’m a 27-year-old “journalist”, married to a 30-year-old detective, with enough common sense between us to realise that this is not buying a goldfish
4. “What if something happens again?” We live in faith and choose to believe that our next pregnancy will be fine, it is going to be an extremely tense 9months, but we choose not to live in fear.
5. “Are you physically ready” I almost died on the operating table and I lost a son, there is no way I’m going to play with my health or that of my unborn child. We wouldn’t do anything without the doctors go ahead and I would be closely monitored throughout. That being said, I’ve taken almost every test they could think of and “I’m healthy, there is no reason for this to occur again”
6. “Don’t you think it’s too soon to start thinking like this?” Five months is not long at all, it feels like just the other day I had to say goodbye to Logan, but before then we desperately wanted to be parents and that hasn’t changed
7. “Have you given yourself enough time to grieve” I will probably be grieving for the rest of my life so this is a none question
8. “Don’t you think you are rushing this?” If this year with it’s multiple losses and various forms of heartache has taught me anything it is that, nothing in life is certain, you have to seize the moment. . . besides chances are it will take a while to conceive and sometimes you just have to take the plunge.
9. “What if you can’t conceive?” Then we will look into adoption, the bottom line is we want to be parents, don’t we deserve that privilege?
 
Well now you know my heart.
It might sound weird that it is taking so much guts for me to type this, but I hate confrontation and hate having my motives questioned, but truth be told I hate going home to a half finished baby room and feeling like something is missing so much more and I also hate having to keep wanting a baby, a secret because I want my “rainbow” to know he/she was wanted and prayed for from the start!