*picture; my mom and Aidy…

U can't control this! Relax! Let go! Let God! You're doing a good job, just trust yourself!

This is what I've been trying to remind myself especially after friends have been giving me "talkings to"

Looks like YET AGAIN I've asked God to take the wheel, but I'm struggling to get my butt out of the drivers seat! at the same time I'm being hard on myself as always.

I have flu and feel like death! My mom took Aidy for a bit yesterday to let me sleep and I woke up with so much guilt!

It just feels like I should be better at this! Why does Aidy cry in my arms, why does it take so much to stay awake and why does this pajama drill have me feeling physically sick?

Wasn't this whole instinct thing supposed to kick in by now? Shouldn't I be more proficient when it comes to "mommying"?

Sometimes I have this nightmare where doctors come to "take Aidan back" because I'm not cutting it!

It feels like all my "mommy friends" just have their shizz together so much more than I do! And I can't tell you the guilt that comes with the relief of my mom taking him for a bit or the exhaustion of sleeping at full alert for a hour or two midday because nighttime and early mornings (according to Aidan) are reserved for crying spells.

I overheard a nurse in hospital tell another nurse that I was clumsy and awkward with Aidan and that seems to be stuck in the back of my head, I don't know why I even listen to such negativity! Especially as the same nurse didn't think I would ever "cut it" with breast feeding and look at me now!

I guess the main thing is that I really wanna get this mommy thing right, not for my own ego, but because I have this ,too big for his boots, little noise maker, who is relying on me to get out of my head, to cut myself some slack, take help when offered and most importantly trust myself . . . Here we go again: No Fear, Just Faith

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For a while now Rob and I have been part of the Meatless Monday movement (Meatless Monday is an international campaign that encourages people to not eat meat on Mondays to improve their health and the health of the planet. – more info on www.meatlessmonday.com)
I read something on it a while ago and liked the concept so now we try to adhere every week – sometimes we fail miserably but we keep on trying,lol

To keep things exciting I'm always on the lookout for new vegi recipes…
I saw fellow Meatless Monday enthusiast and new mom Jill Opplet Theunissen post a meal she made and it looked so yummy I knew I had to get her to do a guest blog
post, so here goes . . .

Sooooo about the 'Meatless- Mondays'…
its very up and down, sometimes we cheat, but its mostly meatless, lol.
We started doing Meatless – Mondays when we were still living in PE because we always had braais on weekends (looots of meat and drinks), so come Monday we were so bloated and sluggish that we welcomed meatless dishes. I also receive the Woolies weekly news letters and they do Meatless-Mondays and always have super recipes for Mondays.
 
The first dish I prepared was the Herby Mushroom Lasagne, plain and exotic mushrooms sauted in butter, onions and herbs, mixed with ricotta cheese and layered between lasange sheets and served with a salad of rosa tomatoes and cucumber drizzled with balsamic creme. This came out really good so we carried on with the Meatless Mondays and are still doing it today.
 
Last night we cheated and added chicken because we basically had an almost meat free weekend.
 
This is one dish I love making because its quick and easy and soo tasty, also now that Jude (baby) is well into solids I can puree it for him for lunch the next day… with a few ingredients omitted.
 
Creamy Mushroom pasta
 
-Half a punnet of white button mushrooms chopped ( you can add some exotic mushrooms to the dish if you have)
-1 tspn dried mixed herbs ( you can use fresh if you have, just chop finely- rosemery, thyme, origanum)
-1/2 finely chopped onion
-1 finely chopped garlic clove or 2 tspns chopped garlic
-1 tbspn butter (you can use margerine or low fat spread… but butter is awesome)
-1/2 cup white wine (any white wine will do, I've use a box wine!)
-1/4 cup vegetable stock
-125ml cream
cooked pasta
 
Melt butter over medium heat, add onions, garlic and herbs and saute till onions are soft
Add wine and reduce slightly (5 mins)
Add stock and cook for a further 5 mins
Add cream and cook until reduced and slightly thick (10mins)
Taste and add salt and pepper if needed depending on how salty your  veg stock is
 
If you like your food slightly spicey like we do, add some chilli flakes with the herbs at the begining
For a non veg option add chicken or bacon.. or both!
 
When cooked mix with the pasta and serve with a fresh salad to cut through the richness of the pasta
 
NB. do not mix with too much pasta otherwise the sauce will be absorbed by the pasta and it will be dry.
 
To use this as baby food follow step one and either add low sodium veg stock or boiled water and reduce once cooked add some cooked pasta and puree in a blender. Add more water to create the right consistency. Use immediately or store in sterilised jars.
 
I have included a pic of the ingredients… but I didn't take a pic before we ate it, so I stole a pic from the internet (http://www.123rf.com/)
 
Anyways, thats me!

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Yes yes! I'm a big fat liar who-unlike promised- hasn't blogged in ages, but sheez being new mom is even more time consuming than I thought.

How can such a lil person be so much work,lol… He has been sick for the past week and hasn't done anything but scream leaving me sleep deprived, starving (I forget to eat,which is bad as breast feeding seems to sap all my energy) and always busy (so much things need to be done all the time sheez)

But anyways things are changing YET AGAIN, Rob is back at work, leaving me in the role of "stay at home mom" starting tomorrow…that being said here I go again

trying the whole blogging thing while I take on my new life….

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When it comes to blogging I have so much to say and upload… Thanks to super cool guest bloggers I have Easter crafts and Meatless Monday recipes and I also have a nauseating amount of photos of the cutest baby ever…mine 😉
But my first week home has me a little shell shocked and I haven't even glanced at my laptop in ages. Its not that I expected motherhood to be easy, I guess I just didn't realise the physical and emotional toll it would take-especially linked to me still grieving my aunt and dealing with fears of losing Aidan after losing Logan-I know the situations are different, but you try to tell your heart that after watching two sons enter NICU and only one leaving (you can't help but be that little extra cautious)
Aidan sleeps with a sound and movement monitor as well as a breathing monitor, he hasn't been moved from our room yet so technically he has four monitors if you count his over eager parents who listen out for every peep (difficult in this case as Aidan is naturally a moany/vocal/always making some kind of sound baby-seriously even confirmed with pediatrician that it was normal) The point is, between Aidan's feeding schedules, my own healing and fights with the whole breast feeding/expressing/lactation system I've been too exhausted to blog…
During an average day of being peed, pooed and thrown-up on, between finding baby stuff like socks and beanies all over the place, introducing Aidy to friends and family, getting sudden bouts of baby blues at 2 in the morning when Aidan usually wakes to feed and refuses to go back to bed (in fact he becomes very chatty and then every time he can feel himself doze off he screams blue murder) the day just gets away from me.
The point is, I often want to blog but I just haven't been able to,this stops now…
While I get back to the blogosphere I won't be blogging everyday like in the past and I will be using guest bloggers as well, but this blog is my other baby and I have no intention of letting it fade away, so chat again soon…real soon
PS. In case it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not, this little bundle of joy has stolen my heart and I don't want it back, what I do want back though is my time management skills,hehe

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Aidan is a living breathing embodiment of my prayers…

I've prayed for him since before conception and now I thank God every time he opens his eyes.

With every breath and movement my heart swells up with gratitude and I am glad…

Every time he closes his eyes another prayer crosses my heart,mind and lips.

I plead with God to bring him safely through sleep.

I plead to never wake from this dream which seems to good to be true.

I pray for his future, I pray for his past, I thank God for helping me hold on to faith when fear was so strong and I ask God to help me hold on to my faith when fear rears its ugly head.

I thank God for holding me through the week when I lived in the hospital (boarding so I could feed him on demand while his lungs got stonger)

& thank God for giving me the strength (even now) to deal with the pain of my c-section scar (it's a vertical cut like last time except my previous scar had to be cut out and stitches ended up bleeding again)

I thank God for helping me persevere when I had less milk than a lactose free cake and for helping me cope when suddenly I turned into a bit of a fountain. I thank God for a supportive husband who takes amazing care of Aidan and I and for family and friends who are so happy for Aidan's arrival that it sometimes feel like they are more excited than we are.

My heart is filled with so much gratitude it scares me, I can't believe he has been granted to me, that I get to be the mother of this sweet angel, this ridiculously beautiful child. Sometimes I look at him and can't believe I don't have to give him back…. Like a good friend says, a child is your heart placed outside your body and this is definitely the case…

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So our son was born and he is a beauty (yes this is spoken like a true mom) the chubbiest cheeks and rosebud mouth you just want to eat him up 🙂
He was born via c-section on Friday, April 5, 2013…weighing 3.4kgs YES he is a big'en…
Because my life was clearly written by out of work script writers, I arrived on Friday morning to the realisation that what I thought were braxton hicks accompanied by NERVES the previous night were actual contractions I WAS IN LABOUR!
Then we come to find that the ordeal I went through with Logan had left a thinning scar/spot/section (I'm no medical professional and I was out of it when this was explained to me) in my uterus which threatened to rupture if I were to give birth naturally…which would have been the case if I moved c-section to today in order to attend my aunts funeral…
I like to think she played a hand in keeping me/us safe because shortly before her death she told me that she would always be looking after me and Aidan…and if it wasn't for fact that I knew she wouldn't want me to move things around or "take any chances" I would have "tried to hold out" and end up in a heap of trouble…
Things aren't all rosey though, Aidan is in NICU he has something referred to as wet lung (google it, it's a real thing-i was surprised to find) he is attached to pipes and what not and my heart breaks to see him like this 🙁
We don't get to hold him much, so every cuddle and every hug is THAT much more important (see pics of us finally getting to hold him…)
I'm getting discharged from hospital but will be boarding from today until hospital runs out of room or Aidan is well enough to leave…the latter being first prize…I will be hanging so I can feed him on demand, very fast food franchise like, problem is, no-one told my breasteses that I have to fEed someone because like a lactose free sundae THERE IS NO MILK (see picture of me in cow pajamas, which I packed because it is comfy but turns out to just be painfully ironic, or is it coincidental-Alanis Morissette messed up ironic in my head)
Anyway, we are keeping the faith even though having yet another baby in NICU has Rob and I both feeling like we want to kidnap him and go home and just cuddle we know it's best to have him where doctors can help heal him…
My patience is fading fast though, had a 3 second meltdown last night as I could hear him moaning (my room is next to NICU) but it was like 1 in the morning and I didn't want to interfere with nurses…
Really hope he gets to go home soon, actually more than hope! I PRAY and BELIEVE he will accompany me home soon 🙂
Oh and If you are wondering what deal is with last photo…I love it because he was under blanket with head sticking out and when Rob leaned in to take picture, Aidan's arms shot up and he covered himself…hehehe
Have a good week and keep us in your prayers…

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