So two sleeps from now (naps not included) I'm going into hospital to deliver my rainbow baby! OMW did I really make it this far!!!
I'll be knocked out completely (please hold your judgment on how I'm missing out, after last time my dr is concerned that the operating room and all that goes with it may bring back memories of my last traumatic experience and have me go into shock! Also after the scaring from last time they need to fix "insert medical term here" so it won't be a straight forward, delivery)
I know it'll be difficult not actually seeing him be born and it is not ideal when it comes to latching for breast feeding, but after you lose a baby believe me you become rather at peace with the "how" so as long as he is healthy I couldn't really care less…
Pretty sure I'm gonna wake up freaked out about whether or not he was okay though, so Rob is going to have to be on hand with info and pics asap!
I'm typing this at two in the morning as sleep has become a bit of a foreign concept to me, and sometime in the last hour I had a OMW moment relating to Aidan's arrival (which sadly coincides with my godmother's burial, I can't really wrap my mind around missing out on this goodbye and instead saying hello to my baby-she was very excited about him so I'm sure she understands and I will be attending her memorial service this evening – where I will try to keep my composure while conveying a speech about her-so in my own way I do get to say goodbye)
Back to my realisation; I realised that all these baby related things around the house were no longer going to be "museum pieces", Rob and I will no longer be "just the two of us" and in actual fact I'm about to acquire a screaming pooping "mini boss"!
My life is about to change so much that my emotions are struggling to keep up!
How amazing is it that God is giving us this "second chance" how amazing that choosing Faith over Fear has yielded such amazing results and how amazing that we get to meet our son!!!
Rob is already the picture of a proud dad, speaking to my bump whenever he can- with no regard to who think's he is crazy (mainly me)
I won't lie I'm scared! Ohhhh I'm so freakidy freaked out! irrational fears like under/over feeding him or dropping him in the bath plague my mind, I wonder how I, me, miss I prefer to be alone all the time, is gonna cope with this little being who will be relying on me for every little thing!
I've never even had a pet, my plants die and my childhood attempts at raising virtual pets have all ended in me pressing the restart button. So ja I'm pretty overwhelmed right about now…
Times like these I'm so glad for Rob!
He has been reading and learning along side me and I know that we have each others backs, he has even stored up his off days at work and will be home with us for the whole of April, this way he can really support me and we can make sure neither of us throws out the baby with the bath water (never quite "got" that saying)
I'll be sure to show off our baby soonest 🙂 but only non-bloody and non-slimy pics, I'm not a fan of the "very natural" ones…

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This morning I lay listening to the rain, afraid to move…afraid to re-animate myself and truly wake up to the reality of life.
If I just lay here quietly listening to the rain and to Rob breath beside me, if I don't move I'm technically not awake and don't have to deal with the truth of life, I don't need to remind myself that my aunt, my godmother, my "other mom" is no longer with us.
She died in such a cruel way, her body deteriorating as cancer made its way through her like a group of teenage boys attacking a buffet table. At the end she could hardly see, eat or move.
One of the proudest women I'd ever known – the one who on her sick bed still tells me, "You really should get your hair done", and looked at my maternity wear and inquired if I didn't have "anything cuter to wear" – she faded in front of our eyes.
The woman who often acted as my conscience – you can ask any of my cousins, the words, "Aunty Eu wants to speak to you" sent shudders down your spine and made you do a quick stock-take on what you could have done wrong – that woman is gone.
The woman who used to hand me first class guilt trip tickets if I didn't contact her in a while and would play act that she couldn't recognise me saying something like, "you know you remind me of this girl who is so close to my heart and who I helped raise, but it can't be her as she never phones or visits anymore", that woman is gone.
The one I used to devour magazines and cookbooks with, she is no longer here. The one I used to plan – but hardly ever complete – craft projects with, she's no longer here.
The woman who ended up being the first person in the family to meet Robin (due to him visiting when my family was out of town, me accidentally setting off our alarm system and her being on the alarm company's to-call list) and then both scaring the crap out of him and making him feel like part of the family, she's gone.
The woman who never had children of her own and truly understood our heartache over Logan and the possibility of never having children, she is gone.
There will be no more sitting at her dining room table or on her bed chatting about the intricacies of faith, religion and family. No more shared low cal recipes we never end up making. No more nothing.
All I have is memories like those of me staying over at her house every second week during most of my teen life because she didn't like sleeping alone when her husband was working nights and then she could always help me with school work while I studied without having to fight my siblings for dominance of the dining room table (my favorite study spot).
I remember silently watching movies while she slept (they had pay-tv way before my parents did), I remember spending hours in their shed reading magazines older than I was, I remember her teaching me to sew (jury is still out on whether she was successful or not – my gran and mom tried to teach me too), I remember, as a little girl, her reprimanding me for interrupting conversations and reminding me to always respect my elders even if they were crazy (her words not mine).
I remember her at every pivotal part of my life, fighting back the urge to take control (I inherited that control thing in equal parts from her and my dad) because as she recently told me, she didn't want my mother to feel undermined (she didn't want to be my dads know it all older sister-well not more so than usual,hehe).
I will always remember her brutal honesty, her dress sense, her attempting to tame my bush of unruly hair and most of all more than anything I will remember our last conversation… a week after she called the family in to "say her goodbyes" and with tears in her eyes hugged me and vowed to help me raise Aidan even if she was no longer here (she so badly wanted to meet him and I so badly wanted him to know her…)
Our last conversation went something like this; With her eyesight already failing she tried to locate me in the room, I went over to her and she rubbed my hand and asked in a hushed completely uncharacteristically soft way why no-one told her I was there, I smiled and told her that I prefer to "make an entrance" she rubbed my hands with hands I could no longer recognise as her own and said, "I love you girlfriend" my heart skipped a beat and I asked her if she knew how much I loved her and she shook her head yes and smiled at me in that mischievous "excuse you, I know everything" way of hers…
I'm going to miss you sooooo much Aunty Eunice, but I will remember the biggest lessons you taught me:
– I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (a verse she made me recite every time I felt weak)
– Don't go out looking for heartache and other people's opinions of you is none of your business (Something she drummed into me after my first big break-up)
– Ultimately God is in control, at the times you crave control the most LET GO and LET GOD.

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With two weeks to go until D-day (taking a month off work before Aidan's birth has been such a lesson in patience! but better safe than sorry) I'm finally finding myself thinking of the superficial things…wondering who he will resemble who he will act like and so forth…

I hope he is the best of both of us; like my love of laughter with his dad's love of learning, or my love of creativity with his dad's passion for honesty, he can skip his dad's "grumpy when tired-ness" and my "need to over analyse every little thing-ness" But honestly whoever he ends up being like, he is already loved…

Up to this point I just wondered "would he make it through another week"

I'm not saying it's a done deal,life is unpredictable to say the least BUT I'm finally truly excited, I look at his room with expectancy and that is a great feeling, even though I feel like a kid asked to close her eyes and hold her unwrapped Christmas gift for "just another few weeks" without peeking (the wait is driving me bonkers!) I'm happy because I'm finally at a place where Rob and I can look at Aidan's scans and say things like "that is definitely his dad's nose" , "those lips come from his mom" and so on… We don't care who is right or wrong, it's just such a relief to "live with 100% faith" so much so that I've cut the tags off most of his things (a big milestone if you have ever found yourself surrounded by baby stuff – without a baby)

So now here we are 2 weeks to go wondering about the silly things like who will he looks like and THAT makes me happy…

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Inspired by one of my favourite South African bloggers, Catriona, over at http://catsimpressions.blogspot.com/ I'm going to join in on the "5 things movement" by sharing 5 things about myself; as if you guys don't already know more than you need to about me,lol…

1. I'M A MAJOR (BORDERING ON OCD) LISTER: Often when I feel overwhelmed by something in my life I need to write a list, whether it's a pro-and-con list, a to-do list or a budget, lists make me feel comfortable and in control.

2. GROWING UP I THOUGHT MY NAME WAS TOO GROWN-UP: I like my name now, but growing up I felt like my name was more suited a 85-year-old librarian than an artsy teen…I wanted to be something cuter like Angel or Candy (must say I prefer Eleanor or Ella now, it suites me)

3. I DON'T LIKE TAKING BATHS: Baths kinda freak me out, feels like I'm making Eleanor soup…bleugh…I shower because I don't like idea of laying in my own dirt and when I do bath I tend to shower before…weird I know

4. I'M PRETTY FRUGAL: I can't stand paying for things I could do/make myself. Don't get me wrong I LOVE shopping, but the DIY option is always my first option…

5. I TALK TO MYSELF ALLLLL THE TIME: Not out loud,but I speak to myself in my head a lot, full on conversations/monologues. In a way this is probably a paper less version of listing,but hey my insanity keeps me sane 😉

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Those are my five things, fellow blogger please join in 🙂

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If you are looking for a cute,quick treat, like for a kiddies party or something these marshmallow cups are just the thing!
And they are SUPER EASY to make…well they are now (my first attempt had the chocolate seize and NO1 wants to waste chocolate-I searched the net for sure fire ways to avoid that in the future and included it right at the bottom)

WHAT YOU NEED:
– Marshmallows (extra big bag so you can scoff the rest)
– chocolate of your choice
– sprinkles
– mini cupcake cups (can also use lollipop sticks and turn it into marshmallow pops instead)

WHAT YOU DO:
1. Collect ingredients
2. Melt chocolate (using one of the methods below
3. Dip marshmallows in chocolate
4. Sprinkle with uhm sprinkles
5. Place in cups….TA DA!

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WAYS TO MELT CHOCOLATE:
Water bath:
Fill a large pot with water, and heat to just below simmering. Place the chocolate in a heatproof bowl, such as stainless steel, and place the bowl in the water. Gently and constantly stir the chocolate while keeping the water below simmering.
Double boiler:
Fill the bottom half of a double boiler with water, making certain the bottom of the top half doesn't touch the water. Bring the water to a simmer. Place the chocolate in the top half, and place over the simmering water. Be careful that the water doesn't boil or splash into the chocolate, because any moisture will cause it to seize.
Microwave oven:
Place room temperature chocolate in a microwave-safe bowl. Microwave at medium power. The chocolate won't completely melt, but it will turn glossy and soft to the touch. Remove from the microwave and stir to finish melting. Microwave 1 ounce of chocolate for about 90 seconds; 6 ounces for about 31/2 minutes, stopping halfway through to stir the chocolate. Since times are approximate, always start with the suggested melting time and repeat in 30-second intervals.

Which ever method you use, remember these points:
Make sure all equipment is completely dry. Any moisture on the utensils or in the container may cause the chocolate to seize, or stiffen. If this happens, stir in 1/2 to 1 teaspoon shortening (not butter) for every ounce of chocolate.
Be careful to keep water from splashing into the chocolate. A single drop will cause the chocolate to seize.
Keep heat low to avoid scorching.
Always stir chocolate during melting, because most chocolate retains its shape as it melts.

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