JUST HAD TO SHARE

August 13, 2013Leave a comment

When I’m tempted to stop the journey I often look back to see how far I have come and realise there is no way I can give up now 🙂

a sad post

August 13, 20132 Comments

from fanpop.com

I’m sad this morning, a profound sadness that catches you by surprise and leaves you breathless and fighting back tears…This morning I just miss my aunt/godmother soooo much. There is something to be said for funerals I guess, I was in hospital [just having given birth to Aidan who could not breath unassisted] so going to the funeral was not an option, maybe if it was, maybe if I saw her being lowered into the ground I wouldn’t have these “episodes” the fact that she’s gone wouldn’t hit me like a ton of bricks and I wouldn’t have to catch my breath and wipe the tears which have fallen on my child’s sleeping face.

Every now and again I remember that I can’t phone her to ask advice or just vent, I can’t pop over for tea and she will no longer send me a message to “change the channel NOW” because I’d be very interested in a topic on some show [usually Oprah] It breaks my heart when I think how she has been a part of every part of my life, every big move from confirmation to graduation, first job to wedding , but now when I need her most she’s gone. Now when I have realized the dream of becoming a mother [a dream she couldn’t fulfill and we both feared I couldn’t either] she can’t share my joy.

I can just imagine how much she would have loved him and how she would have spoilt him. I think of the articles she would have got for me to read about raising a son and how she would get a kick out of his fascination with books… Before she died, I saw her on my birthday and breathlessly she half teased that she didn’t have a message for me, that we have had enough conversations to last a lifetime and I could just draw from that, but today as I type and try to fight back tears I’m pretty sure she was wrong…I have so much more I would have loved to learn from her and so much more to talk about. . . I guess it’s just one of those lessons that are super painful to learn, Nothing lasts forever so appreciate what you have now because things change in the blink of an eye…

In need of a mental pause button

August 9, 2013Leave a comment

I haven’t blogged in a while,I mean to and then just dont do, life gets so hectic sometimes and I often forget to stop and be in the here and now (this started as a kid when I would read ahead of the other kids in class because they were taking to long and then I’d get into trouble because when it came to my turn to read out loud,I would have started reading whatever book I had snuck in and have NO CLUE where I was supposed to be) mentally I’m always like that, I will be eating supper thinking about dessert (can’t tell you the amount of times my parents asked me to just slow down for a second… “clear your mind and relax”, my dad would say [mind you, he still does] but I can never seem to do that for very long because my mind is already on page two thinking what I can think about after not thinking [yes I’m THAT crazy, hehe]… It has become so bad that I will be in conversation with someone about [lets say] flowers, then I think, “must not forget to tell them about [lets say] cats”, and I actually lose my place in my own conversation, those close to me are getting a little too used to me asking, “what was I saying again” it even happens when I’m making mental notes and I have to stop and think “what was I thinking again” YES PEOPLE I’VE GOT ADVANCED FOMO [fear of missing out] IN MY OWN MIND!!!!

I notice that I do this with Aidan too, as much as I love watching him grow, I often wonder, “what next?” ( and I realize this is wrong-in fact this [in many ways] is what is prompting me to change things and slow down) When Aidan first smiled I wonder when he would laugh or now that he sits up and I wonder when he will sit unsupported…But no more!!!

Life is way too short to live life like a preview reel, always interested in the coming attractions and not focusing on the movie playing right now.

I want to spend more time in the here and now, blog more, laugh more and [for goodness sake] relax more

WISH ME LUCK

Aidy’s day at the beach

August 7, 2013Leave a comment

4 months!!!

August 5, 20133 Comments

Four months have gone by so fast and just yesterday I was holding Aidan and couldn’t believe how far we have come… Here is this month’s catch up: APPEARANCE: Still not sure of Aidan’s eye colour but his hair has gone from slightly wavy to crazy curly, decided not to cut it, I like the idea of having a curly fro’d little boy running around. Every day he seems to be looking less and less babyish and I can hardly believe it .

PERSONALITY: In the past month he has found his voice and loves to use it, he chats away to who ever will pay attention and has become such a little busy body. He is always wanting to play with the big kid and doesn’t seem to understand that he cant even sit unassisted yet.

ROUTINE: Since I’m back at work he spends the day with my mom (with my dad having lunch at home much more often now) she is great with kids so we are super lucky. Rob and I try to do as much family things as possible on weekends and with Aidan it seems it’s mostly birthday parties, he is becoming such a little social butterfly

LOVES: Its so adorable that he actually plays with his toys now, especially this little bear which I secretly call gross bear – it is constantly covered in Aidan’s drool-he loves that thing and tends to ambush it…Smile at the bear, hug the bear, nom nom nom get in my mouth silly bear. I think the bear might have magical properties as other little ones are always trying to trade Aidy for it. He also LOVES any book like thing, he gets sooo excited, hope this love of “the written word” lasts