Scarred not scared

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I will be 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow and this right here is how giant I am already…wish me luck 🙂
my everything is swollen, see no wrists or ankles to speak of, but so worth it

I have a scar, it goes all the way down from my bellybutton to where C-section scars are usually situated –  I have been told on more than one occasion that my belly button is unusually high so that’s a long way – it’s getting wider as my belly stretches and must be well over 5cm by now…The scar is getting worse the bigger I get, stretching and hardening and hurting like heck, esp. since Aidan uses that area for kick boxing practice.
So what’s the point of me saying this? Well I was thinking how the scar is so representative of all that’s happened…I’ve “healed” physically but the scar is like a giant reminder of what happened…it’s changed my life “I can never confidently wear a bikini again” (also I’m no longer built for a bikini but that’s besides the point) and I can’t look at my tummy without remembering why I’m “mutilated” (in the rush to save my life they didn’t exactly care about how everything looked)…The doctor has told me that reconstructive work is in order…they plan on cutting out the scar tissue and stitching me up neater this time, then I have steroid injections to look forward to (I plan on using this as an excuse if I don’t lose weight fast enough) this is scheduled to happen right after Aidan’s birth meaning I get a new C-section scar (the regular garden variety) and another scar (the old re-cut one) which they (me especially) hope will heal way better this time… It should fade with time…but never truly go away, I guess like memories…some things are just meant to be a part of you whether you like it or not.

tmgdisc

Getting real with myself

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I’m pretty honest these days, extremely honest, in fact you would be hard pressed to find a question I would not answer…
This is a far cry from my youth – no I was not a serial liar – I just wanted to “belong” so badly that my opinions became intertwined in other peoples beliefs. I’ve been to countless movies that I didn’t particularly want to see,I’ve eaten meals I would not have chosen and I’ve done things I couldn’t afford (my credit card bills are evidence of this)
When it comes to love I was so desperate for adoration I found myself in situations which now make me cringe and in hind sight were pretty dangerous.
My whole aura seemed to scream “I’m worthy! Please love me”
Thinking back, some friends did warn me but at the time I thought they were just boring and meddlesome.
I got out of my destructive behavior pretty unharmed-except for cringing at memories- and now I look at myself and think, good job Ella.
I’m glad you finally have the courage to say no to the small things, it means you can say no when it counts. I’m glad you are willing to admit that although you would love caviar you are currently on a burger budget (can’t even super size), I’m glad you can take criticism and realise sometimes people are just trying to help, other times not so much…
Everyday you grow, everyday you learn and I must say you’ve come a long way and I’m quite proud 🙂
Sent from my BlackBerry®

Our Rainbow’s room

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So what started as a nautical room is now transport themed:
 WHY? well because people keep giving us gifts that are transport inspired (not just boats) and I couldn’t say no to all the cuteness
The duvet and chair cover is from my mom, the chalk board has always been there but I added his name for cuteness and well these pics don’t really do the room justice but I LOVE IT 
My friend Sal (from fashion friday) hosted an amazing baby shower for me this weekend (pictures to come-date was moved forward) and I actually ended up incorporating some of the decor into Aidan’s room okay more than some, Sal is super creative

This is a before and after for the “feeding chair” my mom redid for the room. It looks soooo good 🙂
Before Aidan goes to sleep in his own room, we intend to keep him close, and for that our friend Lyndall borrowed us a stunning vintage moses basket 🙂 HOW BEAUTIFUL

Why cancer sucks

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Last year around this time a good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer,  two months later another friend died of cancer then the one who was diagnosed earlier passed too.
 My gran overcame breast and brain cancer, but then Robin’s dad died from what they think was liver cancer (he wasn’t very open with his diagnosis)
Now cancer strikes AGAIN! My Godmother who  had quite a big hand in raising me, has been told her cancer is so advanced there is nothing they can do for her, she was even given a timeline and told the likelihood of her seeing a new year is not very good.
The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach, in a completely selfish way I want her here forever, she needs to be here so I can phone her whenever I need to vent and I need to be able to tell her about my latest projects and I need to get her advice on venues and menus and dĂ©cor and life and  . . .
We used to get into little fights cause I didn’t visit enough now I feel like, if I only knew…but that’s life hey, you just never know, you don’t know when your good will turn bad when the dark cloud will overpower the silver lining… She has decided to live in faith… and I’ve decided to do that with her…I mean just last year I was told I would need a hysterectomy and instead we are ready to welcome a new baby into the family…so that’s it, the outlook might be bleak but looking in, things look good…her spirits are up  even though she faces such hardship so who am I to bring her down, how dare I let my own emotions dampen her spirits so that’s it!
 
FAITH OVER FEAR the mantra regains it’s power!

 

11 months without him

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It’s 11 months today almost a full year since we had to say goodbye to our little boy, Logan Allan Meyers….you will always be loved:

 Grief is Like a River

By Cinthia G. Kelley
My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
but I myself determine
just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me
in waves of guilt and pain,
but there are always quiet pools
where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger;
my faith seems faint indeed,
but there are other swimmers
who know that what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
when the waters are too swift,
and someone kind to listen
when I just seem to drift.
Grief’s river is a process
of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in hope’s channels,
I’ll reach the shore at last.
 
 
 
 

tmgdisc

Dessert French Toast

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If you ever feel for a cheap and easy dessert in the middle of the night when you can’t exactly get to a shop…you HAVE to try this whole wheat cinnamon French toast with honey/syrup and ice-cream recipe….nom nom… All you need is, bread, eggs, sugar, milk, cinnamon, honey/syrup and ice-cream – sounds like a lot but you probably have all of these things in your house right now…

pic didn’t come out as nice as I hoped, it’s delicious I swear!

Here is how to do it J
1. Break 6 eggs into a bowl suitable for dipping bread
2. Add 3 tablespoons of milk
3. Add a heaped spoon of sugar (I usually use brown, but ran out)
4. Add a teaspoon of ground cinnamon (I loves me some cinnamon)
5. Dip bread in mixture…and place in greased tray to bake at 180 for 30min – until no longer wet and squishy (in all honestly I prefer the texture when I pan fry them in a leetle bit of canola oil)
That’s it! Serve with honey/syrup and ice-cream. Tastes ridiculously similar to waffles , I SWEAR J

 
 
 

 
tmgdisc