Im having one of THOSE days you know where it feels like everyone you come across is part of this pact to annoy you…In honour of me being very proud that I have not smacked anyone yet I compiled the following quotes, this way I can vent and no one gets hurt “yet”

I am a huge stand-up comedy junkie! especially British comedy and especially Michael Mcintyre and Jimmy Carr. Those guys never fail to crack me up! here are some quotes from the funny men:

MICHAEL MCINTYRE

“You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote ‘I still love you, see last years card for full details’” Talking about Valentines Day:

So hello! I’m good at hello, I’m not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don’t know what’s happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you’re on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation “of course I’ll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I’ll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!” Why am I doing that?

“I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s two…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got two words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!”

When swine flu was at its height and people were panic-buying masks and gloves, he quipped: “Isn’t it ironic that Michael Jackson died just as his look came into fashion?”

“I became monstrously posh as a child. My dad, who was Canadian, would say: ‘You sound like an a******.’ And I’d just say: ‘Oh, Papa, why do you speak of me in such ill tones?’

“Posh hotels have a “turn-down” service when a maid comes to your room in the evening to prepare your bed for slumber. I had never heard of this and I was staying in one of these hotels when there was a knock at the door and a woman said: “I’ve come to turn down your bed,” to which I said: “Well, many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?”

“Who’s phoning radio stations to warn of traffic jams? Who in their right mind gets stuck and thinks: “Get me the phone — I must warn the others. It’s too late for me.”?

A good book is called a “page turner” – surely that is the minimum you expect from any book.”

“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”

JIMMY CARR

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn’t help thinking, she should move.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying “Can I have a new bike?”. He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him “They’re like buses.” He said “What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.” I said “No, they are like buses!”

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.