Life right now. . .

1 Comment

You know when you watch a movie and you see the characters do something and you say to yourself – or if you’re the vocal kind (guilty) you will say to your companion- “that’s so stupid! how could she do or say . . .?”
This happens in real life too,  you think you know yourself, you know that if  X happens Y will be your reaction, well that’s what you tell yourself until you find yourself slap bang in the situation and all your good intentions fly out the window.
I find myself in that very situation right now, just the other day I was steadfast in my belief system and now I find myself trembling as I type, do I have the courage to be faithful or the faith to be courageous?
Well do I?
 Well I’ve decided I do (fake it till you feel it) even though I can literally feel my blood pressure rising as I type this, I need to say this out loud so here goes, I’m pregnant! we are having a baby next year!
It comes as the most appreciated and pleasant shock EVER! We naturally have many fears and this is definitely not a naive state of being for us, especially with the pregnancy being monitored closely and me being put on meds, not to mention new life bringing back memories of life lost, but we feel extremely blessed.
We were told that we would need help getting pregnant and not to get our hopes up for anytime soon, so  we didn’t, we admitted to ourselves that we wanted to be parents, but never in our wildest dreams did we think our prayers would be answered like this and so quickly.
Our doctor (we love her to bits)  is extremely positive and happy for us and so are our families and close friends.
I know typing this is going against the advice of many people who are against me sharing the news openly and especially blogging it.
I know all these people have my best interest at heart, but that is not who I am, I cant hide this blessing we have received from God, I take telling people as a way of  “claiming” this life God is offering us, I can’t be preoccupied with peoples negative thoughts over my life, that is not who I am or how we live our lives. Not sharing the news might keep people from putting negative thoughts over your life (which I cancel in the name of the Lord)  but doesnt it also close the door to positive thoughts and prayers?
How can I be so open with my pain but not my happiness?
I have lost a lot this year, two amazing friends (both of whom taught me that life is short and that it is my responsibility to live it to the fullest) and a beautiful baby boy who I will always cherish.
But now I have good news to share and dammit I will share it,lol
I love my little rainbow already and love what she/he stands for:

My little Logan will be a big brother  and I know he shares our joy J

And this weekend. . .

Leave a comment

I spent some time with one of my besties from high school, Jemaine J It’s one of those friendships where we don’t see each other often but when we do it’s like we haven’t spent a moment apart, we hung out Friday evening chatting about nothing and everything. . .

No this is not a studio picture she is just ridiculously photogenic like that, some people *rolls eyes*

 

Then on Saturday I spent some time with my cousin Che-lynn and her daughter Kirsten. We did some retail therapy and brunch in celebration of Che-lynn’s birthday.
Kirsten (1 years old) had us in stitches with all her opinions (not that one mommy, you must buy the green one, what you doing so long? just take this one and my favourite, wheres the burgers?….she also complained that she was the only one who did not own a laptop *children of today* her chatter drew quite a lot of attention as she is extremely vocal for her age and no1 wanted to believe that her second birthday is still a few months off.

“I’m tired now, I sit with the big dollies”

 
 
The rest of the weekend I just. . . .
 

6months later, my vent

3 Comments

 
 
It’s six months today, which means Logan has officially spent as much time in heaven as he did in my womb, I still miss him a lot!

I often look at his pictures and video and am in awe that I am his mother, that beautiful little boy was mine even if it was for a fleeting moment, I still think about him a lot, some days more than others, the other day someone commented that I must be over it now (I know they didn’t mean it as harshly as it come across) and thing is, No, “I’m not over it by now” My son was alive for a day and a half and I never got to hold him,  that’s not something you just “get over” I keep having to remind myself that people mean well, like all the people who tell me not to share the news when I get pregnant again (I had a full blown bump at 14weeks, don’t think people like me can hide even if we wanted to) they say it with best of intentions,  but telling me to hide my blessings  doesn’t really have a place in the way I live my life, I play it by heart, I’m an emotion driven person and if I want to scream something off the roof tops its my prerogative, I’m only gossiping about myself anyway 😉

Many people say to be cautious and not to be too vocal about my happiness (as if my excitement killed my baby-gee thanks)

I Spoke to a new friend the other day, she is also a blogger and lost her son a few hours after birth. She is now pregnant and decided to announce on her blog as soon as she was sure of results. Her reason for this?  she “didn’t want fear to steal one moment of joy”  (I like that)

We spoke about how I feel about putting the news of a rainbow baby “out there” (I’m not saying start a Facebook group about your pregnancy) just not being afraid to mention it on your blog or on the occasional status, to me it is a way of trusting in God to take the reigns, saying I’m so confident that things will be ok, I’m willing to say “I’m excited” out loud .

 I understand people are not trying to be mean they genuinely don’t want me to be hurt by peoples comments and reactions and “negative vibes” but ironically telling me to hide is hurtful on its own. When Logan died I was criticized for being so open with it, I never intended to be “that open” at first I told the world because congratulations messages were still flooding in after his death, “I had to say something” then people kept asking what happened, so I typed it up and put it on my blog, as a way of getting it out of my system (as only writing can) and a way to share my story without me having to relive it with every question, then my blog started helping other people and it started helping me (the best and cheapest therapy) so I have continued blogging (when the emotions hit).

I don’t get how sharing my happiness could be wrong, Janine’s (fellow blogger) words resonate with me,  she said,: “You need to be YOU,  follow your heart”. I guess in a way our honesty about our weaknesses becomes our strength, no1 can even gossip about me, I do it first 😉 I love living a honest uncomplicated life, I enjoy sharing my heart and my love of God and even though I am constantly being warned about peoples negative thoughts I cant help but think that keeping things secret would also keep away positive thoughts and prayers.

“If God is for you, who can be against you”

The weekend in *shody/cellphone* pics

Leave a comment

So this weekend was a blur of activity, seriously it’s making work feel like a break *shocker* This is what I got up to (I took pics with my cell-phone, because I couldn’t be bothered to take my camera with me-but huh)

I went to see the group Sterling EQ, for those who don’t know, they do AMAZING instrumental music using “classic” instruments, I was particularly impressed with their cellist who managed to do the can-can while playing (and she’s a PE girl nogal) The boardwalk team where on their game as usual  – esp Siya:)

Sucky pic, but they were truly something, the big head sticking out of the pic is some rude lady who shooshed us, seriously who shooshes in the first 2minutes of a MUSIC SHOW! I’m was still trying to settle into my seat and here she is all SHUSH! imagine that, seeing as a older pair of ladies were chatting no stop throughout the show (right in front of her) and not a single shush , tisk tisk lady tisk tisk

I had a corn dog for the first time, seriously have always wanted to try one, it is most certainly not on list of favourite things, but I’m glad I finally tried one, also had a waffle on a stick, i was clearly going for novelty value over nutrition

had brunch at Topiary lane, a old post-office which has been turned into a quaint coffee shop and bonus it is walking distance from our house

They know Robin there by now, he walks in and they are all, “coffee and farmhouse breakfast?”

My friend Trudy had a surprise Hen Party this weekend, time is ticking down for the wedding there girly 😉

Went to my friend Jenine’s bday party but my phone had died by then *damn blackberry battery life*
This pic is from my wedding

My cousin Desthea had her birthday party on Sunday and my battery was acting up again, but a big happy birthday to her 🙂

Baby love. . . welcome to the world little ones

Leave a comment



Blake and Riley

I’m finding myself in a weird state of happy meets fear at the moment, My friend, Robyn (the one who was  the maid of honour at my wedding) has had the most beautiful twins (Blake and Riley) and holding them (they are the first newborns I have held since Logan) has made me realize just how deeply losing Logan hurt, I find myself praying for them to be safe all the time and not the rational kind of prayer that everyone does, it’s way more “PLEASE GOD, NOT AGAIN” kind of prayer.

I’m freaked out by thoughts of their safety but at the same time  I am so thankful for their lives, these two angels, along with Hananiah (Danelle’s baby) , Samuel (Yolande’s baby), Jacqueline (Mechelle’s baby) and Levi (Jill’s baby)   –  who were all born after Logan – have in a way restored my faith in the fact that, babies can be happy and healthy and that “things can turn out great”.

I’d be lying if I said my happiness for them wasn’t tainted with a longing for my own happy ever after, that I didn’t want to cradle a healthy little baby too, but at the same time I’m so proud, I think they are just the cutest things and they have really  planted a seed of promise in the part of my heart where doubt and pain was.

The most amazing part of my love for these six babies (and those we are still waiting for JMoms you know who you are . . .) is that it comes from this amazing respect I have for their mothers who stood by me in my darkest hour, at the most critical times in their pregnancies – with tummies out to there –  they chose to be part of my support system and when they could have been at their happiest they chose to share my pain. I’m a very lucky girl J

 

Also my friends make the prettiest babies, hehe . . .
 

Hananiah

Samuel

Jacqueline

Levi