So last night I cried and cried, inconsolably, the type of crying where if someone consoles you (enter husband) you want to punch them in the nose because sometimes sadness is healing and you want someone to cry with you not be strong for you.
The funny thing about yesterday’s sadness (which still lingers today like the remnants of a New Years party where you never quite got around to cleaning up) is that it was brought on by a lack of sadness, I suddenly realised that for the past week or so I was doing ok, QUE guilt!!! how can you be ok?!?!? your son died and you are going on as if it was a mere inconvenience. The guilt tore at my heart! and asked how dare I not be in the dark pit of despair 24/7, how dare I let rays of sunshine come through and illuminate my bereaved heart?
A friend of mine, who lost the love of her life and father to her daughters put it so nicely, “sometimes sadness is comforting” I get that. If I’m sad my connection with Logan is at it’s strongest, the more time passes the further he goes, he becomes part of my past while my heart yearns for him to be in my present!!! it’s three months this week and with each passing day, I’m congratulated for “dealing so well”, “being so strong”, “being able to move forward” and the funny thing is, none of those “compliments” make me feel “well or strong” it makes me feel guilty!
A devastating thing happened to you Eleanor, BE DEVASTATED DAMIT!!!!
My belief in God consoles my heart, I don’t think things are coincidental, God has a plan regarding my healing and my life from here on out, he is healing my heart and puts things in place to help me “deal” but I can’t help but feel a little confused sometimes, like I’ve been pushed onstage on opening night and I have not read the script, I babble on while trying to locate the exit while the audience cheer me on and I don’t even know what I did that was cheer worthy or they boo me and I have even less of a clue to what I did wrong.
I wish there was some kind of manual to child loss. YOUR BABY DIED,WHAT NEXT. . . , I’d buy that book, I’d also buy SO NOW YOUR THINKING ABOUT BABY NUMBER TWO BUT CANT LET GO OF NUMBER 1 , I’d buy that because I feel like I’m the mother of TWO, ONE in my heart (Logan) and ONE in my head/future, but no-one in my arms THAT SUCKS!
This grief thing sucks bum, its all mixed up in my head, and now I’ve been diagnosed with some inflammation thing that takes 11 tablets a day to be fixed (so I don’t have to go through life all bloated and swollen and I can finally start losing some weight) with the pills comes a new diet and exercise regime then I have medical bills and still need to find the cash for a head stone and it all just feels too much sometimes, I know it could be worse I understand that 100% but sometimes it’s just not fun.
Wish me luck and have a good week, just needed to vent
(picture from rawarrior.com)
