Mothers day after losing your baby is a cruel reality. Rob hates it if I say I’m not a mother, he says it’s denying our son, I don’t mean to deny him, I just feel that being a mother with no-one to mother is the cruellest irony! Yes I’m a mother, but I want to be a mom!
I have the wide set hips of a mother, the stretch marks, the (worse than most) c-section scar, I have the medical bills and mementoes from birth, but that’s where it stops.
My heart aches as I write this, my arms long for a little someone to hold and caress and to sing to, I wish my “motherly duties” weren’t taken away so soon.
I’m healing, everyday I can feel God working towards putting my heart back together, but days like tomorrow hurt!!!
Moms are praised for their work, for late night feeds and kissing the booboo, for loving and taking care and with each advertisement on tv,radio,magazine, my entire being screams out, ITS NOT FAIR!!! I didn’t bail out on my duties on purpose! I want to stay up late with feedings and I don’t mind dealing with a cranky child! I wasn’t given a fair chance! Its just not fair!
It all feels so crazy like I entered a triathlon and when I got to the cycle part, my bike was stolen, I trained! I was ready! I wanted it! Its not my fault I couldn’t finish 🙁
I know so many women will share my pain tomorrow, through child loss and infertility! And I pray God helps us heal because this pain is something I would never wish on anyone.

(Picture from yailike.com)
Sent from my BlackBerry®

So I’ve been feeling sick lately and today I had to go do a couple of tests at the hospital, the hospital, where two months ago,today, I held my lifeless little boy for the first and last time…so clearly wasn’t looking forward to that.
As luck would have it one of the tests was a scan of my kidneys, using the very same machine that revealed our babies gender, 5months ago.
I lay in the same room that just the other day had excited me, fighting back tears and making polite conversation with the technician, who then noticed my “unusual scar” and started asking questions about Logan. I kept thinking…hush lady you gonna make me cry.
Robin had moved his appointments around to come to the scan with me, even though I saw no need for it, and turns out I’m so glad he did, I wouldn’t have been able to face the scan without him…the oh so familiar, gel on your stomach the gentle prodding, but this time no rhythmic heart beat, no Logan. So obvious so real…rip there goes another plaster…

I just got off the phone with the lady at our medical aid, the midwife they had assigned to check up on us, I had to tell her you were gone and she “closed your file”
In the two months since you were called to heaven many people have had to “close your file” and that hurts, your birth certificate and death certificate were issued much to close to each other, our plans and dreams died with you and that is sad.
We were at your grave yesterday, but I’m sure you knew that, because as I stood there furious that cows had trampled your grave, shaking as I fought back tears and anger, you let butterflies come dance near the bouquet we brought for you, two giant butterflies,then a third and a forth, playfully dancing with each other in the midday sun, one came back, lingered above our heads before flying off and I knew it was you sending me a message, reminding me that the grave is nothing more than a resting place for your body, your soul flies free, no longer bound to earth.
Your dad didn’t see them though, he was too busy organising someone to fix up your grave, I wish he saw them, but I’m thankful he believes me and doesn’t think it’s my mind playing tricks on me.
Logan I miss you so much, your acrobatics, your forceful prodding when you didn’t like the position I was in, I wish so much to cuddle you and hold you, it breaks mummy’s heart knowing that there will always be a part missing in our family, our family circle will always be missing a link.
One day we will have siblings for you, but they will fit into our hearts in a different way forever leaving a logan shaped hole, never to be filled.
I know there is nothing to be done to remedy this, so all I can do is pray for my heart to accept (not forget) and pray that God’s grace stays with us in this journey.
I love you little man, till we meet again