Bye bye Mso

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I’m so sad 🙁 found out my friend passed away last weekend, who knew my heart was capable of more hurt.
Mso and I didn’t chat everyday, in fact we only saw each other at big media events, but there was such a bond there, such a glamorous hole is now left in my heart.
She did fashion and entertainment stories for a paper in Durban, while I did for our paper, she helped me out on my first out of town assignment and after that, for every event we would make sure the PR people put us on similar flights, and gave us hotel rooms close to each other.
As “Fashion week bff’s” we were often more excited to see each other than to see the clothes we were there for.
I know she used to read my blog – I was still supposed to help her set up her own 🙁 – I hope that somehow she can read this.
Somehow she needs to know how much she was loved, I’m typing this through tear stained eyes remembering all our fun times together.
Always stylish she’d arrive at hotel breakfasts, in cutest little outfits and then “get dressed” for our expeditions.
How much fun we had! Shopping trips, spa visits, helping each other with laptops and cameras that just wouldn’t work right, getting dressed up for event, finding that perfect shoe, cocktails and gossip sessions, I already miss her so much!
We snuck into VIP parties together, moaned about stuck up celebs together, spoke about starting our own fashion empire and discussed our hopes and dreams.
Once her money got stuck halfway out of the ATM and the two of us, a paranoid pair, waited for the police together, trying to act as casual as possible.
How can this friendly beauty who was often mistaken for a model be gone? How is it possible that we will never again be able to “check in” share a budget lunch at a swanky establishment, or practise our duck pouts together.
I’m saddened that disease ravaged her body and she spent the last months in and out of hospital (she stayed so positive through it all, her last fb statutes were evident of a fighting spirit)
It seems crazy that she is gone, and memories of her play through my mind in bitter sweet remembrance of a life cut fat too short.
I’m saddened that she never got her dream of getting married and having kids 🙁 I know she was excited about Logan and said she couldn’t wait to see me as a yummy mummy — here’s hoping they find each other in heaven and who knows, maybe he can be the son she wanted and she can be the mom I long to be for him.

Legacy of Love

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The sad truth about love is that there is so much to go around, but not everyone gets their share.
This photo was taken when I felt most loved, just me and my boys, enveloped in love.
I’m glad Logan got his share of love in this world, he was adored from the moment we knew of his existence. Friends and family shared in our joy and bestowed so much love on him, so many hopes and dreams.
I’m not the only one who loved him so this pain is not mine alone, I’m closest to the “flame of grief” so my pain is most intense it radiates from inside and threatens to take my sanity. Rob is often so preoccupied with protecting me that he ignores the flames enveloping his own heart, but pain this personal is unrelenting and he has been burnt.
The closer people are to us and the bigger their anticipation of Logan’s life the closer they stand to the flame and the more intense the heat. Some have only heard the story, but the smoke has left its mark.
Unlike Rob and I they are not bound to the fire so they can move away while all we can do is cling to each other while we wait for the blaze to diminish.
Logan was/is such a loved child, his life inside me and his oh so brief life on earth was prayed over/celebrated/appreciated in every way. We live in a society where love for a child is not a given, its does not go without saying. Children and adults often have to go without knowing love and that saddens me.
I hope to always show love to those I care for, no one should go without being loved and no one should go without making an impact – Although I miss my son with an often selfish heart, I’m a proud mom because my son was loved and his short life mattered 🙂

Can you unsubscribe to a nightmare?

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You know how when you subscribe to an e-mail newsletter or some cellphone service, you can “opt out” “unsubscribe” when you have had enough? Well why doesn’t grief have that option. I don’t want to forget my son I just would like to stop reliving the pain every morning so if at all possible can I “opt out” of the nightmares.
The latest nightmare is of Logan’s birthday/ baptism /some special occasion, where people keep showing up to the house, sending gifts and phoning and over and over and over again I have to explain that he is no longer alive, my son passed away, he only lived two days…Over and over and over I have to repeat the sentiment… and then to add injury to insult, I get to wake up to the reality that I am in fact living my nightmare, at least once a day I have to explain he is gone and with a heart that is still struggling to come to terms with my new reality, this is not pleasant.
I’ve always been a pretty intense person, even as a child. I was never sad, I was devastated, I was never happy, I was elated, even little crushes were epic love stories in my head. Maybe that’s why this is so difficult maybe that’s why I feel like my soul is in this dark pit of despair.
I’ve suffered from depression since my late teens, but even that has nothing on how I feel now, with depression I kinda got used to being a certain level of sad, it became common place, almost comforting, but grief is completely different. I always saw grief as this tunnel you go through, you start at the darkest point and as you walk through it becomes more illuminated and by the time you emerge on the other side, the darkness is firmly behind you and you bask in the light of the new day. But it’s not like that at all!!!! Its more like being in a boat in a sea of emotions, one moment everything seems fine, the water is calm and you can see yourself navigating to the other side, then suddenly without warning you are shaken by a storm, you hold on for dear life, white knuckles trying to steer through the murky waters. You never know how long the storms will last or how your boat will react to the abuse this time, then suddenly calm again, you tentatively release your grip off whatever you have chosen to cling to and try the steering thing again only to be surprised by summer showers.
This morning was a bit of  storm, I woke up with the Logan shaped hole in my heart aching and the logical side of my brain searching for a way to make it ok 🙁
Sometimes there is no way to make it ok I guess, sometimes there is no getting over something, only going through it.

Have a good day all.
PS. I have decided to make a concerted effort to loose the pregnancy weight, I’ve gone from my usual “curvy”, way past “pleasantly plump” and am dangerously close to “WOW she let herself go” WISH ME LUCK

A teddy named Faith

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I have a teddy named Faith…A giant brown bear that means so much.
Rob and I went to Art in the Park today and one stall had all these stuffed animals. Rob was instantly attracted to this giant brown bear, turns out he had a similar one as a little boy.
I got sad thinking we would never get to give our little boy a teddy like that, the best we can do is an attractive grave site (not a pleasant thought)
Suddenly Rob decides to buy the bear. I told him I really didn’t have use for a giant bear but he insisted and after he purchased it, told me that the bear was not for me, its for our future child.
That is how strong his faith is, he whole heartedly believes that we will be blessed again. (After months of physical healing for me and emotional healing for both of us naturally)
I stood in awe of his faith. After what I’ve physically been through, even the doctor telling me, “there is no reason you can’t have a healthy pregnancy” doesn’t have me convinced, especially since she can’t give me medical reason for what happened.
So it’s so amazing to have Rob’s faith to lean on. While I grapple with doubt, he is so confident, he bought our unborn (unconceived even) child a gift today.
WOW
Well that’s why I named the teddy Faith 🙂
It takes a leap of faith to even think of a future family so I’m really glad I have Rob to take the leap with me

If you must know

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I’m scared 🙁 scared to face people, scared at how I will react to their stupid comments and them expecting me to be over “this thing” by now. I’m scared to be pregnant, scared at the thought I’ll never get to be pregnant again. I’m scared to be happy because of the guilt and scared to be sad because people don’t understand. I’m scared to push my husband away and scared to need him to much. I’m scared to make other people awkward and scared to forget. I’m scared that I won’t lose all this pregnancy weight and scared I will lose it and erase all signs of the pregnancy. I’m scared that I feel to much and scared if I feel to little.
– ahhhhhh! I wish I wasn’t such an over thinker!

I met an angel

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I had coffee with an angel yesterday, no this is nothing like the time I had lunch with a fairy God mother and she showed up with wings and a wand.
In fact I don’t even think “my angel” in her pale blue jeans and thong sandals had any idea of her angelic properties.
I reckon if I called her an angel to her face she would roll her eyes or pull a face, but the truth must be told 🙂
I met her by chance, an acquaintance thought that this woman with three angel babies in heaven could be an understanding shoulder to lean on, but I was not entirely sure she could. How could someone carrying so much pain have room on her shoulder for me to cry on?…
But I reached out – it couldn’t hurt – and turns out I’m glad I did.
For weeks now she has been an important part of my support system, someone I could gauge the “normality” of my reactions on and she gladly offers support despite having a gorgeous, big eyed, giant spirited, one-year-old to run after (her adopted rainbow)
(I have four other mums,who understand the loss of a newborn, I lean on them often, but with two of them having new babies in the house, I’m careful not to unburden on them too much and pull them back to the pain and the other two’s pain is still fresh so I try not to be a nuisance)- The great irony of my life is, meeting these amazing woman and having pain in common.
Anyway I had coffee with an angel yesterday, an angel whose sparkling blue eyes carry both pain and hope. She asked me questions no one else would dare ask, “have I chosen a grave stone?”, “Does visiting his grave bring healing or pain”
We laughed at things others would find inappropriate and fought back tears over each others stories.
She understood my feeling like an outcast and a oddity in the same way she understood my appreciation for my support network and gave validity to some of my darkest thoughts.
And best of all and most heart warming of all, she told me my son was beautiful (I happen to already know that,he he) Even my closest friends prefer to not look at his picture, and here she is, she sees him as my child, with his dads tall frame and mums dark hair, not a sad event in my life, an important part of my life.
And as the angel left she gave me the gift of her friendship and a beautiful painting, she explained it meant “hope for the future”…With her hopes being fulfilled in her little boy she is passing on the baton of hope, and that right there is something only an angel could do.
-I’m very thankful for her and one day I want to be an angel to some one else