Another day without Logan

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Another day of people pointing a questioning finger at my stomach (“weren’t you pregnant the other day”, they laugh, expecting a glowing new mom ready to show off pictures, not a grieving mom, wondering if she can make it through the day)
 Another day of people talking to me, trying hard to ignore the elephant in the room, avoiding the word baby like the plague so as not to upset me (Funny as sometimes all I want with all my heart is to hear his name out loud)
Another day of others trying not to make eye contact (if she doesn’t see me, I don’t have to have an awkward conversation with her)
 Another day of people asking if I’m better now, as if I had a touch of the flu and should have recovered by now.
And yet another day of baby related emails coming through because I can’t figure out how to remove my name from mailing list.
In many ways it’s just another day.
I want my days to be lighter, I want to be naïve again…
I want to believe in happy ever afters, in soul mates, in the beauty of new life and the fact that if you do good,good things will happen.
I can’t believe in happy ever afters when happiness is often so far removed from my day to day, when a heavy heart and a wet cheek is my norm.
I struggle to believe in soul mates when death really does part, that is if divorce doesn’t get there first (My husband means the world to me so believing in marital bliss is paramount)
New life, happy pregnancies and trouble free births seem like a fairytale now and I wish it wasn’t so, I want to believe.
I can’t bring myself to believe that good things happen to good people, too many amazing people are living with so much pain, this one can’t be true, maybe the quote I once read is right…
“Expecting the world to treat you good because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge because you are vegetarian”
— I want to believe in happiness, and maybe one day I will, for now I cling to whatever hope and faith I can, I’m told all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed, so there is hope

How weird is this

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– I often read in the train (that is not the weird part) and before I was rushed to the hospital I got three books from the library (yes people still use libraries) I had finished them and loved each one…Here comes the weird part………
I didn’t think about the books with everything that has happened, but before I took them back yesterday (quite a fine) I skimmed the back page just to remind myself what the books were about and get this (I’m going to try to be vague so I don’t spoil it them for you – the books are from two of my favourite authors, LOVE the wit and emotion)
Well :
– In one of the books a woman has a placenta abruption after 6 months, YES just like I did. That is why I instantly understood the medical terms when the doctor spoke to me, I had heard it all before . . . (I was freaked out while reading this and remember thinking how glad I was things were going well with me-who knew)
– In another one of the books a couple deals with the heartache of pregnancy loss and the possibility of never having children (aaaah who knew)
– Then there was the book about a woman who has to deal with loosing someone very close to her, she goes through periods of feeling like she cant go on like the grief is just too much (At the time I felt sad for her, now I kinda feel sad for me)
How weird is it that I had been reading those books and then suddenly I’m living those books. I don’t often go for sad books, this was really just a coincidence, or maybe it wasn’t, maybe in some little way God was trying to prepare me.

Some things don’t change

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I came across one of my old blog posts today, one where I was about 20 weeks and glowing with happiness, its kinda sad reading it knowing that Logan passed away, but at the same time I find my love for him has not diminished at all and I pray to share a similiar love with future children.
 
 
Can you love someone you have never met? No this is not a religious or a philosophical question and I don’t mean never met like if you were to meet someone online…I’m referring to my still in the making baby.
More and more I find my trepidation towards the whole being a mother thing being replaced with the type of excitement that starts small and builds up and builds up till it has nowhere to go, like when you try to stifle a laugh and it ends up coming out in a sort of snort and draws even more attention to you.
A calming joy that overcomes the most difficult moment or a happiness you just cant contain. That is the kind of love I’m experiencing, I could not be happier if I tried!!! my happiness comes in unexpected bursts, like when Logan (we think -scan was 80% sure- it’s a boy and have decided to name him Logan) kicks or wriggles around in me and it feels like I’m sharing this big secret with a much loved stranger or when I see other parents with their young children and I can’t wait for my own little bundle of joy, I just want to grab him out of my dreams and make him a reality.
Its a kind of  love that has no reason or motivation, is this possible? I’m sure it is because that is how I feel, I’m twice my normal size, my clothes don’t fit, I can’t sleep and I have enough aches and pains to rival the most inventive hypochondriac , but behind it all I smile,I’m happy, I’m content and what makes my happiness grow ten fold is having someone who shares this love with me. I have a husband who dotes over me and just like me can hardly wait to start the next chapter of our lives…
 
 
*picture from layoutsparks.com

Looking for inspiration

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I want to write, really write, stories that take you out of your reality into another world.
I have always loved reading, and could never understand people who didn’t, “Do they know? Do they realise what they are missing? You can take a peek into someone elses world! Who wouldn’t want that?”
I have always wanted to be an author and have started books and short stories but I never seem to finish anything, I’m all inspiration, no motivation.
But suddenly I want to write again, not articles or blog posts, really write…
Wish me luck 🙂

The Bad

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You know you have a problem when the worst thing you can think to do to an enemy is to make them live your life 🙁
I have many blessings, a roof over my head, a job, a loving family, great friends, but those factors are mutually exclusive to my problem.
The problem is I have nightmares most nights, hospitals, blood, grave yards, dead children. Going to sleep has become like switching on a bad movie channel, you don’t know what you are going to get ,but you know you wont like it.
Then there are the physical problems that comes with just having given birth, the discomforts and hormones-NOT A PICNIC when added to the day to day life of not being on maternity leave, its weird to have new mom problems with no new baby 🙁
I just had someone phone to set up a hearing test for Logan, AGAIN! it’s exhausting and hurts and sometimes I dont think Im strong enough for the role I have been cast in!!! I feel like there has been a huge mistake, this cant be my life 🙁
I feel like apologising to God, whatever I did to deserve this, Im SOOO sorry! I did’nt mean it 🙁

I guess I still have a long way to go, THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY

Today  is THE BAD 🙁 I have many Ugly days, but I thank God for the faith that I will see the Good too some day soon