I have blue streaks in my hair, I did it for Logan, which might sound weird,but makes sense to me. I haven’t brushed my hair in ages and was starting to look like Madusa, I tried washing it on Sunday but turns out I am still way too uncomfortable and sore and my hair takes way too long.
So today my mom kinda forced me to get my hair done (she hoped if I looked a bit better I might feel a bit better-you never know hey) I finally agreed to take care of my appearance after she asked me if I thought Logan would be happy to see his mom in this state. I reckoned he wouldn’t be happy and the least I could do was wash my hair.
When I got to salon I noticed they had colour extensions and I figured if I’m doing this for Logan I might as well get a bright blue hair piece because although we didn’t have many things for him, what we do have is blue.
Even though leaving the house makes me nervous and seeing lots of people makes me uncomfortable.
I ended up glad I went though, because some of the women there shared their stories with me (I live in a very small town and many people know about Logan) and it’s amazing how many people have had such hardship in their lives and have come out stronger. That is truly what helps me these days, modern “fairy tales” you know, stories with happy endings.

Anyway I have blue hair, in honour of my pretty boy, don’t think I ever said just how pretty my boy is, he looked rather dark at birth, dark enough for a NICU nurse to comment that with Rob and I both being so pale, you wouldn’t necessarily place him with us, his colour came back to him though and turns out he is really pink and pale, with dark black hair and dark eyebrows-like the baby boy version of snow white-with rosebud lips and the tiniest little sharp nose. At only 26 weeks he was already 32cm tall (a big boy)

My pretty little boy isn’t here anymore but he will always be my pride and joy and even though he is not here to take care of I can look after his parents for now.

A few days after my son died I needed to leave the house…and it was a real eye-opener

Guess what, chocolate desserts still taste good.

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Today I was a little scared to blog about Logan yet again because I didn’t want to make my blog a sad place filled with heartache, but decided that, that was a dumb way too think, from the start this blog has been about what is on my mind and at the moment it’s my perfect little angel, Logan.
I’ll blog about other things too but as I journey to the other side of this overwhelming grief. I have a feeling that ,for now at least, my blog will be about how I’m dealing with all of this, for the basic reason that blogging is part of my healing process (and feeling the way I do, I need all the help I can get) Also if someone doesn’t want to read, they don’t have to.

Anyway…

My friend Cindy gave me the necklace in the picture, on one side it says, “Logan” and the other “too beautiful for earth” and it has become a focus point to channel some of my love to, something tangible I can touch and hold when I miss him the most.
I’ve been visiting countless websites to try and make sense of it all and low and behold I find this poem:

“An angel in the book of life wrote done my baby’s birth, Then whispered as she closed the book…Too beautiful for earth”

So that is what I’m holding onto for now…
I’m hurt, I’m missing my boy, sometimes I feel guilty, other times I’m just sooo sad I can’t think straight, but I’m hopeful for the future and that is SOMETHING, at least I have HOPE
(Also I try to smile at least once a day, just to show Logan, his mom will be ok)

The last few day’s I have been struggling to get out of bed, which is to be expected I just kinda lay there feeling like I can’t breath.
So last night I was struggling to sleep, weird dreams have been keeping me up and other times I can’t even get to sleep.
I woke up early feeling the familiar I can’t breath feeling, like I was suffocating, I woke Robin, like I often do, to get him to tell me we will be okay, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, he did his best to reassure me and I ended up praying again,praying that I could just have a little breathing room just for a few minutes.
I ended up falling asleep again, but first I had this weird feeling of floating like the reverse of the falling feeling you often get in a dream. Then suddenly I was dreaming, I was in hospital room (not the 1 I was in last week, a general ward) my family came to visit and in comes my grandmother (she passed away years ago)
I got out of bed to use bathroom and when I wanted to get back in my gran was in bed asking me what I was doing? She was the one that needed rest. I was puzzled and kept telling her my son was gone and she just kept saying that he was fine, he is doing well.
Then suddenly I was sitting at her feet and she was brushing my hair, telling me that “this wasn’t like me” (have been in pjs for days now, and haven’t brushed my hair since hospital) and that I needed to take care of myself, but I kept saying I didn’t see the point as no one was looking after my son. She told me not to be silly, he was in good hands.
Then suddenly I’m at a party at my parents house. I recognised most of the people including a little baby girl in a pink onesy that I assumed was Robin’s brothers baby,Kamryn (weird since in this dream she was like a month old baby and in real life she is a 3-year-old) at the party someone asked me how my baby was and I broke down saying “he didn’t make it” I went in and one of my aunts was holding the baby I assumed to be Kameryn, I asked if I could hold her because in the dream, like now, I long to hold a baby close and my aunt looked at me and said “I don’t see why not, she’s yours”

FREAKY STUFF HEY-Rob is convinced it’s my gran (who I was always close to, coming to comfort me, tell me Logan is being looked after and that one day I will get my hearts desire of being a mommy)

This morning I feel a little better, I’m still sad and grieving and my mind suddenly wonders to Logan at the most random times, but I feel a leeeetle bit lighter, less like the weight of the world is on my chest pressing down with all it’s might. Which is good because that’s what I prayed for, a moment to feel a little lighter. I know it’s not gonna last forever, but being able to breath for a bit is nice