This blog is pretty candid, its a place I weigh up my (wayyy too many) thoughts and am honest with myself and all the people who read my posts, friend or foe…
Keeping that in mind I thought I'd share my latest dilemma…I find myself at a familiar yet overwhelming place in my life; I find myself (yet again) a control freak with NO,NADA,ZERO control.
Here I stand watching my life unfold, knowing oh to well the impact of pending situations, but with no way to control anything…
On one side of this painful ying yanging symbolism I call my life; I have "the good" I have LIFE quite literally growing inside me… Despite this, fear and uncertainty still haunt me, every ache and pain makes me wonder, "is this it?" Am I going into early labour? Will he survive? Do I get to bring a baby home this time?(Even though the doctor says everything is fine and he could be safely born right now) There is this contrasting side to all this GOOD… This BAD that haunts me and regardless of my feelings relating to the situation I HAVE NO CONTROL! Its not up to me what/when/how! Its just not up to me!
Then on the other side I have death looming, one of the people closest to me, my "other mother" is facing one of the toughest things anyone can imagine…Stage 4 cancer has her staring down her own mortality, but as a true testament to the human spirit she continues to fight…Drs say no but she says yes, we say someday, she says NOW… This is another stark contrast, here BAD stares at us with all it's fury while GOOD still manages to shine through….and yet again regardless of how I feel or what I want I still have NO CONTROL,No one has, it's not up to any of us…
Here are these major things happening that have such a big impact on life as I have know it and guess what, I HAVE NO CONTROL.
It's disheartening and exhausting, but not uncommon. I guess we never really have control, it's just one of those things we need to live with…
Take life one day at a time…one lesson at a time and TRULY (as hard as it may be) let God take the wheel.

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We have been very blessed with gifts and help from family and friends, blown away by the generosity really…
Apart from a shower hosted by my friends at work, I had two others one in PE where we work and most of our friends live and one in UTH where we live along with “my side of the family” and friends from school days 🙂
The party in PE hosted by good friend/fellow blogger and blog contributor, Sal…had a travel theme (that girl is a walking pinterest board) the party was made even more special by fact that Sal really went out of her way despite it being a difficult time for her (nothing like a friend being selfless to make u feel soooo lucky) all the guests at the party really warmed my heart too by braving one of the worst storms in ages to celebrate with me! Seriously we practically had to swim there!
Then 2 weeks ago my family hosted a rainbow themed baby shower for me, in my own garden actually, talk about subtle,hehe…Rob and I rocked up in the middle of them setting up, but it still ended up being great…

THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who are already playing a part in Aidan’s life, I feel soooooooooooo blessed to know you all *hugs*

Added pics, don’t have official ones from Transport party yet, but you get general idea . . .
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So in honour of my birthday…I HAVE A NEW LOOK BLOG!

I won it in a blog competition at www.osoinspired.blogspot.com YEAH ME!

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So it's my birthday again, I started the day out by reading last year's birthday post, Its amazing how much things can change but yet stay the same.

On one hand, I got my wish, I'm pregnant and pretty soon we will be starting our new lives with a bouncing baby boy – he has the bouncing thing down already! Along with uncomfortable stretching and loads of kicks…

On the other hand there's a lot of sadness in our lives as a family, my aunt/Godmother's prognosis is not good at all. The emotions related to it makes me wanna barf! U ever feel so emotional you wanna throw up? That's how I feel…like my body doesn't actually know how to process this information…All these memories of me spending time with my aunt clouds my head, its funny how you don't realise how integral someone is to your life until loss stares you square in the face.

Well that's me today, still keeping the faith even though I'm running low…

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So this past Friday one of my oldest friends, Jemaine, (in how long I know her,not age, we are only 5 days apart) celebrated her birthday with a girls supper at Ocean Basket…Mynie and I don't see each other all that often (we aim for once a month, but you know how that does) but when we catch up we always hit it off like we are back in high school, except we dress much better now!

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Then on Saturday I had a visit from great friends who I have really been missing now that I'm not at work…Liesl,Robyn&Ryan came over for a sort of impromptu potluck brunch … Robyn and Ryan's ridiculously cute twins, Blake(the boy) and Riley(the girl), made me even more excited for Aidan's arrival…here's a weird thing; everytime the twins would giggle Aidan would kick up a fuss,I wonder if you can suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out) before birth?

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Anyway I had a good weekend, and just in time as my body doesn't like standing or sitting or laying down all that much anymore…well 25days to go 😀

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It's my first born son's first birthday today…but there's no him, no 1 to be completely oblivious to whatever theme caught my fancy, no 1 to be freaked out/fascinated by the candle on the cake, no friends or family or gifts to be opened, no party packs or banners, no nervous mom or tired dad, no clean up after toddlers and no exuberant joy… Just memories of our angel, arms that ache to hold him, tear stained pillows and a love that is forever his……Love you Logan Allan Meyers "our forever baby"

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I dedicate Memoriam by Toya Delazy to our boy (do follow the link and listen to the song, powerful stuff) …http://www.toyadelazy.com/music/due-drop

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Exactly a year ago today the above pic was taken, I remember it all so vividly, rob and I in the waiting room trying to act all "respectable" making small talk with the technician when all we wanted was to see our little boy NOW!

Then we finally did and he was soooo cute, little Logan Allan Meyers had us all enthralled, everyone there marveled at this active little ball of energy and we fell in love…then the cramps started…soon I was rushed to hospital and as readers of my blog you know the rest…the next day (shortly after midnight actually) Logan was born, he lived the 6th and part of the 7th and passed away before I got the chance to meet him in person… I can't believe it's been a year already;

a year that made me appreciate friends and family so much more, especially my husband who proved to literally love me to death and back-there's a weird bond that forms when you can see in someone's eyes that your safety is paramount…

A year in which I both hated God and relied on him with all that is within me, a year that I had no faith one day and nothing but faith the next…

A year we lost our son and then were blessed with a miracle (his brother) who we await with baited breath and hearts filled with both fear and joy…

OH WHAT A YEAR!

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