No jingle in my bells

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I’m so emotional lately, I’m like a glass of water two drops away from spilling over, it sucks! I hate feeling this helpless regarding my own emotions. . . Maybe I have a touch of the Holiday Blues I dunno ,I’m working right through and everyone around me is either on holiday or getting ready for holidays so it could be jealousy, or this year is just finally getting to me.
Either way I have been better. I miss the excitement I used to feel this time of the year, by now I would have started making little Christmas gifts for friends and family, I would have baked bought holiday treats and our tree would have been up instead I’m fighting back tears that threaten to come at the drop of a hat, I’m struggling with the heat and when it comes to family I’m currently feeling a like a square peg in a round hole.
Bah Humbug. . . Heres praying I can shake this feeling, SOON

Nine months ago . . .

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9months ago today at 12.05am a beautiful little boy was born.

Just hours before his birth both him and his mother had doctors doubting their survival, her husband/ his father was being prepared to lose them both.

He ignored all negativity and prayed harder than he had ever prayed in his life, against a backdrop of his wife’s eerie calmness, the sight of blood, the sound of heart monitors and doctors averting their eyes from the stares of a family hungry for answers…

Mother and son had both been spared, elation echoed the halls of the hospital, hearts overflowed with gratitude…
 
Until the very next day when the  beautiful little boy passed away, tired from fighting and too small to cope, he left the earth and the arms of a desperate family. Elation was replaced by heart breaking agony…

The mother survived (lucky they say, though she’s not always so sure) moving forward as best she can with a uniquely shaped hole in her heart that can never be filled…

How has it been nine months already?

How has it only been nine months?

(Logan, I carried you for six and a half months, you were here for two days, we will love you forever)

Sudden Sadness

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I’m sad this morning, sad in a “can someone stop this ride called life, I want to get off” kind of way…

I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes this year so maybe my sadness is just exhaustion or it could be pain from this broken heart I’ve been carrying around, all patched up but barely functioning.

My Godmother/aunt/woman who had giant part in raising me ,has been diagnosed with cancer and the symptoms of both the disease and the treatment are getting her down, she’s in hospital where she should be at home,she’s crying out in pain while she should be singing her heart out in choir, she is watching her cancer count while she should be watching food network…being one of the most health conscious people I know it just doesn’t seem fair.

Then there is this pregnancy…how can so much joy be tainted with so much fear, flashbacks to Logan’s death plague my dreams and although I’m confident and faithful while awake every kick reminds me of Logan and subconsciously I fear…
I accidentally called our new baby Logan yesterday and my blood ran cold… I try to tell myself, this is new, this time things will be ok, Logan is gone but our lives go on (as difficult as the road may be we have no choice but to walk it) . . .
 
I guess its one of those days that all I have is a mustard seed, and the drive to watch it grow, I do not want to live in fear instead I want to be the faith my aunt can’t conjure up herself and I want to have my family and my doctors confidence that I will be bringing a little one home,  I want to live with NO FEAR, JUST FAITH I just hope I have the  energy to do so . . . Please keep us in your prayers
 
 

Our weekend in pictures

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So what did I get up to this weekend . . .

Friday: we went to the Uitenhage Street Carnival, it’s an annual event in the town we live in and because my dad does lighting design for the event, I have not missed one year since I was a little girl, many people have contradictory opinions when it comes to the carnival, some believe its a tradition that needs to stay while others believe it’s an outdated nuisance. My opinion is that it’s something fun that signifies the end of the year and the beginning of the festive season. Although I no longer go every day of the 3 days that it is on I would really miss it if they decided to cancel. It’s like a giant street party and apart from the annoying drunk people (many underage)  that seem to plague the event it’s one of those things that I always kind of look forward to . . .

Rob hates pictures and has taken to pulling funny faces whenever I try to snap one

My cousins Kay-lynn, Nicole, (Nicole’s bff) and Caz-lynn

Can’t resist these potato thingies . . .
(wow if I wasn’t pregnant I’d be very concerned about the body shape in this picture)

 

 Saturday:  was spent at a baby shower for my friend Trudy, and her little girl Phoebe…. it was also spent in complete and utter shock from finding out that our little girl is now a little boy *WHAAAAAT* and after we were so sure and so excited. I like to think that God made me think the baby was a girl to spare me some anxiety because like I said before…the thought of having a daughter this time around kept me fairly sane.

 
 
 

 Sunday: We decided to have a picnic type lunch seeing as it was hot as heck indoors….I felt like a beached whale most of the day and something tells me this shall be a continued thing throughout summer, not so fun times

LIVE AND LEARN

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I was chatting to my younger cousin this morning and teasing her that she’s lucky to have me to show her the ropes in life as my own life has been a big bowl of trial and error.
I’ve had so many embarrassing moments in my life I can make myself blush by recalling any number of instances, but I’m not ashamed.
 So what if  I had to learn the hard way that wasabi covered ginger looks a lot like salmon sashimi after a few cocktails,but does NOT taste the same…
that the hairdresser my friend suggested CAN NOT do “ethnic hair” as they think cutting curly hair with a razor is a good idea and that the hairdresser opposite the road is WAY TOO ETHNIC for me as she thinks the more petroleum jelly she uses the better.
 Quite a while ago I learnt that too much wine makes me sleepy and that a tipsy me has no qualms about putting her head down on bar tables and that barmen don’t appreciate it.
I’ve learnt that you need a back-up plan for money when you go abroad as having to ask the fashion editor of a leading magazine for a quick loan when your bank flags your cards as stolen will make you cringe every time  you see their magazine, hear their name . . . think of a bank
I’ve learnt that forgetting to shave your legs means you have to wear tights the whole day even though the sun is out and you look like you come from a strict religious cult on your way to becoming a “sister wife”.
 I’ve learnt that pregnancy can make you very gassy and that gassiness can make your tummy rumble really loudly at the worst times, even during a massage where it WILL interrupt the sounds of the ocean CD.
 I’ve learnt that I don’t always know the lyrics to the songs I choose to belt out.
 I now know that you need to watch your  canned beverage at a braai especially if it looks like the can being used as an ashtray and I’ve learnt that cream-soda does NOT go well with cigarette buds. I’ve learnt that those stick on bra’s can fall off while in the middle of an interview with the head of MAC SA and that it’s hard to keep your composure with silicone breasts floating loosely in your top…
 I’ve learnt so much in my life wayyyyy more than I’ve mentioned and everyday I learn more, that’s the fun thing about life, you don’t know what the day will bring  but as long as you see the lighter side of life you will always have a reason to smile