As I type this I feel my cheeks get warm and I feel nervous with anticipation, how will my readers react? My blog has a fairly big reach, anything more than 50 is big to me,hehehe . . . and many are friends and family members. How will they feel about what I’m about to say? But you know what? it’s not about anyone, but me and Rob. . .so here goes:
I want to be pregnant again! I want to take home a little bundle of joy and I want to hear someone call me mummy.
I feel like I’ve been hiding these emotions for the last few weeks and as a person I’m nothing if not completely honest. . . So yes I want a baby.
Hints in that direction have been met with raised eye brows from many people in my life. I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to smack people with “good intentions” “unintentionally” trying to dictate what I’m supposed to be feeling and how I’m supposed to be acting…
Shocked faces and questions like, “You want to what?”, “Are you emotionally ready?”, “What if something happens again?”, “Are you physically ready”, “Don’t you think it’s too soon to start thinking like this?”, “Have you given yourself enough time to grieve”,”Don’t you think you are rushing this?”, “What if you can’t conceive?” seem to be the order of the day
Well let me answer the questions in order: (Keeping in mind I’m well aware that I don’t owe anyone an explaination, but this blog is my place to vent so here goes)
1. “You want to what?” I want to be a mother and I want to give my husband a child and my parents grand kids
2. “Are you emotionally ready?” Are you? *rolls eyes* Our therapist is very happy with our progress and so are we
3. “You realise it’s a big step?” I am not a 15-year-old on Ricky Lake wanting her 3rd child on welfare, I’m a 27-year-old “journalist”, married to a 30-year-old detective, with enough common sense between us to realise that this is not buying a goldfish
4. “What if something happens again?” We live in faith and choose to believe that our next pregnancy will be fine, it is going to be an extremely tense 9months, but we choose not to live in fear.
5. “Are you physically ready” I almost died on the operating table and I lost a son, there is no way I’m going to play with my health or that of my unborn child. We wouldn’t do anything without the doctors go ahead and I would be closely monitored throughout. That being said, I’ve taken almost every test they could think of and “I’m healthy, there is no reason for this to occur again”
6. “Don’t you think it’s too soon to start thinking like this?” Five months is not long at all, it feels like just the other day I had to say goodbye to Logan, but before then we desperately wanted to be parents and that hasn’t changed
7. “Have you given yourself enough time to grieve” I will probably be grieving for the rest of my life so this is a none question
8. “Don’t you think you are rushing this?” If this year with it’s multiple losses and various forms of heartache has taught me anything it is that, nothing in life is certain, you have to seize the moment. . . besides chances are it will take a while to conceive and sometimes you just have to take the plunge.
9. “What if you can’t conceive?” Then we will look into adoption, the bottom line is we want to be parents, don’t we deserve that privilege?
Well now you know my heart.
It might sound weird that it is taking so much guts for me to type this, but I hate confrontation and hate having my motives questioned, but truth be told I hate going home to a half finished baby room and feeling like something is missing so much more and I also hate having to keep wanting a baby, a secret because I want my “rainbow” to know he/she was wanted and prayed for from the start!
