Some fun cartoons found around the interweb
Category: Funny Funny
Wednesday with Hein even though it’s not Wednesday cos i could not update-flip man!
I missed a day of updating which I hate to do (except on weekends), but my blogger account had other ideas, anywho this is what yesterday would have looked like:
Hein:
Hey there folks out there in the www. Im bored and here are a few
things I have done in situations of boredom.
-try to actually fly on a broom.
-in my mind, audition for idols while in the shower
-create a sock puppet off my foot
-pick a fight with a sock puppet
-get a black eye from fighting with a sock puppet
-create a soapie using office supplies (pens,
stapler,ruler,paperclips…etc) allowing each their own individual
personalities
-count the times TLC say the word ‘scrub’ in No Scrubs…43
-walk around with an umbrella humming Mary Poppins songs
-pee sitting down, no homo!
-look for aliens with binoculars
-eat a variety of spices on dry bread
-hide behind a fat person for as long as I can without getting
caught…half a day till I grew hungry
-make driving noises while actually driving a real car
-blame a dog…for everything
-create my own smiley faces %~, I call it the Picasso smile
-leap frog a frog
-be haunted by a psychotic sock puppet
Remember, never forget…thanx for your time.
Hein Says :
It is said that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit…just like kicking someone in the nuts is still hilarious.
Here is a list of sarcastic sayings to get you by, use ’em dont use ’em (Ag we no you will!)
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
2. Do I look like a friggin’ people person?
3. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!… Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my dogs/cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
14. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
15. Allow me to introduce my selves.
16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
17. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
18. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
19. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
20. Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
21. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
22. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
23. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
24. Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?
25. It ain’t the size, it’s… no, it’s the size.
26. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
27. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
29. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
30. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
31. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
32. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Macho/Feminist Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
37. I plead contemporary insanity.
38. And which dwarf are you?
39. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
40. Meandering to a different drummer.
41. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
(Source-: Creatively annoyed people)
Ask Hein (also available in drunk)
Hey guys!
Someone asked me what is the funniest joke I have ever heard, well I’ve heard alotta funny things in my life but one that stands out is this I read years ago but still cracks me up till this day:
a Preacher while taking a walk on the pier is startled by a young boy yelling out, ‘Damn fish for sale, damn fish for sale!’ He decides to approach the lad about his foul language usage whereupon the boy kindly explains that he is not cursing but rather that the fish were caught in a dam, hence they are dam fish. After an apology and a good laugh the preacher supports the young lad’s business by purchasing 3 bags of fish to take home to his wife. As he got home he yelled from the door to his loving wife that he has some dam fish he would like her to prepare. His wife gasped from the kitchen and asked why he, a man of the Word, would use such profanity unbecoming of his nature and image. The preacher had to then explain to his wife that because of where the young boy caught them they are refered to as dam fish. His wife gave a big smiling sigh of relief and immediately begun preparing the fish.
Later that night at dinner, the preacher his wife, son and daughter were all seated around the table when the preacher asked his son to pass the dam fish when his son excitedly jumped up and yelled, ”That’s the spirit dad, pass the f*cking potatoes!!!”
Ask Hein
Hey folks!
Miss me..me neither… anywho here are this weeks unanswereable questions.
Why are there no size “B” batteries ?
Why are they called apartments when they are units all together ?
Why is an army called an infantry if you have to be over 18 to get in?
Isn’t it scarry that a doctor’s office is called a practice?
Why can’t you tickle yourself (but others can) ?
Why are carrots not called oranges, as they are more orange than oranges?
Why are builders afraid of a 13th floor, but publishers not afraid of a chapter 11?
Why is it called a rainbow, it’s not a bow on top of rain. Why not rain prisim?
If a seagull flew over the bay, would it be called a bagel ?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf ?
If superman can’t be hurt by bullets, why does he duck when they throw the gun?
What is the speed of Dark ?
Did the early settlers go camping ?
Can race car drivers deduct speeding tickets ?
If a fly didnt have wings, would it be called a walk ?
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck ?
Can an ambidextrious person make an off hand remark ?
Do you feed a boogie fever ?
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons ?
Why don’t they invent a cordless extension cord ?
Why is it when driving and looking for an address, we turn down the radio ?
Why do people remember where they were when someone famous was killed ? (Do
they have to prove an alibi?)
Does condensed milk comes from smaller cows ?
If a turtle loses its shell, is it considered naked or homeless ?
Why did the chicken really cross the road ?
Why does an alarm clock go off, by going on ?
If a vampire cannot see its reflection, how is their hair always so neat ?
Why is cheese so secret that we must shred it ?
When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose ?
What do they use to ship styrofoam ?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it ?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?
Can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his peg leg and counting the rings?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms ?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job ?
What is another word for thesaurus ?
Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag and put garments in a suitcase?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism ?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap ?
Can fat people go Skinny Dipping ?
How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign?
Is it possible to have a civil war ?
Why do they call it a TV Set, when there is only one ?
What happens if you get scared 1/2 to death twice ?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to ?
Ask Hein (Dating: Parental guidance is advised)
Hein Says:
Good grief I’m glad I’m happily married, dating is a bitch…the awkwardness of meeting, the awkwardness of getting to know each other, the awkwardness of that first kiss…it was very awkward.
I could never flirt, I prefered the lady who would say yes to me if I handed her a napkin drawing of two stick figures holding hands…granted the male figure was distinguished by a his huge penis which was drawn so big it had to overlap onto a second napkin…it left little to be said but said alot.
Here are a few questions I accidentally stumbled upon on a dating site that I thought I’d answer IF set up on a hypothetical first date but here my intention is NOT to succeed…yep Im pretty much just gonna be myself.
-What do you do for work?
I work at a rubber manufacturing company, not like condoms or anything but I do have condoms for later -wink- Oh by the way what is your name again?
-Where are you from?
Malmek…I love cats.
-What is the one thing about yourself you would like me to know?
(draws 2 stick figures on napkin…)
-What are you looking for in a relationship?
Im easy to please, I lost a very funky yo-yo when I was younger and if I could find that in a relationship I would be ecstatic.
-What do you think is the most important value in a relationship?
Faking interest, really keeps things going. Learning how to listen without falling asleep is an art.
-Do you want to marry or have you ever been married before?
Yes I am but only in Vegas
-What do you look for in a wife?
She must be able to take a punch, not bruise easily and/or be a slow bleeder.
-Do you want/have any children?
Yeah sure, y not? (grin excitedly) That does involve intercourse first right?
-Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes I do, I fell in love with a few girls like that peeping through their windows.
-What is your favourite month of the year and why?
I dont really mind, put on a light and they all come fluttering in anyway…oh you said month…
-If you were an animal in the wild what would you be?
Wild
-Do you believe the cup is half empty or half full? Are you an optimist or pessimist?
Always filled, liquor stores are never far off so optimistic.
-What do you do for fun?
Drink till I pass out in my own vomit with my pants inexplicably at my ankles…the fun part is trying to remember why, twice now it involved the police and Charlie Sheen motivational tweets.
-Is sexual compatibillity important to you?
Different strokes for different folks…just a few strokes for me tho.
-Are there any causes u believe in or stand for?
Uhm…yes…because
-Do you find yourself prejudiced or biased in any specific area?
Not really, I can be biased or prejudiced anywhere.
Good thing Im married right?
Have a great Easter weekend everybody!!!
*picture from www.gloryhousecatering.com
