Hein asks

Ola friends and followers, today I came accross a list of questions that even I cannot answer. Some odd, some funny, some silly but all of them enjoyable. :~)

Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?

At a movie theater which arm rest is
yours?

What is Satan’s last name?

Why do doctors leave the room when
you change? They’re going to see you
naked anyway.

Where does the toetag go on a dead
person if they don’t have toes?

If you dug a hole through the center of
the earth,and jumped in, would you
stay at the center because of gravity?

If a person dies and then springs back
to life, do they get their money back
for the coffin?

If you are asked to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth
and your the main witness, what if you
say “no”?

Do they bury people with their braces
on?

How far east can you go before you’re
heading west?

How does a Real Estate company sell
its office without causing confusion?

Do dentists go to other dentists or do
they just do it themselves?

Why do people think that swaying
their arm back and forth would change
the direction of a bowling ball?

If pro and con are opposites, wouldn’t
the opposite of progress be congress?

Why does grape flavor smell the way it
is when actual grapes don’t taste or
smell anything like it.

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap
time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?

Why is the Lone Ranger called ‘Lone’ if
he always has his Indian friend Tonto
with him?

When does it stop being partly cloudy
and start being partly sunny?

Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

If a baby’s leg pops out at 11:59PM but
his head doesn’t come out until 12:01,
which day was he born on?

Is there a time limit on fortune cookie
predictions?

Since bread is square, then why is
sandwich meat round?

Do they have the word “dictionary” in
the dictionary?

Can you daydream at night?

Why is it that on a phone or calculator
the number five has a little dot on it?(I have always wondered coz my phone does hey)
Can crop circles be square?

If ghosts can walk through walls and
glide down stairs, why don’t they fall
through the floor?

Is it legal to travel down a road in
reverse, as long as your following the
direction of the traffic?

When Atheists go to court, do they
have to swear on the bible?

Why is vanilla ice cream white when
vanilla extract is brown?

What do you do when you see an
endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?

If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack
while doing surgery, would the other
doctors work on the doctor or the
patient?

How can something be “new” and
“improved”? if it’s new, what was it
improving on?

Why aren’t drapes double sided so it
looks nice on the inside and outside of
your home?

When two people marry, they say,
“you may kiss the bride”. What do they
say if two MEN get married?

Why is it that when we “skate on thin
ice”, we can “get in hot water”?

Why do people say beans beans the
magical fruit when beans are
vegetables?

If laughter is the best medicine, who’s
the idiot who said they ‘died
laughing’?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then
why do banks have branches?

Why are the little styrofoam pieces
called peanuts?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs?
Rabbits don’t lay eggs.

Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or
two tickets when they go to movies
and concerts?

Why does caregiver and caretaker
mean the same thing?

Can a short person “talk down” to a
taller person?

If a bald person works as a chef at a
restaurant, do they have to wear a
hairnet?

If milk goes bad if not refrigerated,
does it go bad if the cow isnt
refrigerated?

How fast do hotcakes sell?

Do prison buses have emergency
exits?

Do astronauts change their clocks
when they move over different time
zones in space?

I Asked Hein

So my friend Hein has been answering some “interesting” questions on the
blog for the last couple of weeks and this time I decided to ask a few
questions of my own. (very random)

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?I am the eldest child in my family so no I was the first to be named

WHICH SUPER HERO DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?Initially like all geeks who grew up in the 80’s I idolised Superman but
lying in the driveway with a sprained ankle, towel around my neck and
undies over my pants I realized I can never actually be him. I was
18 at the time.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH?Between 1 and 2pm, didn,t realize there are others.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?One yes. Riley the magnificent boy wonder. My wife and I made him.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?All my friends say yes I would (this a verrry clever answer, take your
time…)

DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
Nah I prefer swearing, much less confusing, simple, direct and more
fuc%@&$ effective

WHAT IS THE MOST ADVENTUROUS THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?Swear my mother…silently…while walking away.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?Jack The Ripper because to this day he has never been caught, his
identity remains a mystery ,and he had class and precision in his
killing style…oh u mean porridge…ohhhkayy uhm… Jungle Oats?

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?No I stare at them till they willfully cowar off my feet.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?See previous answer

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNACK?Popcorn for sure…otherwise popcorn even when Im not sure

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ?If they are not alien; an alien will not know the basics of being human
like walking using one foot in front of the other, using your mouth to
talk or breathing oxygen…be on the lookout for human-looking like
creatures who hop on one leg, talk with their minds and breath farts,
chances are its an alien.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?I can be very indecisive…no wait…I’m not sure…. yes, yes
indecisive it is

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE ?What’s with all these food question?? Ok I’m fat yes, now can we get on
with it?

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?I dunno but it’s going pshhhhhhhhht click click click pffffff
pshhhhhhhhht…

IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?Blue, no red, no wait black…no wait…am I able to question my own
existence as a crayon?

FAVORITE SMELLS?I don’t know, who is he? (only to be understood in a South African
context where we have people named Patience, Holy, Gift, Prominent
etc.)

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?My mom, she foned me from hospital, just admitted. After work I intend
to go straight to her house and jump on the beds, put my feet on the
coffee table, drink juice out the container and chew with my mouth open.
One must seize every oppertunity given.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?In recent times soccer, at school it was Netball lying on our tummys on
the grass next to the court by the hoop. This made me somewhat of an
expert in women’s lingerie.

FAVORITE FOOD?Next question please!

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?I love a good scary movie with a happy ending but hey wouldnt a happy
movie with a scary ending be cool? Like its all tralalalala good times
and then wham! a bus hits all the characters dead unexpectedly.
Hahahaha…

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?Busty Blondes 3

SUMMER OR WINTER?Global Warming wins

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?Facebook

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?My mouse and aromat from where I ate popcorn

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?Busty Blondes 3

FAVORITE SOUND?Pshhhhhhhht click click click pfffft pshhhhhht

WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?Guateng but once I was so high I nearly fell off the Mars

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?Looking for k*k, I dont even have to try

WHAT TALENT DO YOU WISH YOU HAD?To read people like a mentalist, books are so 19th century

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?Contrary to popular belief, not under a rock

Ask Hein

Fanged up wants to know:
Was Dracula a myth?
Hein:
Actually no Im pretty sure he was a mithterl

N Glish asks:
Whats the difference between retrospect and hindsight?
Hein:
Retrospect is mental reflection on the past while hindsight is a proctologist’s view…sometimes shiny enough it reflects

Gean Eius asks:
Did you know that Albert Einstein only wore one outfit every day and had multiples of that same outfit so he never used to waste time deciding what to wear?
Hein:
Yes, a fashionista’s worst nightmare, seems like he didnt bother with his hair much either, just sick his finger in an electric socket and his good to go…shocking. Then again his brain was so unique his looks didnt really have to count

F Y I says:
Did you know that the earthquake in Japan shifted the globe 8cm off its axis?
Hein:
Wow that is alot actually…Im definately using that as an excuse next time Im running late.

Seriously thou, let us spare a thought for the Japanese, we in SA are so fortunate that we would never know what an earthquake feels like…we are blessed with few natural disaster but cursed with an abundance of natural idiots.

Ask Hein

Here are the latest queries for Hein to clarify 🙂

Befuddles asks:My wife and I have constant arguments and frankly Im getting tired of the fighting, how do I win?
Hein:
Haha well in my experience there will always be arguments thou its not about winning or losing but more if u grow from it.
Having said that I would also like to add that, from experience, men argue; women win!

Phil Losofer asks:Is it true that we think therefore we are?
Hein:
I dont think so coz with my short attention span I should have evaporated out of existance a long time ago.

Limbless wants to know:If time heals all wounds how long does it take to regrow an amputated limb?
Hein:
Approximately 425years, give or take a decade…if you dont believe me then you wait and see.

Ann Gree asks:How does one properly get rid of blood stains on carpets, beds, curtains and car upholstry ?
Hein:
Lady sounds to me the blood stains are the very least of your problems.

Ask Hein

So Ask Hein is late today because I’m a dufus, I could nt access my email on my phone, it only occured to me now that I could check on the PC, #SMH shame on me.
Here is Hein:

Monday writes:Why do people hate me? They speak ill of me when I come around and
never want to perform when I’m upon them. I dont mean to sound jealous
but what makes Friday so special to get all the praise. Also for the
life of me Im not blue! That’s daysism!
Hein:
I dont know what to say, maybe you should go talk to Tuesday, she is
the sensible one.

SoberDoesIt asks:Did you hear, the price of booze and smokes are going up, again? Im so
glad I quit drinking and smoking years ago.
Hein:
Yes I heard sin tax is up again and I also hope u die a slow death
from a rabid dog bite to the groin then u having quit all those things
would have been pointless.

HearMeOut! writes:It is the second time now that Gareth Cliff has cut me off his radio
show in mid sentence. Frankly I find him rude, offensive and…
Hein:
Sorry, I didny finish reading your mail…twice

Ask Hein! (aLs0 AvaILaBlE tYpEd lIKe ThIs)

Curious asks:
Who came first? The chicken or the egg?
Hein:
If they both went to the Grammy Awards then Lady Gaga…didnt see a chicken

Dogmaster wonders:
They say you cant teach an old dog new tricks but my dog wont even
remember the old tricks I taught him…think its time to put him down?
Hein:
Well carrying him around sure doenst help him to achieve much anyway.
Yes put him down and try again.

Strangled asks:
Is it possible for a person to strangle themselves dead?
Hein:
Try it then let me know how it goes.

Hofmeyer writes:
I am a popular afrikaans singer and recently I have attempted to boost
my notariety by fabricating tension between myself and international
superstar Bono, frontman for the band U2…do you think I perhaps try
to hard?
Hein:
Oh no, not at all, ur doing great as a natural idiot. Very
entertaining. As u were.
Thou next time try messing with someone who has actually heard of u.

M Ployee wants to know:
Why call it permanent employment when one is vulnerable to being laid
off or even fired at any given time?
Hein:
I agree with you, its like claiming to be immortal but getting your
head chopped off kills you forever.

Juliaheart writes:
I recently read the book and watched the movie Eat Pray Love of Julia
Roberts and also wish to go on a romantic soulsearching journey around
the world. Only problem is my bastard of a husband is still
alive…will it work if I make it look like an accident?
Hein:
No, your journey will be entitled Arrest Incarceration Execution

B. Mars writes:
I caught a grenade for her, lost both my hands, got 3rd degree burns
all over my chest and my face is horribly disfigured…she left me
saying she would never have done the same.
Hein:
She left coz your amazing… just the way you were.