Category: chat

Sad night but holding on for a bright morning

Leave a comment

 
 
I’m not over it…Even though months have past, I’m pregnant again and people are no longer scared to make eye contact with me. Many good and many awful things have happened to capture my attention…BUT, I’m not over it:

I still have nightmares, I still see his fragile little body fighting for survival and I still long and yearn to hold him just one time…I still wonder if he felt loved in his short life, did the sterile NICU make him feel abandoned or cast aside, or could he sense the loving eyes blinking back tears as they watched him?

Being pregnant  doesn’t make things “okay now” I’m still scared, there is such a familiarity in carrying his brother (for those who don’t know, our little girl turned out to be a little boy) and with the weeks steadily marching on leaving us less than 4 weeks away from the gestational age we lost Logan at, I pray that the familiarity never goes THAT far, I don’t want to lose another child…

It’s festive season and there is so much joy in the air…and so little of if seems reserved for my family , my aunt is still very sick, my sister spends half her holiday with doctors and the other half with the police (following the attack) Rob and I are working right through (well mostly) while trying to avoid all the happy new families that seem to have come out of the woodwork.
 
 There is no tree this year…we planned on getting a big one for Logan but now there seems to be no point, All the gifts I’m wrapping are for “other” peoples kids while every joyful laugh is for another mothers ear and every tear that falls is for another mother to wipe…

I don’t mean to sound like the Grinch’s less green but equally bitter sister, but this year has taken its toll on me and all I need is a nap, until about 23.59 on new years eve…

(Please note, I’m ok, sometimes I just need to vent, beat my chest or host a little pity party for one, today is one of those days, but joy comes in the morning, IT ALWAYS DOES)




Picture: ashley-annmoyer.blogspot.com

No jingle in my bells

Leave a comment

I’m so emotional lately, I’m like a glass of water two drops away from spilling over, it sucks! I hate feeling this helpless regarding my own emotions. . . Maybe I have a touch of the Holiday Blues I dunno ,I’m working right through and everyone around me is either on holiday or getting ready for holidays so it could be jealousy, or this year is just finally getting to me.
Either way I have been better. I miss the excitement I used to feel this time of the year, by now I would have started making little Christmas gifts for friends and family, I would have baked bought holiday treats and our tree would have been up instead I’m fighting back tears that threaten to come at the drop of a hat, I’m struggling with the heat and when it comes to family I’m currently feeling a like a square peg in a round hole.
Bah Humbug. . . Heres praying I can shake this feeling, SOON

LIVE AND LEARN

Leave a comment

I was chatting to my younger cousin this morning and teasing her that she’s lucky to have me to show her the ropes in life as my own life has been a big bowl of trial and error.
I’ve had so many embarrassing moments in my life I can make myself blush by recalling any number of instances, but I’m not ashamed.
 So what if  I had to learn the hard way that wasabi covered ginger looks a lot like salmon sashimi after a few cocktails,but does NOT taste the same…
that the hairdresser my friend suggested CAN NOT do “ethnic hair” as they think cutting curly hair with a razor is a good idea and that the hairdresser opposite the road is WAY TOO ETHNIC for me as she thinks the more petroleum jelly she uses the better.
 Quite a while ago I learnt that too much wine makes me sleepy and that a tipsy me has no qualms about putting her head down on bar tables and that barmen don’t appreciate it.
I’ve learnt that you need a back-up plan for money when you go abroad as having to ask the fashion editor of a leading magazine for a quick loan when your bank flags your cards as stolen will make you cringe every time  you see their magazine, hear their name . . . think of a bank
I’ve learnt that forgetting to shave your legs means you have to wear tights the whole day even though the sun is out and you look like you come from a strict religious cult on your way to becoming a “sister wife”.
 I’ve learnt that pregnancy can make you very gassy and that gassiness can make your tummy rumble really loudly at the worst times, even during a massage where it WILL interrupt the sounds of the ocean CD.
 I’ve learnt that I don’t always know the lyrics to the songs I choose to belt out.
 I now know that you need to watch your  canned beverage at a braai especially if it looks like the can being used as an ashtray and I’ve learnt that cream-soda does NOT go well with cigarette buds. I’ve learnt that those stick on bra’s can fall off while in the middle of an interview with the head of MAC SA and that it’s hard to keep your composure with silicone breasts floating loosely in your top…
 I’ve learnt so much in my life wayyyyy more than I’ve mentioned and everyday I learn more, that’s the fun thing about life, you don’t know what the day will bring  but as long as you see the lighter side of life you will always have a reason to smile

Not too old to be bullied

Leave a comment

So it occurs to me, at almost 30-years-old, that I’m still allowing myself to be bullied *SHOCK HORROR* I grew up a pretty scrawny nerdy kid who ticked all the boxes to be ideal bully fodder, with my nose permanently in a book, my accent apparently offensive to many and boys not exactly banging down my door, I had my fair share of hugging tear stained pillows while listening to sad songs…

When I “came into my own” I realised a sharp tongue was great armour and any insult was countered with a witty retort, people stopped “bullying” me and best of all I had enough friends who “got me” so if there was bullying of any kind I wouldn’t notice it  anyway…

So how do I find myself in this position so late in life? How am I, a grown-ass woman, finding myself being hurt by words and having to beg my dad and husband not to make any calls on my behalf?

Well, my mother has always said that words only really hurt when you yourself believe them to be true, she meant that being referred to as an outsider at 13 only hurt because I felt like such an outsider…

Same can be said for now, the person in question, a “family member” constantly hurls insults regarding my weight. I swear no conversation is complete without my weight and height being brought up, you know  how I’m a short fat woman who gets fatter everyday…I’m starting to think that this stings because I’ve always taken pride in my appearance and (not counting the bump) I’ve become a bit of a teapot lately (short and stout) she must sense this and seems to feed on me squirming…

Then there are the comments referring to Logan’s death and insinuations that I was careless and somehow caused pregnancy complications….see here for complete list of insinuations…

Then there are references to the baby I’m carrying now, passing away. “If it happens again” , “When it happens again” , “If you’re not careful, it could happen again”…

Comments regarding my kids sting the most…Logan and Rainbow mean the world and it kills me to be seen viewed as somehow at fault for not keeping them safe…If my mom’s theory is correct, my guilt about “not keeping Logan safe” fuels the pain and hurt I feel.

Then there are the comments about us not caring and never visiting (even though the person in question has only visited twice this year,both funeral related) this brings up guilt because even though we visit “like family should” I don’t feel bad about missing visits…it’s easier to avoid conflict I think…

There are other comments that make me feel emotionally bullied but these are the ones at the top of me head…

ANYWAY, this blog post is a way of me taking back the power, I refuse to have someone belittle me, I have always believed you teach people how to treat you and I’d be damned if I ever let people think treating me like dirt is OK…

So step 1…I’m admitting there’s a problem

     step 2…I’m taking back the power

      step 3…I’m making up the rest of the steps as I go along, wish me luck… 
 
*picture from spanishdict.com

Every step counts

Leave a comment

So yesterday a newbie at the office was commenting on the fact that I have worked in almost every department in this building and asked what it was that I ultimately wanted to do with my life. Then it hit me- kind of like the bottle of water I knocked off a shelf a few minutes ago that knocked me in the chest- it hit me that I don’t actually know, I have these pipe dreams of being a stay-at-home mom come author/photographer/blogger , but it’s not really realistic, it’s just one of those “wouldn’t it be nice” dreams… This year marks 10 years since High School and I’ve done OK for myself, I have the career, the home (albeit rental), car, husband and baby on the way. I have great friends and amazing family so I’m quite lucky in most respects then I wonder in the words of Britney Spears (I’m quoting Britney *shoot me*) “If there’s nothing missing in my life. Then why do these tears come at night?”

My friend reminded me that it’s been a tough year, no time for contemplation and Zen like stock taking, my plans had been derailed but with time I’ll find “my plan” again and start working towards it. I decided to go with that idea, its okay that -for the first time I can remember- there is no plan I’m working towards, that “keeping it together” has become a full time job…I’m many ways I’m still in mourning (for Logan, for friends for family), I’m still worrying about loved onesgoing through tough times and I’m still coming to terms with my life not being at all like it was supposed to be right about now, there is no bundle of joy waiting for me at home and my godmother who has always been such a powerful fixture in my life is very ill, meanwhile I’m trying to find my place when it comes to friendship circles L

No this is not a pity party! just me saying; it’s OK Eleanor, it’s OK not to know what you want to do with tomorrow, it’s fine that you are just barely coping with today. My gran had a saying in Afrikaans “Klim in en ry, die pad sal ons reg skud” roughly translated “Get in and ride, the road will knock us into place” —  which she explained to mean “do what you can God will take care of the rest”.

So I might not know the big picture right now, but I’m doing what I can…happy Tuesday

 

Killing me with “kindness”

2 Comments
 
 
This is fair warning that I’m slowly starting to get annoyed and that if it wasn’t for my daily affirmations you might see me on the cover of a tabloid with an intro that reads something like “Fed-up bereaved mother been found guilty of killing ‘well wishers’ with household items”

The reason for my murderous rampage would probably stem from “well wishers” insinuating that I have somehow brought Logan’s death on myself.

I swear if one more person tells me to “look after myself THIS TIME”, “not to fall back into my old habits”, “look after THIS one” I am going to FLIP.

What on earth do people think I got up to while pregnant with Logan? Drunken binges followed by bungee jumping? I still miss him so much it hurts! how dare you insinuate that I didn’t do my very best to keep him safe!

Other people may think I’m being sensitive,but with all the emotional turmoil that comes with neonatal death I personally think I have every right to be annoyed. When people tell me things like:

 – “Stop prancing around in your high heels-you saw what happened last time” (What the heck do heels have to do with anything, besides I was too swollen to wear heels last time and I wear heels like once a week this time-flats are just easier right now)
– “Dress warmer or do you want history to repeat itself” (As far as I remember I did not freeze Logan to death!!!)
– “Why would you wear black again, it’s bad luck, you saw what happened” (The colour of your clothes has no effect on the viability of a pregnancy, you are bad luck, GO AWAY)
– “Hope you are not running around like you did last time, that could have easily caused the problems” (Are you stupid? I spent all my time at work or in bed with my legs elevated? Run around? I couldn’t if I wanted to! – That aside blaming an active lifestyle for a child’s death is STUPID)
 
Those are just some of the comments I get! makes me think people are stupid and just like to hear themselves speak! Here is what happened to me:

I had  A placental abruption which is a serious condition in which the placenta partially or completely separates from your uterus before your baby’s born.

The condition can deprive your baby of oxygen and nutrients, and cause severe bleeding that can be dangerous to you both. A placental abruption also increases the risk that your baby will have growth problems (if the abruption is small and goes unnoticed), be born prematurely, or be stillborn.
Placental abruption happens in about one in 150 pregnancies. It’s most common in the third trimester but can happen any time after 20 weeks.

I DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS AND DO NOT APPRECIATE INSINUATIONS TO THE CONTRARY!!!
Okay, vent over, I know most people are just trying to help, and everyone has a foot in mouth incident now and again (I have too, oh so many times) but hopefully at least one person who stumbles across this post will think twice before giving others “advice” that hurts more than it helps