Category: faith

Sudden Sadness

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I’m sad this morning, sad in a “can someone stop this ride called life, I want to get off” kind of way…

I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes this year so maybe my sadness is just exhaustion or it could be pain from this broken heart I’ve been carrying around, all patched up but barely functioning.

My Godmother/aunt/woman who had giant part in raising me ,has been diagnosed with cancer and the symptoms of both the disease and the treatment are getting her down, she’s in hospital where she should be at home,she’s crying out in pain while she should be singing her heart out in choir, she is watching her cancer count while she should be watching food network…being one of the most health conscious people I know it just doesn’t seem fair.

Then there is this pregnancy…how can so much joy be tainted with so much fear, flashbacks to Logan’s death plague my dreams and although I’m confident and faithful while awake every kick reminds me of Logan and subconsciously I fear…
I accidentally called our new baby Logan yesterday and my blood ran cold… I try to tell myself, this is new, this time things will be ok, Logan is gone but our lives go on (as difficult as the road may be we have no choice but to walk it) . . .
 
I guess its one of those days that all I have is a mustard seed, and the drive to watch it grow, I do not want to live in fear instead I want to be the faith my aunt can’t conjure up herself and I want to have my family and my doctors confidence that I will be bringing a little one home,  I want to live with NO FEAR, JUST FAITH I just hope I have the  energy to do so . . . Please keep us in your prayers
 
 

Do you believe in dreams?

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25facts.com

 
A friend mentioned to me this morning that I’m so blessed to have God speak to me in dreams, I never thought of it like that, I know that I have pretty vivid dreams but recently they seem to have a link to my life (or I like to think they do)
 
Like about two weeks ago I dreamt that I only had 10days left with Rob before he died, so we were making this list of things to do before he had to go, a bucket list of sorts.  The next morning I told him about the dream and he calculated that 10 days referred to day he would be travelling back home from a ceremony in Pretoria.
This freaked him out a bit and we started praying vigilantly, a friend of his actually backed out of trip because of bad feeling. So yesterday, DAY 10, they travel back and low and behold, they are involved in an accident, a piece of lumber fell of a truck ahead of them hitting the taxi they were travelling in, it was a very close call, but no one was hurt! The vehicle was damaged and they added a couple of hours to their trip but that’s it…. I like to think God was telling us to watch out J

Then last night I dream of our baby, this busy little girl with her mother’s talent of turning a clean room into chaos in seconds, she had dark hair and a round face and somehow I just recognized her, this is such a different experience from when I was pregnant with Logan, I dreamt of him as a young man of about 20 and never in the dream could I see his face (pretty sure I blogged about it then) I kept trying to see him but never could, he just walked away surrounded by all these kids that were looking up to him and I remember telling my mom the next morning that he looked like such “a nice person” someone I could be proud of…. How weird and different is that…. I like to think last nights dream means that we will be able to watch our baby grow up. J
 
I know you could say I’m looking into things that don’t exist and that my dreams are all a coincidence but I prefer to think of it as a Godincidence!

A song that “gets me”

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Every now and again you find a song that really touches you, not the club anthems where you just like the beat and feel like a good boody shake, I’m talking about a song where you listen to the lyrics and you are like, “uhm how did the song writer get in my head just there” like in the words of the classic song by Roberta Flack (redone by Fugees) Killing Me Softly, “I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.”
You sit in awe of how the singer/writer GETS IT! well with all the emotional upheaval I’ve been through this year I found just such a song, a song that speaks to my soul and reminds me that God has been looking out for me, every time I have fallen he has been ready to pick me up.
I believe that trusting in God doesn’t give you a free pass when it comes to bad things happening in your life, but it does gives you one heck of a strong anchor when the storms of life rage. The song All This Time, by Britt Nicole, highlights that for me go HERE for the video

All This Time lyrics
I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That’s when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cried
‘Til today’s sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time
Oh, Oh Oh, Oh, Oh
You’ve been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day
It’s been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You’re for me
And You’re restoring

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You’re the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story——

All this time
From the first tear cry
Til today’s sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time
Ooooooooh
You’ve been walking with me all this time

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I’m not the same me
And that’s all the proof I need
I felt love, I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day

Ooooooooh
You’ve been walking with me all this time

All this time
From the first tear cry
Till today’s sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time

Ever since the first tear cry
It was You, You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time
Ever since the first tear cry
It was You, You and I
You’ve been walking with me all this time

When all you can do is pray

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My world needs a hug, you know how everyone has “their world” like everyone is in a different “sitcom” which dictates how they view the world like on Friends, Joey was one of the click and on the show Joey he was the main guy? am I making any sense?
 
When I say my world, I mean ppl I care for, those I see/speak to/interact with most. “My loved ones” Well these people, the ones that mean most to me in the world, so many of them are in pain and it breaks my heart.
 
Death, separation, unemployment,abuse,depression,financial problems,illness it’s like the bad news fairy dumped a whole lot of fairy dust in our direction and it’s not the badaboom, “your pumpkin is a car, go off and dance with a Prince” kind of dust,its badaboom “your hopes and dreams have been shattered kind of dust”.
 
My dad was saying the other day I’m worse than the evening news, I never have “great news” anymore, there is no, So and So is so happy, so and so is getting married or doing so great . . . (there are obviously things like that, a few couples I know are engaged, others have just become parents, there is good but bad has a tendency to overshadow that)
 
My faith has never been tested quite like this, I’m sure most people will agree it really sucks when there is nothing you can do for those you love, there’s no magic pill to cure heartache there are no words than can comfort real despair. There’s nothing I can do, except be there for them and give the prayers of my heart over to the Lord, sometimes it’s just so hard to remember, “He’s got this” God is in control, we just need to trust him. . .
 
 

My tattoo + prayer request

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So I have a tattoo now. . .  I never thought I’d get one, not because I have anything against tattoos, I just didn’t have anything I felt so strongly about, I’d etch it into my skin forever. When I was younger I toyed with the idea of getting a music note, I like music notes and since singing is such a big part of who me, it felt right, but then I never got around to it.

Then Logan died and ever since I’ve yearned for a way to have some sort of tangible memento of him, something that couldn’t be taken away like he was…that’s where the tattoo came in. I had a couple of design ideas and never knew what exactly I wanted, but then it hit me, his name (If you look back on my blog, he had that name from the very beginning) everyone knows it and it feels “right” to have it displayed so proudly – on my wrist. I also opted for a butterfly because that is what he is to me, My little butterfly, I had him in the cocoon of my womb and before I could catch him he had flown out of my reach. and it just so happens that every time I really miss him especially at his grave, butterflies will visit and it warms my heart to have this as a “connection with him” – well aware that people might think I’m reading way more into butterfly thing than there is, but I like to think of it as a God’incodence (phrase used by my friend, Leisl) Anyway I had it done in Uth at Tattoo Junkie and it was far less painful than I expected and I would recommend the owner, Ryan to anyone.
PS. I have a prayer request for all of you faithful people out there, two amazing women I know need divine intervention right now, one is battling with life threatening health problems and the other lost her baby just the other day. I don’t want to divulge anymore because it’s really not my place, but I have always believed in Mathew 18:20 “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I in the midst of them” so I believe the more people pray for them the better. So please say a silent prayer for them, God knows who I mean
HAPPY TUESDAY