Today I was a little scared to blog about Logan yet again because I didn’t want to make my blog a sad place filled with heartache, but decided that, that was a dumb way too think, from the start this blog has been about what is on my mind and at the moment it’s my perfect little angel, Logan.
I’ll blog about other things too but as I journey to the other side of this overwhelming grief. I have a feeling that ,for now at least, my blog will be about how I’m dealing with all of this, for the basic reason that blogging is part of my healing process (and feeling the way I do, I need all the help I can get) Also if someone doesn’t want to read, they don’t have to.

Anyway…

My friend Cindy gave me the necklace in the picture, on one side it says, “Logan” and the other “too beautiful for earth” and it has become a focus point to channel some of my love to, something tangible I can touch and hold when I miss him the most.
I’ve been visiting countless websites to try and make sense of it all and low and behold I find this poem:

“An angel in the book of life wrote done my baby’s birth, Then whispered as she closed the book…Too beautiful for earth”

So that is what I’m holding onto for now…
I’m hurt, I’m missing my boy, sometimes I feel guilty, other times I’m just sooo sad I can’t think straight, but I’m hopeful for the future and that is SOMETHING, at least I have HOPE
(Also I try to smile at least once a day, just to show Logan, his mom will be ok)

The last few day’s I have been struggling to get out of bed, which is to be expected I just kinda lay there feeling like I can’t breath.
So last night I was struggling to sleep, weird dreams have been keeping me up and other times I can’t even get to sleep.
I woke up early feeling the familiar I can’t breath feeling, like I was suffocating, I woke Robin, like I often do, to get him to tell me we will be okay, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, he did his best to reassure me and I ended up praying again,praying that I could just have a little breathing room just for a few minutes.
I ended up falling asleep again, but first I had this weird feeling of floating like the reverse of the falling feeling you often get in a dream. Then suddenly I was dreaming, I was in hospital room (not the 1 I was in last week, a general ward) my family came to visit and in comes my grandmother (she passed away years ago)
I got out of bed to use bathroom and when I wanted to get back in my gran was in bed asking me what I was doing? She was the one that needed rest. I was puzzled and kept telling her my son was gone and she just kept saying that he was fine, he is doing well.
Then suddenly I was sitting at her feet and she was brushing my hair, telling me that “this wasn’t like me” (have been in pjs for days now, and haven’t brushed my hair since hospital) and that I needed to take care of myself, but I kept saying I didn’t see the point as no one was looking after my son. She told me not to be silly, he was in good hands.
Then suddenly I’m at a party at my parents house. I recognised most of the people including a little baby girl in a pink onesy that I assumed was Robin’s brothers baby,Kamryn (weird since in this dream she was like a month old baby and in real life she is a 3-year-old) at the party someone asked me how my baby was and I broke down saying “he didn’t make it” I went in and one of my aunts was holding the baby I assumed to be Kameryn, I asked if I could hold her because in the dream, like now, I long to hold a baby close and my aunt looked at me and said “I don’t see why not, she’s yours”

FREAKY STUFF HEY-Rob is convinced it’s my gran (who I was always close to, coming to comfort me, tell me Logan is being looked after and that one day I will get my hearts desire of being a mommy)

This morning I feel a little better, I’m still sad and grieving and my mind suddenly wonders to Logan at the most random times, but I feel a leeeetle bit lighter, less like the weight of the world is on my chest pressing down with all it’s might. Which is good because that’s what I prayed for, a moment to feel a little lighter. I know it’s not gonna last forever, but being able to breath for a bit is nice

Our baby died, it’s a hard message to convey,surreal, unbelievable, scary.
Logan was with us for just a day and a half, that’s it, he was loaned to us and was so special God couldn’t bare to be apart from him.
Last time I updated I was soooo excited about doing a 4d scan, we would finally see our little man, and we did, the scan was incredible, the radiographer referred to him as the busiest baby they had ever scanned and definitely one of the cutest, he wriggled around, covered his face, playing peek-a-boo and made both Rob and I melt inside.
I left the office on Monday on cloud nine, telling my friend how it was the best day EVER! i received my new phone, saw the scan and was on my way to a early supper with my husband.
When I got home I rushed to show scan pictures and videos to my parents who were equally elated. How exciting in a few months this little busy body would be in our arms, but life had other plans.
That night I suffered from stomach cramps, it gradually became worse and I had no choice but to go the emergency room. Still convinced i had just eaten something dodge, the doctors set up a few tests, that’s when they found out, I WAS IN LABOUR!!!, I was having contractions and pain set in hard and fast, suddenly I was fully dilated and being rushed to labour ward.
Pain and blood that’s all I remember, My placenta had ruptured and with every push all I got was blood clots and pain. My water was broken but was stained green (still waiting for test results) all I knew was I was going to do what doctor said, push through the pain and stay calm.
My placenta had ruptured, a rare condition which causes your placenta to become unattached to your uterus, no warning no nothing, suddenly me and my baby were in critical condition.
“I want my baby I shouted” but the doctors wouldn’t make eye contact, the message was clear, he was not going to make it. “I want my baby”that’s all i could remember thinking, with Robin at my side, holding my hand and praying non stop, I weaved in and out of consciousness, I had lost a lot of blood and having a rare type, meant more blood had to be rushed from another hospital. In a bid to save our lives they did an emergency cesarean, cutting me from my belly button down, the baby was taken out and I still had no idea how he was, the sad faces around the operating table gave me no hope and I immediately passed out.
Rob tells me I wasn’t doing well, weaving in and out of consciousness begging for my baby. I was told Logan was alive and my fight started. My body was weak and extremely painfull, every movement was pure agony, but I was going to do anything to get well for my baby. I took the bare minimum when it came to medicine in a bid to stay awake for him and tried to stay as upbeat as possible.
Meanwhile Rob did the rounds, spending half his time with me in ICU and Logan in NICU where he was still fighting for dear life in an incubator. Rob would send me pics and videos and I swear from the moment he heard he could have lost both of us he didn’t eat or sleep, he just stayed by my side and Logan’s , being there for “his family” (He took pics and videos so we could see each other)
The Tuesday Logan was fine and I was getting better he was kicking around and all diagnoses looked good-my tall handsome boy would be ok, Id see him the Wednesday and sing to him like I did while he was in my tummy, he would hear my voice and be okay. But that was meant to be, despite trying my best, I could not get there in time and my angel was taken away.
With my grief stricken family looking on (still amazed that I had made it through)They brought my perfect little man to see me, the spitting image of his father. In every way he had the same fighting spirit as his dad, but his body was just too small, not formed enough, weak as he was, he couldn’t fight off the bleeding on his brain and his organs which gave up slowly after.
In a way i think he saved my life, if it wasn’t for him I would never have come to the emergency room (not a fan of doctors) and if I didn’t have him to fight for I would probably have given up on the operating table, but him and his father kept me strong.
Still they do, his dad hasn’t left my side except under heavy protest and he has been my pillar of strength.
This is all a bit much at the moment, hardly an hour goes by without tears and like some1 told me, we will never get over this just learn to live with it. For now I’m in pain physically and emotionally but I know God will heel wounds 🙂
We gave Logan a beautiful send off (They let me out of hospital just in time) and although I’m practically confined to bed the future looks a little brighter each day.
A big thank you to all friends and family who have come out to support us in this tough time, your support is greatly valued. . .