Losing Logan

Our baby died, it’s a hard message to convey,surreal, unbelievable, scary.
Logan was with us for just a day and a half, that’s it, he was loaned to us and was so special God couldn’t bare to be apart from him.
Last time I updated I was soooo excited about doing a 4d scan, we would finally see our little man, and we did, the scan was incredible, the radiographer referred to him as the busiest baby they had ever scanned and definitely one of the cutest, he wriggled around, covered his face, playing peek-a-boo and made both Rob and I melt inside.
I left the office on Monday on cloud nine, telling my friend how it was the best day EVER! i received my new phone, saw the scan and was on my way to a early supper with my husband.
When I got home I rushed to show scan pictures and videos to my parents who were equally elated. How exciting in a few months this little busy body would be in our arms, but life had other plans.
That night I suffered from stomach cramps, it gradually became worse and I had no choice but to go the emergency room. Still convinced i had just eaten something dodge, the doctors set up a few tests, that’s when they found out, I WAS IN LABOUR!!!, I was having contractions and pain set in hard and fast, suddenly I was fully dilated and being rushed to labour ward.
Pain and blood that’s all I remember, My placenta had ruptured and with every push all I got was blood clots and pain. My water was broken but was stained green (still waiting for test results) all I knew was I was going to do what doctor said, push through the pain and stay calm.
My placenta had ruptured, a rare condition which causes your placenta to become unattached to your uterus, no warning no nothing, suddenly me and my baby were in critical condition.
“I want my baby I shouted” but the doctors wouldn’t make eye contact, the message was clear, he was not going to make it. “I want my baby”that’s all i could remember thinking, with Robin at my side, holding my hand and praying non stop, I weaved in and out of consciousness, I had lost a lot of blood and having a rare type, meant more blood had to be rushed from another hospital. In a bid to save our lives they did an emergency cesarean, cutting me from my belly button down, the baby was taken out and I still had no idea how he was, the sad faces around the operating table gave me no hope and I immediately passed out.
Rob tells me I wasn’t doing well, weaving in and out of consciousness begging for my baby. I was told Logan was alive and my fight started. My body was weak and extremely painfull, every movement was pure agony, but I was going to do anything to get well for my baby. I took the bare minimum when it came to medicine in a bid to stay awake for him and tried to stay as upbeat as possible.
Meanwhile Rob did the rounds, spending half his time with me in ICU and Logan in NICU where he was still fighting for dear life in an incubator. Rob would send me pics and videos and I swear from the moment he heard he could have lost both of us he didn’t eat or sleep, he just stayed by my side and Logan’s , being there for “his family” (He took pics and videos so we could see each other)
The Tuesday Logan was fine and I was getting better he was kicking around and all diagnoses looked good-my tall handsome boy would be ok, Id see him the Wednesday and sing to him like I did while he was in my tummy, he would hear my voice and be okay. But that was meant to be, despite trying my best, I could not get there in time and my angel was taken away.
With my grief stricken family looking on (still amazed that I had made it through)They brought my perfect little man to see me, the spitting image of his father. In every way he had the same fighting spirit as his dad, but his body was just too small, not formed enough, weak as he was, he couldn’t fight off the bleeding on his brain and his organs which gave up slowly after.
In a way i think he saved my life, if it wasn’t for him I would never have come to the emergency room (not a fan of doctors) and if I didn’t have him to fight for I would probably have given up on the operating table, but him and his father kept me strong.
Still they do, his dad hasn’t left my side except under heavy protest and he has been my pillar of strength.
This is all a bit much at the moment, hardly an hour goes by without tears and like some1 told me, we will never get over this just learn to live with it. For now I’m in pain physically and emotionally but I know God will heel wounds πŸ™‚
We gave Logan a beautiful send off (They let me out of hospital just in time) and although I’m practically confined to bed the future looks a little brighter each day.
A big thank you to all friends and family who have come out to support us in this tough time, your support is greatly valued. . .

9 thoughts on “Losing Logan

  1. Luchae Gie says:

    Jeremiah 29:11 says "I know the plans I have for you. Plans not to harm you, but to prosper you. Plans to give you a hope and a future…" πŸ™‚ I know its hard to be this strong, and its okay to NOT BE strong sometimes, but its so inspiring to see you guys so positive during this time. Wow, how selfish I am to throw a hissy fit over my silly little upsets, when you and Rob have just given your baby boy to Jesus, and you are soldiering on. Logan will always be in our hearts. And Im sure he will go down in history as a LEGEND, to his brothers and sisters, when you share his incredible story. Love you guys <3

  2. Elaine says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there were some magical words that I could give you to assure you that it does get easier and that time does heal. There is unfortunately nothing that can be said at this time, except I am sorry, that my heart breaks for you, even though we don't know each other. Stay strong in your faith and in the assurance that you will be reunited. <3

  3. Heather says:

    I come by way of the Dead Baby Club. Actually, my sons name was also Logan. I was 24 weeks along when Logan died due to complications with Down Syndrome. He was stillborn 3 years 2 months ago. I know that it is so very hard to believe that it will get better, but given time, it will. Little by little. Our sad community helped me in immeasurable ways. Blogging seemed to be the only thing that kept me alive. I invite you to read through my journey, my struggle with my faith/family/relationship and living child. What started out with such agony, ends in a dull ache, I promise you. -Heather from http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com

  4. stillbirthday says:

    Eleanor, I just wanted to let you know that I've added your blog to our blogroll at stillbirthday. Here is the link:

    I would love to hold your story at the site as well; if there are particular posts here that you would like to me to use, you can just send the links to those, or you can rewrite your story specifically for the site. Either way, if you just use the "Share Your Story" tab, it'll let you know how to do it. I'd hate to publish something there that you only wanted here.

    Thank you for visiting stillbirthday, and for sharing your experience so that mothers can find healing and know that they are not alone.

    Blessings to you,
    Heidi Faith

  5. stephy says:

    Hi there fellow Capetown gal, I've been in your shoes, I lost a baby boy when he was 15 months old in a car accident, that was 10 years ago, I have since then had 4 more kids and my life is very full now, but I suffered badly for the first 2 years until I had another baby to focus on, I always say I have had 5 kids and people ask me about them and then I have to explain one is not here, but I have to include him, I feel like he's staring at me if I don't lol, as time passes it will get easier, but he will always be your baby and never be sad for having him, everything in life has life lessons and mine was to teach me the value of family and being the best mom I can be, sometimes you don't appreciate what you have, anyway I will be starting a blog soon, to share my experiences and boy I have had many, nice to read about a south African mom that does some crafting etc lots of hugs stephanie

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