Category: Rainbow

Some pre-weekend deepness…

Leave a comment

I’m 32 weeks pregnant today. . . and woke up in such a panic because for the first time in ages, Aidan was not awake before me, in fact every morning I get woken by pretty strong kicks and it has become such a security blanket that his lethargicness freaked me out good and proper this morning.
I did the whole lie on your back and drink cold water thing but NOTHING…with the one year anniversary of Logan’s birth and death less than two weeks away it was panic stations for me!
I already started playing worse case scenario in my head (hated it as a TV show, hate it even more as a mental state) and I couldn’t breath…I tried to go on with my life as much as possible, jump in the shower (and the like), but nothing.
 “He is just asleep”, Rob kept repeating trying to calm me down and although my brain knew I was being silly, my heart refused to do the common sense thing.
This is until I got punched/kicked/nudged so hard I almost toppled over in shock (I’m very round right about now…toppling over is an actual fear these days not an overdramatized reaction).
HE WAS OK! My heart leapt!
He has not stopped kicking since, in fact I would appreciate some lethargicness right about now (Yes! Yes! I’m never happy)….
The whole thing left me wondering, when I would be “ok” when would I be completely secure in his pending arrival, I have 6 weeks until my scheduled C-section and every time someone tells me to enjoy this “magical time” because I am going to miss it, I wish I had actual magic to make them disappear…there is nothing magic about this tension that surges through me (unless those stars I see come from fairy dust)  every time he is “Too busy”, “Too quiet”, “Too high”, Too low” . . .
I have no idea how or where he is supposed to be, except maybe safely tucked into his Moses basket…
This ride has been (or is rather) such a learning curve…I need to learn to leave everything to a higher power, I can drink my meds, rest and pray with all I have inside, but that is it, after the prayer and the planning, it’s actually not in my hands…like the hymn “Lord take the wheel” I need to learn to let the Lord take the wheel and stop stepping on my imaginary passenger side brake whenever things look like they are not going my way . . .
It’s a scary thing, but if I don’t face the night I will never get to see the day
 
Have a great day all J  
 

tmgdisc

Scarred not scared

2 Comments
I will be 31 weeks pregnant tomorrow and this right here is how giant I am already…wish me luck 🙂
my everything is swollen, see no wrists or ankles to speak of, but so worth it

I have a scar, it goes all the way down from my bellybutton to where C-section scars are usually situated –  I have been told on more than one occasion that my belly button is unusually high so that’s a long way – it’s getting wider as my belly stretches and must be well over 5cm by now…The scar is getting worse the bigger I get, stretching and hardening and hurting like heck, esp. since Aidan uses that area for kick boxing practice.
So what’s the point of me saying this? Well I was thinking how the scar is so representative of all that’s happened…I’ve “healed” physically but the scar is like a giant reminder of what happened…it’s changed my life “I can never confidently wear a bikini again” (also I’m no longer built for a bikini but that’s besides the point) and I can’t look at my tummy without remembering why I’m “mutilated” (in the rush to save my life they didn’t exactly care about how everything looked)…The doctor has told me that reconstructive work is in order…they plan on cutting out the scar tissue and stitching me up neater this time, then I have steroid injections to look forward to (I plan on using this as an excuse if I don’t lose weight fast enough) this is scheduled to happen right after Aidan’s birth meaning I get a new C-section scar (the regular garden variety) and another scar (the old re-cut one) which they (me especially) hope will heal way better this time… It should fade with time…but never truly go away, I guess like memories…some things are just meant to be a part of you whether you like it or not.

tmgdisc

Our Rainbow’s room

8 Comments
So what started as a nautical room is now transport themed:
 WHY? well because people keep giving us gifts that are transport inspired (not just boats) and I couldn’t say no to all the cuteness
The duvet and chair cover is from my mom, the chalk board has always been there but I added his name for cuteness and well these pics don’t really do the room justice but I LOVE IT 
My friend Sal (from fashion friday) hosted an amazing baby shower for me this weekend (pictures to come-date was moved forward) and I actually ended up incorporating some of the decor into Aidan’s room okay more than some, Sal is super creative

This is a before and after for the “feeding chair” my mom redid for the room. It looks soooo good 🙂
Before Aidan goes to sleep in his own room, we intend to keep him close, and for that our friend Lyndall borrowed us a stunning vintage moses basket 🙂 HOW BEAUTIFUL

Such a lucky boy (lucky parents really)

4 Comments

My colleagues had a super cool baby shower for us yesterday 🙂 complete with the best brownies and cupcakes I have had in ages…nom nom nom
My rounded figure is clearly not only baby related *I will need to hit the gym HARD later this year*

Anyways, Aidan is such a blessed little boy…With last year’s medical and funeral costs running quite high, Rob and I were slightly worried if we would be able to purchase all the “must-haves” in time , but as always , God used our amazing friends to provide 🙂
From baby wipes and THE cutest outfits to a vibrating musical chair…We are now pretty much ready for his arrival…not quite….but WAY more than we were a day ago (seriously we didn’t even have a single nappy)

A GIANT THANK YOU to my co-workers, was so great to see the same people who got together to support us in our sadness  there to celebrate with us in our joy. (people who had the day off even came in…)
 It makes us feel extremely blessed

How special is this blanket…I have my boys’ names together…
cant help but feel a lil teary eyed every time I look at it
 (in a good way though)
Woah! seeing myself like this is CRAZY! baby got back! and front and all around
Gift opening time…. yeah
Yes I do sit like a man these days…hehehe

 
tmgdisc

Songs for my Sons

Leave a comment

I love music . . . but weirdly so, every CD in our house+car belongs to Robin and its really not often that you will find me replaying a song more than a couple of times unless it REALLY speaks to me (usually in a foreign language-Love Carla Bruni) that being said, you would be hard pressed to find anyone who has spent a couple of days with me without hearing me break out into song or  hum a little tune. When I was younger I LOVED the stage…then some stage fright set in and I opted to do back-up vocals for DJS which meant you could hear my voice but didn’t know where it came from, these days I mostly hum to entertain myself.
 
I always imagined I’d sing to my babies…from womb to  big school (I seem prone to having sons and don’t think they’d appreciate random singing after a certain age) I started with Logan and know that singing to him in my mind got me through some tough times, but with Aidan I just couldn’t, I don’t know if it was my hearts way of protecting me? Because I used to play Carla Bruni to Logan all the time and now her music seems to have lost it’s spark and the song “Jesus wants me for a Sun beam” has become a instant tear jerker…
 
Robin loves my singing and really wants me to sing to baby and even my  doctor was encouraging me, telling me how she wishes she could sing and how she had to settle for CD’s while she was pregnant…
I thought about it, but just couldn’t bring myself to sing the traditional lullabies, maybe it’s because I don’t like the idea of bough breaking and cradles falling…
 
Any way Aidan was particularly restless last night and I thought lets try this singing thing… I went with two of my favourites… “Dream a little dream” by Mammas and Pappas  and  “Smile” by Nat King Cole and would you know it…it worked 🙂
 
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM
 
Stars shining bright above you
night breezes seem to whisper

I love you
Birds singin’ in the sycamore tree

Dream a little dream of me.
Say “nighty night” and kiss me

just hold me tight and tell me

you’ll miss me.
While I’m alone and blue as can be

Dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading
but I linger on
dear

still craving your kiss
I’m longing to linger til dawn
dear

Just saying this:

Sweet dreams til sun beams find you

sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you.
But in your dreams
whatever they be

dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading
but I linger on
dear

still craving your kiss.
I’m longing to linger til dawn
dear

just saying this:

Sweet dreams til sun beams find you

sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you.
But in your dreams
whatever they be

dream a little dream of me.

Sweet dreams til sun beams find you

sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you.
But in your dreams
whatever they be

dream a little dream of me.

Sweet dreams til sun beams find you

sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you.
But in your dreams
whatever they be

dream a little dream of me.

 
 
SMILE
 
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what’s the use of crying?
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

  
Meanwhile someone sent me a link to a song by Pink (the only artist I can think of where I’d go out of my way to attend a concert), which is said to deal with child loss, it’s such a powerful ballad and connects me with my other son, Logan….
 
BEAM ME UP
 
There’s a whole n’other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

tmgdisc

Catch up on rainbow and a little sad note

2 Comments

It’s week 28 which means we are now in the third trimester and  have officially made it passed the dreaded 26week mark! This doesn’t guaranty our rainbows safety but it seriously goes a long way to protect my sanity!
Seriously making it to the third trimester is A BIG DEAL for anyone who has gone into preterm labor it’s SUCH A GOOD SIGN. Not that it cancels out complications (because it really doesn’t) but it gives you peace of mind and strength to take on the rest of the journey.
At week 28, Aidan is such a busy boy and its amazing to see how he reacts to outside stimuli…Like in church where he started moving every time a baby in the congregation started crying and last night when I was trying to make a smoothie he certainly made his feelings about blenders known! At first I thought it was a fluke, so I tested it, and seriously every time I switch the blender on he would kick up such a fuss…It really is such an amazing thing. Rob often “plays” with him, and without fail he reacts to Robs voice, he also seems to find people touching him quite annoying (he kicks, HARD, often in the face…)
 
I can’t believe how far we have come….On Sunday they had a memorial service for everyone who passed away last year, they read out the names of those who passed and you could go light a candle in honor of your person. It was a very tough to get up the courage to even go to the service (Rubbing salt in a healing wound) but we wanted to do this for Logan, honor him, stand up and be counted. I couldn’t conjure up the guts to go light the candle myself so Rob offered to, this was something he wanted to do for his son…Unfortunetly a mix-up came and Logan’s name was never read –  Cue the water works – It was like someone stomped on my heart…I just sat there stunned, tears pouring down my face…How could they forget him? Especially after I had been asked to check his details with the deacon, it was heartbreaking and for some reason just sooo sad and disappointing (they announced another baby’s death and the cynical part of me shouted, what made that baby more special than ours?).
A week of readying our hearts and our spirits and then we don’t even get the chance to honor Logan…I was shattered and we actually decided to slip out of church (something I have never done) and go to Logan’s grave instead, I felt rather stupid to sit there crying anyway.
I received an apology from the deacon later and the “assurance” that Logan was not forgotten, but by that time I didn’t care,  I had had a good cry next to my sons grave , I played with the dandelions that spouted next to his grave and stared in wonder at butterflies that danced above our heads (Two of my favourite symbols) and strengthened my resolve not to base my own emotions on other people.
I wasn’t angry and  still aren’t, I was disappointed and it broke my heart to see Robin so ready to honor his son, and be stopped, but I’m not angry…my mom got up just before Rob and I slipped out and lit a candle for Logan, and it reminded me again; we don’t need anyone’s validation to make our love for our little boy more real or to prove that he was here, we know what we know and that is validation enough. . .
 
* picture from shiratdevorah.blogspot.com