At 1.53m tall many a person has referred to me as “little one” throughout my life, even now when I’m staring 30 in the face and have put on more weight than I’d care to mention, I’m still “little one”
This is just an explanation of my headline, it has nothing to do with the post really….

I’m sad, I’m very sad, the kind of sad I haven’t experienced since I was about 16 and convinced “no one understood me” they really didn’t though, don’t think they do now. I’m very much a square peg trying to fit into the round hole that is my extended family.

My mom says I was a high maintenance emotional toddler and people just never knew how to respond to my questions that were far more Charles Dickens than Barney and Friends…

I questioned life and death and purpose and didn’t (don’t) crave physical touch or closeness quite as much as I crave understanding and knowledge. “I don’t need you to hug me I need you to understand where I’m coming from”

My dad reckoned I watched too much TV and got sucked into a emo phase by a hearty mixture of 7th Heaven and Dawson’s Creek – Actually I watched Love Boat and Documentaries…

My aunt who always “got me” is dead now, they lay her to rest as I lay in hospital praying for my son to breath on his own…ironically he  leaves me out of breath these days…

I miss her, I need her to tell me that it’s okay if people don’t get you. and help me understand why family agreeing to a phrase as simple as “Just because something is important to you, doesn’t mean it will be important to someone else” stings a little.

I said it trying to convince myself , I didn’t expect a sigh of “sheesh finally she gets it” relief.

I’m sad the kind of sad that mirrors the rain tapping at my window and I find myself drawing into myself, I hate that, I hate when the darkness threatens to overtake my emotions and depression rears it’s ugly head. I want to be happy in the here and now, I want to experience the exuberant joy spending time with my husband and son usually brought and not feel like that 11 year old girl reading a book on the back seat of her dads car watching her family party outside, just outside of reach. Too young for the adults and too old for the kids…

I feel cut off from my life and I just don’t know how to fix it. I know that wanting people to be there for me and my child as completely as I try to be there for them is unreasonable. Everyone has their own love language, their own priorities.

Sometimes just sometimes I’d like to be one of those people people bend over backwards for, not the agreeable whatever you want I will just fall in line person…

BLEUGH!!! Vent over! Here’s to that silver lining, that bright tomorrow and that chocolate in my bag.