The last few day’s I have been struggling to get out of bed, which is to be expected I just kinda lay there feeling like I can’t breath.
So last night I was struggling to sleep, weird dreams have been keeping me up and other times I can’t even get to sleep.
I woke up early feeling the familiar I can’t breath feeling, like I was suffocating, I woke Robin, like I often do, to get him to tell me we will be okay, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, he did his best to reassure me and I ended up praying again,praying that I could just have a little breathing room just for a few minutes.
I ended up falling asleep again, but first I had this weird feeling of floating like the reverse of the falling feeling you often get in a dream. Then suddenly I was dreaming, I was in hospital room (not the 1 I was in last week, a general ward) my family came to visit and in comes my grandmother (she passed away years ago)
I got out of bed to use bathroom and when I wanted to get back in my gran was in bed asking me what I was doing? She was the one that needed rest. I was puzzled and kept telling her my son was gone and she just kept saying that he was fine, he is doing well.
Then suddenly I was sitting at her feet and she was brushing my hair, telling me that “this wasn’t like me” (have been in pjs for days now, and haven’t brushed my hair since hospital) and that I needed to take care of myself, but I kept saying I didn’t see the point as no one was looking after my son. She told me not to be silly, he was in good hands.
Then suddenly I’m at a party at my parents house. I recognised most of the people including a little baby girl in a pink onesy that I assumed was Robin’s brothers baby,Kamryn (weird since in this dream she was like a month old baby and in real life she is a 3-year-old) at the party someone asked me how my baby was and I broke down saying “he didn’t make it” I went in and one of my aunts was holding the baby I assumed to be Kameryn, I asked if I could hold her because in the dream, like now, I long to hold a baby close and my aunt looked at me and said “I don’t see why not, she’s yours”
FREAKY STUFF HEY-Rob is convinced it’s my gran (who I was always close to, coming to comfort me, tell me Logan is being looked after and that one day I will get my hearts desire of being a mommy)
This morning I feel a little better, I’m still sad and grieving and my mind suddenly wonders to Logan at the most random times, but I feel a leeeetle bit lighter, less like the weight of the world is on my chest pressing down with all it’s might. Which is good because that’s what I prayed for, a moment to feel a little lighter. I know it’s not gonna last forever, but being able to breath for a bit is nice
