My son is mourning a sibling he never knew

Seeing your child mourning is sad, the scary part is the fact that he is mourning a sibling who died before (in all honesty) he (Aidan I mean) was even a consideration.

Cloud watching with mommy

On what should have been Logan’s birthday I am looking at my living son, and I’m worried about this state of mourning he seems to be in? surely this isn’t normal is it?

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Today I chose to be a little sad

Sometimes I think I miss the early stages of grieving…I miss it being completely okay to break down because “it is still raw and  you’re allowed to lose it a little”.
I also feel like giving birth while my God mother was being buried robbed me of grieving for her so there is a deep sadness inside me which I’ve kind of missed the “statute of limitation” on.
I don’t often feel like I’m allowed to grieve her or Logan but this time of the year (the time 4 and 3 years ago when I lost them) I give myself some me time some time when being sad is 100% okay
 Logan is gone 4 years today…I now have a happy family and I should be satisfied and just move on… it’s hard though, I spend the whole year putting it all out of my head hardly thinking about the could haves and would haves and then his birthday rolls around and I’m annoyed.
It annoys me that I just never got to actually spend any time with my own child.
 I want to scream that it’s all very unflippen fair, but I don’t because I imagine people are thinking “Omw get over it” or “are we still on this” or “everyone has problems, you’re not special” and naturally “death is a part of life”
Sometimes it’s actual looks and comments I get and other times it’s in the plain ignoring and forgetting and saying things like “so and so lost a child could you imagine how terrible” (I kinda can) or “you have a new life now put the past in the past” or the glazed over “let’s move this convo along” look.
I don’t want to be babied, honestly don’t baby me! it’s gonna get awkward! I’m going to make an off colour joke (which I do when I’m nervous) and it will be all lets look away and laugh uncomfortably.
All I’m asking is let me be miserable today. Look at the child you have or think of the child you long to have and then imagine them snatched away and buried in a little white box before you could catch your breath and then cut me some slack.
Yes time heals all wounds but this isn’t a wound it’s my child and today I chose to miss him.
Picture from: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Grieving moms and mother’s day…don’t say stupid things

Mother’s day is coming up and it’s always a bitter sweet time for me, I always feel so lucky yet so incomplete… I know that when I lost Logan many people did not know what to do with me…it’s all just so unreal. I thought I’d share my list of what to do  IF YOUR FRIEND”S BABY DIES because it comes in really handy when you don’t know how to act and keeps you from saying things like “you must be glad that is over” “Lucky he wasn’t around too long” “It’s been long now though” 

Mother’s day is a sensitive time for grieving moms, even if they seem like they are “pretty cool about it” so keep that in mind ๐Ÿ™‚

Loving Logan.png

Mother’s day 2012

Mothers day after losing your baby is a cruel reality. Rob hates it if I say I’m not a mother, he says it’s denying our son, I don’t mean to deny him, I just feel that being a mother with no-one to mother is the cruelest irony! Yes I’m a mother, but I want to be a mom! 

I have the wide set hips of a mother, the stretch marks, the (worse than most) c-section scar, I have the medical bills and mementos from birth, but that’s where it stops.
My heart aches as I write this, my arms long for a little someone to hold and caress and to sing to, I wish my “motherly duties” weren’t taken away so soon.
I’m healing, everyday I can feel God working towards putting my heart back together, but days like tomorrow hurt!!!
Moms are praised for their work, for late night feeds and kissing the booboo, for loving and taking care and with each advertisement on tv,radio,magazine, my entire being screams out, ITS NOT FAIR!!! I didn’t bail out on my duties on purpose! I want to stay up late with feedings and I don’t mind dealing with a cranky child! I wasn’t given a fair chance! Its just not fair!
It all feels so crazy like I entered a triathlon and when I got to the cycle part, my bike was stolen, I trained! I was ready! I wanted it! Its not my fault I couldn’t finish ๐Ÿ™
I know so many women will share my pain tomorrow, through child loss and infertility! And I pray God helps us heal because this pain is something I would never wish on anyone. 

To Logan on his 3rd birthday in heaven

Happy birthday my Logie Bear on this birthday we don’t get to share…

You would be three now. I wonder if you would have had a better appetite than your brother, he seems to get hungry every fortnight. Would you also be a busy body vegetarian who can talk the hind legs off a donkey. Or would you be the quite deep little one begging for a burger.

What cake would I have made for you? What gift would you have wanted?

You got two cousins this week Caleb and Cruze. Caleb is a tiny little thing kind of how you were, just healthier ๐Ÿ™ and Cruze is a little ox like your brother was at birth, also just healthier… (Sheesh you two put me through my paces, I didn’t even realise babies could come straight home, but they did and we feel very blessed)

We miss you little man, even if you don’t hear us crying every night begging for morning like when you first died…even though I don’t write you these letters all that often anymore…We miss you!
I still get that old familiar kick I’m the gut when I think about  you, I still can’t breath for a second when people ask me how many children I have or ask what happened to you. I still get nightmares and flashbacks and every time your dad has to deal with a deceased child at work I know reality hits him straight in the face.

I try to be brave and I talk to other angel moms and tell them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (albeit not the light we signed up for) it makes me feel good to keep your memory going like this…

Oh Logan how crazy things are, life has gone on…my hair is longer and I’m still trying to lose weight, I still talk too much and rest too little, my mind is always racing and with your little brother so am I…

Look over him Logie Bear, he is such a curious little thing and I worry about him all the time. He doesn’t understand danger or mortality and flirts with it daily with his climbing and running and lack of eating… I’m paranoid since you left and his safety is paramount…Please watch him

I hope the angels spoil you and you get that cake I never got to bake…love you forever and a day my angel child

LOVE MOMMY…

Grieving parents: when your “Now” gets sick your “Then” haunts

Logan on left, and “Born of Fire” meaning of Aidan’s name on right
Having a sick baby is not uncommon. Especially if the “sickness” is flu, upset tummy, and so forth. This is the norm and as emotional as having a sick child is, it’s one of those things we know we have to deal with and we just do. Because we are moms and that’s like on page one of the job description.
 
Why then did I find myself clutching an overheating toddler while fighting back tears at the emergency room of our local hospital just a night ago?
Why did it feel like my heart was being ripped out and that I was punched so hard in the stomach I could hardly breathโ€ฆ
Why did I want everyone to shut up and stop talking sense and in fact just wake me up when it was all over.
 
I realised that it wasnโ€™t just about Aidan, it was largely about Loganโ€ฆ
This hospital where I was holding my son while waiting my turn is where I came looking for help with Logan and this is where I had to leave him behind.
The fear and nausea inducing sadness was not coming from my head, but my heart. I had somehow convinced myself of ridiculous unfounded things and making myself sickโ€ฆ
 
In my head;
I was here to bring Aidan to the hospital and again return home empty handed.
I would have to pack up his clothes and toys and give everything awayโ€ฆI would have to endure the pain, the heartbreak and the stigma all over again.
My life would yet again come to a stand still and this time around I wasnโ€™t so sure if I could start it up again, or if I would want to.
 
Naturally I was getting ahead of myself. Aidan simply had a fever brought on by flu. He was happily chatting away and being very brave and cooperative with the tests. I was the one “not well”.
He was praised for being a good patient and one of the sweetest toddlers they had seen. He was his usual busy self so why was I a basket case?
 
It’s the first time Aidan has been back to the hospital he was born at, the hospital he spent the first days of his life learning to breath at (I wasnโ€™t sure he would ever come home) and the hospital his brother stopped breathing at ๐Ÿ™
This place has so many memories , good and bad, and I guess taking him there  was just another plaster that needed to be ripped off.
 
I forget how damaged I still am, how my heart isn’t completely whole yetโ€ฆbut it’s a journey this grieving thing and even though I get a flat tyre or run out of petrol every now and again, the journey goes on ๐Ÿ™‚