So yesterday a newbie at the office was commenting on the fact that I have worked in almost every department in this building and asked what it was that I ultimately wanted to do with my life. Then it hit me- kind of like the bottle of water I knocked off a shelf a few minutes ago that knocked me in the chest- it hit me that I don’t actually know, I have these pipe dreams of being a stay-at-home mom come author/photographer/blogger , but it’s not really realistic, it’s just one of those “wouldn’t it be nice” dreams… This year marks 10 years since High School and I’ve done OK for myself, I have the career, the home (albeit rental), car, husband and baby on the way. I have great friends and amazing family so I’m quite lucky in most respects then I wonder in the words of Britney Spears (I’m quoting Britney *shoot me*) “If there’s nothing missing in my life. Then why do these tears come at night?”
My friend reminded me that it’s been a tough year, no time for contemplation and Zen like stock taking, my plans had been derailed but with time I’ll find “my plan” again and start working towards it. I decided to go with that idea, its okay that -for the first time I can remember- there is no plan I’m working towards, that “keeping it together” has become a full time job…I’m many ways I’m still in mourning (for Logan, for friends for family), I’m still worrying about loved onesgoing through tough times and I’m still coming to terms with my life not being at all like it was supposed to be right about now, there is no bundle of joy waiting for me at home and my godmother who has always been such a powerful fixture in my life is very ill, meanwhile I’m trying to find my place when it comes to friendship circles L
No this is not a pity party! just me saying; it’s OK Eleanor, it’s OK not to know what you want to do with tomorrow, it’s fine that you are just barely coping with today. My gran had a saying in Afrikaans “Klim in en ry, die pad sal ons reg skud” roughly translated “Get in and ride, the road will knock us into place” — which she explained to mean “do what you can God will take care of the rest”.
So I might not know the big picture right now, but I’m doing what I can…happy Tuesday
