So it occurs to me, at almost 30-years-old, that I’m still allowing myself to be bullied *SHOCK HORROR* I grew up a pretty scrawny nerdy kid who ticked all the boxes to be ideal bully fodder, with my nose permanently in a book, my accent apparently offensive to many and boys not exactly banging down my door, I had my fair share of hugging tear stained pillows while listening to sad songs…
When I “came into my own” I realised a sharp tongue was great armour and any insult was countered with a witty retort, people stopped “bullying” me and best of all I had enough friends who “got me” so if there was bullying of any kind I wouldn’t notice it anyway…
So how do I find myself in this position so late in life? How am I, a grown-ass woman, finding myself being hurt by words and having to beg my dad and husband not to make any calls on my behalf?
Well, my mother has always said that words only really hurt when you yourself believe them to be true, she meant that being referred to as an outsider at 13 only hurt because I felt like such an outsider…
Same can be said for now, the person in question, a “family member” constantly hurls insults regarding my weight. I swear no conversation is complete without my weight and height being brought up, you know how I’m a short fat woman who gets fatter everyday…I’m starting to think that this stings because I’ve always taken pride in my appearance and (not counting the bump) I’ve become a bit of a teapot lately (short and stout) she must sense this and seems to feed on me squirming…
Then there are the comments referring to Logan’s death and insinuations that I was careless and somehow caused pregnancy complications….see here for complete list of insinuations…
Then there are references to the baby I’m carrying now, passing away. “If it happens again” , “When it happens again” , “If you’re not careful, it could happen again”…
Comments regarding my kids sting the most…Logan and Rainbow mean the world and it kills me to be seen viewed as somehow at fault for not keeping them safe…If my mom’s theory is correct, my guilt about “not keeping Logan safe” fuels the pain and hurt I feel.
Then there are the comments about us not caring and never visiting (even though the person in question has only visited twice this year,both funeral related) this brings up guilt because even though we visit “like family should” I don’t feel bad about missing visits…it’s easier to avoid conflict I think…
There are other comments that make me feel emotionally bullied but these are the ones at the top of me head…
ANYWAY, this blog post is a way of me taking back the power, I refuse to have someone belittle me, I have always believed you teach people how to treat you and I’d be damned if I ever let people think treating me like dirt is OK…
So step 1…I’m admitting there’s a problem
step 2…I’m taking back the power
step 3…I’m making up the rest of the steps as I go along, wish me luck…
*picture from spanishdict.com
