I feel awful! run down! and exhausted! I’m not sure if it’s just because I have iron deficiency anaemia and low blood pressure which is currently in a bad phase or if I have just been burning the candle at both ends so long I ran out of wick?  But I’m so out of it I can’t follow a conversation let alone participate in one.
Feeling like regurgitated death for the last few days has seen me cancel, reschedule and shorten appointments…Things that were non-negotiable become pretty negotiable when you can’t keep food down (oh the recurring ulcer is recurring-I didn’t realise that I was supposed to still be taking meds and being on a restrictive diet so instead of getting better, I got worse)
The need to say no has made me realise something, “it’s okay to say no”
I always fear that people will think they don’t mean much to me if I can’t be there for them whenever they need me. If  I can’t drop what I’m doing and see to others I’m selfish and not worthy of their friendship.

My inner dialogue can be brutal: 
I need to be there for family – “She forgot where she comes from doesn’t even have time for us.”
 I need to be there for friends – “I bet if so and so asked she would do it, she is clearly not as good a friend as I thought”
I need to be there for work – “She has lost focus since becoming a mother, maybe the responsibility is too much for her”
I need to be there for husband – “This is NOT how a good wife behaves”
I need to be there for Aidan – “So you work whole day and then don’t have time for me, a good mom would have time for me”
I need to be there for my crafting and photography business – “This is why you will never be successful, you can’t commit”
I need to be there for my blog – “You are not even funny or entertaining, quit while you’re ahead buddy”
I need to be there for my “household duties” – “When last did you bake anything? your finances are in shambles and I think there is a Lego in the dishwasher…you suck at this!”
I need to be there for my health and fitness – “You are fat, unfit and now sickly too, what’s the point in trying really?”

I’m just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired!!!
So unapologetic, holy cow can’t I win a night in a hotel room by myself, tired!

So in a bid to not end up in a corner rocking myself back and forth humming kumbaya I decided to de-clutter…

With Rob’s help I am vowing…for the rest of the year at least…
–  Only one RSVP per Saturday/Sunday . . . Running from a breakfast function, to a lunch time birthday party, and then a supper event is not working for us…We end up irritable and don’t enjoy ourselves because we need to watch check the whole time.
–  No more big crafting jobs for the near future, I just don’t have the time to make 100 invitations or party favors, small scale stuff – sure, help out people – sure, but no more big jobs, I just don’t have the time or energy
–  Bring back date night – it’s about time we had at least one meal without begging one of the people at the table to draw on the paper supplied not the table
– Start going to church more regularly, I’ve become one of those special occasion church goers, which is fine for some people (Spirituality and religion is a personal decision) I just remember growing up in the church and want that for Aidan
– Sign up for a Christian women’s retreat I need the down time and time to reconnect…
– Take charge of my finances…I’m way too disorganised
– Cook meals ahead of time- which give us more time after work with Aidan and to go for walks
– Downgrade my extra mural activities, to blogging and the occasional party photo shoot (love photographing kids parties)
– STOP BEING SO HARD ON ME!

Wish me luck! this running around like a headless chicken thing, means I end up with a ton of unfinished projects. NOT a good look