I’m not over it…Even though months have past, I’m pregnant again and people are no longer scared to make eye contact with me. Many good and many awful things have happened to capture my attention…BUT, I’m not over it:
I still have nightmares, I still see his fragile little body fighting for survival and I still long and yearn to hold him just one time…I still wonder if he felt loved in his short life, did the sterile NICU make him feel abandoned or cast aside, or could he sense the loving eyes blinking back tears as they watched him?
Being pregnant doesn’t make things “okay now” I’m still scared, there is such a familiarity in carrying his brother (for those who don’t know, our little girl turned out to be a little boy) and with the weeks steadily marching on leaving us less than 4 weeks away from the gestational age we lost Logan at, I pray that the familiarity never goes THAT far, I don’t want to lose another child…
It’s festive season and there is so much joy in the air…and so little of if seems reserved for my family , my aunt is still very sick, my sister spends half her holiday with doctors and the other half with the police (following the attack) Rob and I are working right through (well mostly) while trying to avoid all the happy new families that seem to have come out of the woodwork.
There is no tree this year…we planned on getting a big one for Logan but now there seems to be no point, All the gifts I’m wrapping are for “other” peoples kids while every joyful laugh is for another mothers ear and every tear that falls is for another mother to wipe…
I don’t mean to sound like the Grinch’s less green but equally bitter sister, but this year has taken its toll on me and all I need is a nap, until about 23.59 on new years eve…
(Please note, I’m ok, sometimes I just need to vent, beat my chest or host a little pity party for one, today is one of those days, but joy comes in the morning, IT ALWAYS DOES)
Picture: ashley-annmoyer.blogspot.com
