I’m 32 weeks pregnant today. . . and woke up in such a panic because for the first time in ages, Aidan was not awake before me, in fact every morning I get woken by pretty strong kicks and it has become such a security blanket that his lethargicness freaked me out good and proper this morning.

I did the whole lie on your back and drink cold water thing but NOTHING…with the one year anniversary of Logan’s birth and death less than two weeks away it was panic stations for me!

I already started playing worse case scenario in my head (hated it as a TV show, hate it even more as a mental state) and I couldn’t breath…I tried to go on with my life as much as possible, jump in the shower (and the like), but nothing.

 “He is just asleep”, Rob kept repeating trying to calm me down and although my brain knew I was being silly, my heart refused to do the common sense thing.

This is until I got punched/kicked/nudged so hard I almost toppled over in shock (I’m very round right about now…toppling over is an actual fear these days not an overdramatized reaction).

HE WAS OK! My heart leapt!

He has not stopped kicking since, in fact I would appreciate some lethargicness right about now (Yes! Yes! I’m never happy)….

The whole thing left me wondering, when I would be “ok” when would I be completely secure in his pending arrival, I have 6 weeks until my scheduled C-section and every time someone tells me to enjoy this “magical time” because I am going to miss it, I wish I had actual magic to make them disappear…there is nothing magic about this tension that surges through me (unless those stars I see come from fairy dust)  every time he is “Too busy”, “Too quiet”, “Too high”, Too low” . . .

I have no idea how or where he is supposed to be, except maybe safely tucked into his Moses basket…

This ride has been (or is rather) such a learning curve…I need to learn to leave everything to a higher power, I can drink my meds, rest and pray with all I have inside, but that is it, after the prayer and the planning, it’s actually not in my hands…like the hymn “Lord take the wheel” I need to learn to let the Lord take the wheel and stop stepping on my imaginary passenger side brake whenever things look like they are not going my way . . .

It’s a scary thing, but if I don’t face the night I will never get to see the day

Have a great day all J