I’m sad this morning, a profound sadness that catches you by surprise and leaves you breathless and fighting back tears…This morning I just miss my aunt/godmother soooo much. There is something to be said for funerals I guess, I was in hospital [just having given birth to Aidan who could not breath unassisted] so going to the funeral was not an option, maybe if it was, maybe if I saw her being lowered into the ground I wouldn’t have these “episodes” the fact that she’s gone wouldn’t hit me like a ton of bricks and I wouldn’t have to catch my breath and wipe the tears which have fallen on my child’s sleeping face.

Every now and again I remember that I can’t phone her to ask advice or just vent, I can’t pop over for tea and she will no longer send me a message to  “change the channel NOW” because I’d be very interested in a topic on some show [usually Oprah] It breaks my heart when I think how she has been a part of every part of my life, every big move from confirmation to graduation, first job to wedding , but now when I need her most she’s gone. Now when I have realized the dream of becoming a mother [a dream she couldn’t fulfill and we both feared I couldn’t either] she can’t share my joy.

I can just imagine how much she would have loved him and how she would have spoilt him. I think of the articles she would have got for me to read about raising a son and how she would get a kick out of his fascination with books… Before she died, I saw her on my birthday and breathlessly she half teased that she didn’t have a message for me, that we have had enough conversations to last a lifetime and I could just draw from that,  but today as I type and try to fight back tears I’m pretty sure she was wrong…I have so much more I would have loved to learn from her and so much more to talk about. . . I guess it’s just one of those lessons that are super painful to learn, Nothing lasts forever so appreciate what you have now because things change in the blink of an eye…