A little note on self-image and how my low self-image has affected my life

I’m 8 and walking home from school as close to the houses as possible, I don’t want to be seen. I want to be invisible

I’m around 11 I’m tugging at the sleeves of my shirt, pulling it down covering my boney arms.

I’m 12 asking my mom if she thought I was pretty and blinking back tears as she replies “beauty fades, it’s the inside that matters”

I’m 15 it’s hot as all hell but when ppl ask me why I’m in a polo neck shirt I say it’s because I feel a little sick and wanted to cover up

I’m 17 looking for a farewell dress and hating every moment of it

I’m 21 and letting guys treat me badly because somehow it meant that I was worthy of their attention

I’m 25 looking through my wedding pictures and deciding that there are about three that are okayish

I’m 28 and hiding in the produce isle because I think I spotted someone I knew from school

I’m 31 and sitting at my desk typing up what sounds and feels like a whiney ass rant…

About that rant…

This is not a fishing expedition, I don’t need anyone to tell me how pretty I am or that its all in my head. I am not here for compliments. I’m here with a question

Are you ever just a bitch to yourself? I am and I don’t know why. I treat myself (especially when it comes to looks) like this annoying little snot nosed cousin that spends the whole day following you around when you want to be looking cool with your friends.

It’s like subconsciously I could be more/do more if I was in a different body.

In a way it is  like I’d expect a transgender person to feel, when the inside doesn’t match the outside. But instead of gender it’s something else, like I look at the dumpy ridiculously plain reflection in the mirror and it’s not me. In my head I’m not as plain as this. I’m prettier maybe. I don’t have to hide quite as much. Hide my skinniness as a youngster and my fatness as an adult. The gap in my teeth isn’t so big and neither is the chip from trying to be cool and open a bottle with my teeth. I’m not this bleugh in my head.

This morning I cried. Real no jokes tears because a friend wanted me to do an impromptu video clip for something and the thought shook me.

I can’t be seen unfiltered, unprepared, unrehearsed.

In person I don’t mind. I’ll talk in front of crowds even, because then I see them, I don’t see me…Me is the problem… why is me the problem

My son actually said one day while I tried to take a selfie with him…Why do you hide behind your hair, lets take a picture without your hair, I like your face. Now I find myself worrying how my insecurities are affecting him.

My hearts prayer is to find acceptance in this vessel, to not hate everything, but my tattoos and occasionally my hair. This year I want to change things. Not plastic surgery not diet, my mind…I’m going to change this and I am going to stop being such a bitch to myself…because really who is gaining anything here?

Ai in the words of that Mulan song “When will my reflection show who I am inside”

Is there something you are mean to yourself about?