Laura from Harrassed Mom asked me to be part of her body positive campaign and initially I was reluctant because, if I’m honest with myself, I am not all that body positive . But it did remind me of how I let my lack of self confidence rob me of a special moment.
I recently, as in last month, turned down the opportunity to be my sisters bridesmaid. There is no weirdness between us we annoy and love each others as siblings do. She’s my little sister, I’ve known her since I was just about to turn nine and my mom insisted on bringing a third child into the home.
Because of the age gap we haven’t hung out much through the years, not until super recently, in fact these days she’s one of my closest friends so why would I say no to one of my closest friends when she asked me to stand by her side during one of the biggest days of her life?
I was there for the first days of school, her first communion at church, I was there through first boyfriend stories and even held her hand as she became a mom. But when it came to the big show I turned emoji green, laughed it off and said no, and then I went home.
I said no because, surely she was kidding, I said no because I didn’t what to spoil her pictures that’s why.
Because her and the other two bridesmaids matriculated when I was already old and married and they can buy clothes off the rack and their hair looks flawless all the flippen time, and they know how to contour and highlight, and me? I just want to hide away from cameras.
I didn’t want people looking at her photos and wondering why I was there, was I just super needy and forced my close to expired behind into the pics?
I got home and she messaged me again, telling me she was serious and wanted ME there. No one else, so I reluctantly said yes and then had a panic attack.
I couldn’t tell my husband that I felt to ugly to be in my sisters wedding, firstly , that’s not sexy and secondly, he seems to have got it into his head that I’m beautiful no matter what so he wouldn’t get it.
He wouldn’t get that sometimes I pretend that I’m not feeling well so I can get out of going to parties because I feel like nothing fits me and people are ALL looking at me. They all remember be as the skinny little thing they met and now, here – looking like I ate that skinny little thing – I feel exposed and quite frankly I feel ugly.
I feel ugly as I walk around in the mall and notice someone who knew me from school/university/my twenties…the time before I was “cute for a chubby girl”
It’s weird because I don’t find bigger people unattractive, I never have. The most beautiful people I have known in my life have been on the jollier side of plump, I can appreciate beauty in curves and dimples, but on me….
Actually even when I was skinny, a size 6 , I hated my boney body with it’s tendency to wear clothes like a cheap hanger. It occurred to me that I have never ever been body positive.
I thought all this because my sister asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said no
It occurred to me that I was the problem. If you can’t be happy at any s size between six to sixteen then size is not the issue here. I need to learn to love the skin that I’m in…
This body that literally fought it’s way back from deaths door , the body who carried a second child despite doctors fears, this body that gets up and goes despite, depression and anxiety and the aches and pains that accompany it.
I need to stop seeing myself as less than. I need to be able to take a compliment without rolling my eyes like a slot machine.
That’s my vision for this year. I want to lose weight, but not the weight that will get me back into a bikini. I want to lose the mental weight that follows me around telling me dumb things I really should be paying no attention to.
This year I want to be as proud of my outside as I am of my inside (I’m actually quite a nice person, hey, I am).
So here goes to a year of taking that photo and doing that activity even if it means you will end up as the background in someone else’s selfie.
Life is too short to live yours feeling less than, so here’s to more of me and more body positivity …
Because body positive doesn’t mean fat glorification (you dumb internet troll) it means not hating yourself and I’m here for that!