Category: chat

March into March

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March scares me! Your birthday month is supposed to be joyous, but mine scares me! This month (Thursday to be exact) should be when we celebrate Logan’s birthday but instead we commemorate 2 years since his death the next day…March is also a year since my Godmother died without getting to meet Aidan, in fact I was in hospital with him during her funeral…now this March another aunt whom I’m extremely close to is due for an operation and as we pray for her health and reminisce on those lost I find myself scared and cautious, I don’t want it, no the whole idea makes me want to opt out…I get a lump in my throat and a sudden bout of “hay fever” just thing about it…so wake me up in april b4 aidan’s birthday(still lots to do) but after all these trigger dates which await me like a movie where you know the ending is sad but can’t help but watch anyway and cry, AGAIN…..
But then again I can’t think or live like that, for the first time in years my birthday is looming and I’m not sick, we haven’t lost anyone and I have something to look forward 2…yeah this March – I pray – will be the turning point….NO FEAR JUST FAITH! ….
Love you always Logan and Aunty Eunice :'(
JustEllaBella

Some stock-taking

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So I’m typing this sitting in the middle of a war zone of sorts, I’m covered in sticky residue from Aidan’s snacks, his toys are everywhere and I’m sipping on a cup of coffee silently as I don’t want to wake him up…I’m tired and too lazy to tackle a bunch of projects I have going…freelance articles to write, photoshoots to set up, parties to plan oh not to mention sunday lunch needs to be prepared and I should consider a shower,so it’s safe to say I’m overwhelmed!!!! Thing is, I’m overwhelmed but in a good way! I’m HAPPY!!! Being a mom and wife and having my job and hobbies can get a lil much BUT it’s all on my own terms and I’m soooo blessed to have that. I have my day job where I get to design and organise and troubleshoot and be a grown up, it’s the good kind of challenging – especially since my recent promotion (still miss having Robyn at work though) then I have my “side job”, freelance writing, since I’m not a full time writer I get to write what I want to and when I want to (well sorta, deadlines are still deadlines and editor still need to “okay” my ideas) Photography is such a fun hobby, I get to do shoots on my own terms and plan or just whip out my camera and snap pics and just have fun, then there is all the party planning, I LOOOOVVVVEEEE IT! Love coming up with ideas and making it happen, esp for people I love. I also craft (with eye on prize of online store in future) and I’m co-authoring a book and trying to lose weight (I know it sounds like a lot, but I get bored easily-so I pretty much jump between projects) not to mention hanging out with friends, drives with my lil family and Aidan’s crazy social calender (seems it’s birthday season)
Then there is Robin and Aidan, they are my first priorities, and I must admit, growing up shy and feeling pretty much like an outsider, I never thought I’d ever experience love like this, Robin treats me like a queen(not counting times I have wanted to punch him,lol) and Aidan looks at me like I’m a super hero (a nappy changing, baby food making, boo-boo kissing super hero).
Then I have all these amazing friends and family…. I’m extremely blessed and looking at what I have been through in my 28+ years and all the obstacles I overcame I feel like I deserve a leeetle pat on my back, just a little one as all the glory still goes to God šŸ™‚ BLESSED!

Feeling a lil sad this morning

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Last year around this time I had three months before my son got here and the doctor gave my aunt roughly that long to live as her cancer was progressing,FAST. It was the most heart wrenching time of my life, after losing Logan pregnancy was nerve wrecking I just wanted him in my arms where I could see him and every pain wouldn’t send me into a frenzy, but if I wished time away I’d lose my aunt fasterā€¦I ended up losing her the week he was born, I think she knew she would never get to meet himā€¦at first she lapped up stories of ultra sounds and was super excited to see what I had done with his room, she touched my stomach and felt him kick and discussed the importance of a good name, but later she only glanced at scans, changed the subject and even said she hopes she gets to be there for me and Aidy stopping the conversation right thereā€¦I miss her so much! especially now as I’m planning Aidan’s birthday party, she LOVED planning things and would indulge me as I spoke ad nauseum of silly things like what I wanted cake to look like-my mom on the other hand is of the, “do whatever you want Elle, I’ll support you regardless but I don’t plan so far ahead” school of organising.
The idea that my aunt never got to meet Aidan breaks my heart, when he sleeps I sometimes just hold him and cry for all the people he never got to meet like my aunt, his grandfather and his big brother ā€¦ Morbid I know but all the losses were so condensed I don’t know if I ever worked through them all, this includes the friends I lost. Aahhh guess I’m just having a sad day, life has been very overwhelming of late and I find myself deeply “just leave me here with a slab of chocolate and a box of tissues” sad. Have you ever had those days when you know you have a lot to be thankful for, but things you are unthankful for like no time with your baby, no clothes that fit, comments about being fat, Your husband’s PTSD, your own depression, and so on and so forth overshadow themā€¦I just want opt out of life every now and again and today is one of those daysā€¦I need a hug, feel free to send virtual ones.
The sun will come out tomorrow. . . Just venting šŸ˜‰
Sent from my BlackBerryĀ®

In need of a mental pause button

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I havenā€™t blogged in a while,I mean to and then just dont do, life gets so hectic sometimes and I often forget to stop and be in the here and now (this started as a kid when I would read ahead of the other kids in class because they were taking to long and then I’d get into trouble because when it came to my turn to read out loud,I would have started reading whatever book I had snuck in and have NO CLUE where I was supposed to be)  mentally Iā€™m always like that, I will be eating supper thinking about dessert (canā€™t tell you the amount of times my parents asked me to just slow down for a secondā€¦ ā€œclear your mind and relaxā€, my dad would say [mind you, he still does] but I can never seem to do that for very long because my mind is already on page two thinking what I can think about after not thinking [yes Iā€™m THAT crazy, hehe]ā€¦ It has become so bad that I will be in conversation with someone about [lets say] flowers, then I think, ā€œmust not forget to tell them about [lets say] catsā€, and I actually lose my place in my own conversation, those close to me are getting a little too used to me asking, ā€œwhat was I saying againā€ it even happens when Iā€™m making mental notes and I have to stop and think ā€œwhat was I thinking againā€ YES PEOPLE Iā€™VE GOT ADVANCED FOMO [fear of missing out] IN MY OWN MIND!!!!
I notice that I do this with Aidan too, as much as I love watching him grow, I often wonder, ā€œwhat next?ā€ ( and I realize this is wrong-in fact this [in many ways] is what is prompting me to change things and slow down) When  Aidan first smiled I wonder when he would laugh or now that he sits up and I wonder when he will sit unsupportedā€¦But no more!!!
Life is way too short to live life like a preview reel, always interested in the coming attractions and not focusing on the movie playing right now.
I want to spend more time in the here and now, blog more, laugh more and [for goodness sake] relax more
WISH ME LUCK

Getting real with myself

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I’m pretty honest these days, extremely honest, in fact you would be hard pressed to find a question I would not answer…
This is a far cry from my youth – no I was not a serial liar – I just wanted to “belong” so badly that my opinions became intertwined in other peoples beliefs. I’ve been to countless movies that I didn’t particularly want to see,I’ve eaten meals I would not have chosen and I’ve done things I couldn’t afford (my credit card bills are evidence of this)
When it comes to love I was so desperate for adoration I found myself in situations which now make me cringe and in hind sight were pretty dangerous.
My whole aura seemed to scream “I’m worthy! Please love me”
Thinking back, some friends did warn me but at the time I thought they were just boring and meddlesome.
I got out of my destructive behavior pretty unharmed-except for cringing at memories- and now I look at myself and think, good job Ella.
I’m glad you finally have the courage to say no to the small things, it means you can say no when it counts. I’m glad you are willing to admit that although you would love caviar you are currently on a burger budget (can’t even super size), I’m glad you can take criticism and realise sometimes people are just trying to help, other times not so much…
Everyday you grow, everyday you learn and I must say you’ve come a long way and I’m quite proud šŸ™‚
Sent from my BlackBerryĀ®