Category: me moment

Life at a glance:

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Sooooo what happening in my world at the moment? Well I blow dried my hair for the first time since like October last year-should be curly again by the weekend. I’m really not good at being one of those neatly styled people…I’m just not. What else?
Well I’m having a gastric scope and biopsy done tomorrow which will hopefully give me some answers regarding me being one size in the morning and bloating by two sizes by afternoon, not to mention this pain associated with eating thing, and the nausia (this one gave me a bit of a scare) I’m also having extensive allergy tests done because having every meal cause you pain is apparently not normal, neither is constant, gnawing hunger…..ooooh maybe after treatment I can start losing weight – a girl can hope can’t she.  

Work is interesting, I’m swamped and stressed out, which means things are right on track for this office, hehehe. I’m still looking for freelance writing opportunities though, so hold thumbs, or better yet employ me 😉

On the home front, I want to kill Rob with impressive regularity which must mean we are still happily married :p and Aidan is becoming such a little busy body I need to take vitamins just to keep up, I kid you not!!! The kid can’t walk yet, but he gets around and on/in/under things so fast I’m ashamed to say I have uttered the words “where the heck is Aidan now” more than once…

On the getting healthy and not rolling after each other at the beach this Dec front: Rob and I have decided to give up take-aways or at least limit to once a month(maybe twice so each of us gets a turn to chose) so we will be going back to exclusively home cooked meals and packed lunches…Rob still gyms,  I’ve frozen my gym contract because I just can’t get there (working hours + lack of gym buddy + taking the train for a month or two again to save money = me paying gym fees like it’s some sort of charity)…so now I need to find alternative form of exercise, for at least the next 6 months (that is how long I’m frozen for-after which I will be coming into city with car again and will hopefully have gym partner again) Anyways that is where I am and where things are…

 

HAPPY TUESDAY, Oh did I mention this is officially my last year as a 20something…time to work on me before 30 list

 

BEFORE 30 LIST….

  1. Start a before 30 list

Some stock-taking

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So I’m typing this sitting in the middle of a war zone of sorts, I’m covered in sticky residue from Aidan’s snacks, his toys are everywhere and I’m sipping on a cup of coffee silently as I don’t want to wake him up…I’m tired and too lazy to tackle a bunch of projects I have going…freelance articles to write, photoshoots to set up, parties to plan oh not to mention sunday lunch needs to be prepared and I should consider a shower,so it’s safe to say I’m overwhelmed!!!! Thing is, I’m overwhelmed but in a good way! I’m HAPPY!!! Being a mom and wife and having my job and hobbies can get a lil much BUT it’s all on my own terms and I’m soooo blessed to have that. I have my day job where I get to design and organise and troubleshoot and be a grown up, it’s the good kind of challenging – especially since my recent promotion (still miss having Robyn at work though) then I have my “side job”, freelance writing, since I’m not a full time writer I get to write what I want to and when I want to (well sorta, deadlines are still deadlines and editor still need to “okay” my ideas) Photography is such a fun hobby, I get to do shoots on my own terms and plan or just whip out my camera and snap pics and just have fun, then there is all the party planning, I LOOOOVVVVEEEE IT! Love coming up with ideas and making it happen, esp for people I love. I also craft (with eye on prize of online store in future) and I’m co-authoring a book and trying to lose weight (I know it sounds like a lot, but I get bored easily-so I pretty much jump between projects) not to mention hanging out with friends, drives with my lil family and Aidan’s crazy social calender (seems it’s birthday season)
Then there is Robin and Aidan, they are my first priorities, and I must admit, growing up shy and feeling pretty much like an outsider, I never thought I’d ever experience love like this, Robin treats me like a queen(not counting times I have wanted to punch him,lol) and Aidan looks at me like I’m a super hero (a nappy changing, baby food making, boo-boo kissing super hero).
Then I have all these amazing friends and family…. I’m extremely blessed and looking at what I have been through in my 28+ years and all the obstacles I overcame I feel like I deserve a leeetle pat on my back, just a little one as all the glory still goes to God 🙂 BLESSED!

Feeling a lil sad this morning

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Last year around this time I had three months before my son got here and the doctor gave my aunt roughly that long to live as her cancer was progressing,FAST. It was the most heart wrenching time of my life, after losing Logan pregnancy was nerve wrecking I just wanted him in my arms where I could see him and every pain wouldn’t send me into a frenzy, but if I wished time away I’d lose my aunt faster…I ended up losing her the week he was born, I think she knew she would never get to meet him…at first she lapped up stories of ultra sounds and was super excited to see what I had done with his room, she touched my stomach and felt him kick and discussed the importance of a good name, but later she only glanced at scans, changed the subject and even said she hopes she gets to be there for me and Aidy stopping the conversation right there…I miss her so much! especially now as I’m planning Aidan’s birthday party, she LOVED planning things and would indulge me as I spoke ad nauseum of silly things like what I wanted cake to look like-my mom on the other hand is of the, “do whatever you want Elle, I’ll support you regardless but I don’t plan so far ahead” school of organising.
The idea that my aunt never got to meet Aidan breaks my heart, when he sleeps I sometimes just hold him and cry for all the people he never got to meet like my aunt, his grandfather and his big brother … Morbid I know but all the losses were so condensed I don’t know if I ever worked through them all, this includes the friends I lost. Aahhh guess I’m just having a sad day, life has been very overwhelming of late and I find myself deeply “just leave me here with a slab of chocolate and a box of tissues” sad. Have you ever had those days when you know you have a lot to be thankful for, but things you are unthankful for like no time with your baby, no clothes that fit, comments about being fat, Your husband’s PTSD, your own depression, and so on and so forth overshadow them…I just want opt out of life every now and again and today is one of those days…I need a hug, feel free to send virtual ones.
The sun will come out tomorrow. . . Just venting 😉
Sent from my BlackBerry®

I miss you most at Christmas

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Warning: Don’t read if, like some, you find posts about my late son tiresome….

I’m not over it! I know “I should be” , I’m expected to be, but I’m not.
Yes I have to most adorable little boy and yes I’m happy with him and my husband but truth is, I don’t think my husband or myself will ever be 100% fine.
At heart I’m still the girl who was rushed to hospital unaware of what lay ahead, the one who blames herself for not noticing signs before, like the cramping that night – that night that before now didn’t raise any warning bells. I’m the one who naively phoned her dad excited to be able to visit her son for the first time but was instead greeted by the tear stained face of her husband, who had just washed his hands in preparation of spending time with his newborn son, but was instead faced with the most grim of realities, his sons death, and was now forced to convey that message to a wife who in his mind was still standing at deaths door – a message relayed by doctors and grief stricken family the day before.
I’m still the girl who had a tiny white coffin in her lounge, next to the piano which belonged to my husbands late grandmother and couches given to me as a wedding present by my now deceased,but then extremely supportive, aunt.
I’m the girl who dragged herself to her feet and fought back the looming depression and instead of letting pain consume her, started life anew.
A life that now includes a bouncing baby boy who at birth couldn’t breath, and who had nurses,doctors,friends and family praying to God to not let this couple,who were holding on to a tiny fragment of hope,experience again what they did just over a year before …..A little boy who as I type lays beside me, an angel of 8 months old who has renewed in me a sense that broken hearts can indeed love and NO I’m not over it and that’s OK, Logan is his bother and my son and his short little life was not insignificant, it taught me so much and for that I will be eternally grateful….
Merry Christmas Loggie Bear

Monday morning confessions. . .

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The truth about me…so turns out I’m greedy , not referring to my  need to spontaneously consume anything chocolate within a 5metre radius, no this is  more a  “lifestyle greed” Firstly don’t get me wrong my husband, son, friends and family make me ridiculously (I could probably sell this life for a pretty penny on auction) happy. But sometimes when I’m going through the “society pages” I miss being part of THAT, I miss the guest lists,  the trips for work and VIP treatment. Sometimes I want to trade running after a baby for running in heels. I want to interview people with exciting lives and be on the front line to see the latest fashions and try out the latest treatment or gadget.
Then I look at Aidan with his need to dance to anything rhythmic (this includes construction next door) and I want to just cuddle with him for hours and blow bubbles under our tree and go on long drives with him and Rob. I want to craft/create in the lounge while  I listen to my boys fight over dominance over the remote control or Rob complain that Aidan has switched off his laptop AGAIN!
I love that I have that and that I can do that, but then there is a part of me that wants to dress up, hobnob and mingle . . .
Just so there is no misunderstanding, I love my job, I like the design and organizational aspect of it. I like seeing a project through to the end and I like being challenged like this, also,  I knew what I was getting myself into when I gave up my previous position…
I wanted stability and a family and I have that now.
I guess sometimes I just want it  all, I love what I have now and the state of things but . . . I’m only human and a goody bag every now and again wouldn’t hurt, hehehe.

Trading Woe for Whoa!

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Okay so try to stay with me here because I might not be making 100% sense but here goes, so my friend Sal over at this blog had a status up yesterday “Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction . Break the habit. Talk about your joys”
 It got me thinking…I actually believe talking about our problems is very healing because sometimes you just need to vent and also you don’t know who is either going through a similar thing or could even help you in your situation. But Sal is VERY RIGHT we just don’t speak about our joys enough, we just don’t ,we can be such negative Nancys (no offence to anyone named Nancy, hehe).
This in turn got me thinking about how “woe is me” I’ve been lately, my weight has just been such a source of unhappiness and at my job I have had to deal with a lot of confrontation (part of my job, yes – part of my personality, no), then there is our finances and pending dental work which is likely to break both bank and spirit (really hoping braces are not my only option) – I’ve just been really down on myself and I am determined to stop that nonsense.
– I need to remember: If God is for me who can be against me, I am extremely blessed and it is time I start living like that again.
So what if the weight loss thing is taking longer than I’d hoped, I’m still losing and every little bit helps (another 1.5kg at yesterdays weigh in,  go me)
So what if I can’t afford all the things I’d like, I’m still blessed to have more than many and with careful planning I can even share
So what if I haven’t slept in ages, I do it for  a wonderful little boy who is teething and for him I’d give up all the sleep in the world (and I think I have, hehe)
So what if work has been stressful, this is what I do , not what I am J
-My friend, Robyn’s, 14-month-old son Blake has a tendency to say Whoa for things A LOT! Not “woe is me” WHOA! As in WOW DID YOU SEE THAT! He does it when something happens in his favorite cartoon, when he sees animals, when anything excites him , whoa to anything really, and I think that’s a good philosophy, it wouldn’t hurt to see the special things in every day and to grab opportunities to make you happy….
Like yesterday when I needed to do something in Kirkwood, and Robin decided that it would be a waste to just go back home, “why not go on a game drive at Addo Elephant National Park” (which Rob recons should be renamed Addo Buck park because that is all you really see) and for once I didn’t shoot him down and explain.. 1. We don’t have money for such frivolities  2. We are spending a weekend on a game farm at the end of November so technically this is redundant 3. In this heat I’d rather sit under my favourite tree at home.
Instead I said sure lets go and we ended up having a blast even though Aidan could literally not care less about where we were.
We got to spend time together as a family and although my heart broke when I realised I didn’t have my camera with me, I just took in the wonder of God’s creation and thought about how lucky we are to live in a part of the world where you can go on a game drive on a whim
GOD IS GOOD! HAVE A BLESSED MID WEEK! And remember to see the WHOA! In your day