I miss you most at Christmas

Warning: Don’t read if, like some, you find posts about my late son tiresome….

I’m not over it! I know “I should be” , I’m expected to be, but I’m not.
Yes I have to most adorable little boy and yes I’m happy with him and my husband but truth is, I don’t think my husband or myself will ever be 100% fine.
At heart I’m still the girl who was rushed to hospital unaware of what lay ahead, the one who blames herself for not noticing signs before, like the cramping that night – that night that before now didn’t raise any warning bells. I’m the one who naively phoned her dad excited to be able to visit her son for the first time but was instead greeted by the tear stained face of her husband, who had just washed his hands in preparation of spending time with his newborn son, but was instead faced with the most grim of realities, his sons death, and was now forced to convey that message to a wife who in his mind was still standing at deaths door – a message relayed by doctors and grief stricken family the day before.
I’m still the girl who had a tiny white coffin in her lounge, next to the piano which belonged to my husbands late grandmother and couches given to me as a wedding present by my now deceased,but then extremely supportive, aunt.
I’m the girl who dragged herself to her feet and fought back the looming depression and instead of letting pain consume her, started life anew.
A life that now includes a bouncing baby boy who at birth couldn’t breath, and who had nurses,doctors,friends and family praying to God to not let this couple,who were holding on to a tiny fragment of hope,experience again what they did just over a year before …..A little boy who as I type lays beside me, an angel of 8 months old who has renewed in me a sense that broken hearts can indeed love and NO I’m not over it and that’s OK, Logan is his bother and my son and his short little life was not insignificant, it taught me so much and for that I will be eternally grateful….
Merry Christmas Loggie Bear

One thought on “I miss you most at Christmas

  1. Shauna says:

    <3 Logan <3 ALWAYS REMEMBERED–NEVER FORGOTTEN <3 I am remembering Logan with you this Christmas–I wrote his name on a Christmas bow that is hanging on my Angel Tree. Tomorrow night I will be lighting a candle under this tree in remembrance of him. ((Hugs))

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