Category: me moment

Cheer up little one

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At 1.53m tall many a person has referred to me as “little one” throughout my life, even now when I’m staring 30 in the face and have put on more weight than I’d care to mention, I’m still “little one”
This is just an explanation of my headline, it has nothing to do with the post really….

I’m sad, I’m very sad, the kind of sad I haven’t experienced since I was about 16 and convinced “no one understood me” they really didn’t though, don’t think they do now. I’m very much a square peg trying to fit into the round hole that is my extended family.

My mom says I was a high maintenance emotional toddler and people just never knew how to respond to my questions that were far more Charles Dickens than Barney and Friends…

I questioned life and death and purpose and didn’t (don’t) crave physical touch or closeness quite as much as I crave understanding and knowledge. “I don’t need you to hug me I need you to understand where I’m coming from”

My dad reckoned I watched too much TV and got sucked into a emo phase by a hearty mixture of 7th Heaven and Dawson’s Creek – Actually I watched Love Boat and Documentaries…

My aunt who always “got me” is dead now, they lay her to rest as I lay in hospital praying for my son to breath on his own…ironically he  leaves me out of breath these days…

I miss her, I need her to tell me that it’s okay if people don’t get you. and help me understand why family agreeing to a phrase as simple as “Just because something is important to you, doesn’t mean it will be important to someone else” stings a little.

I said it trying to convince myself , I didn’t expect a sigh of “sheesh finally she gets it” relief.

I’m sad the kind of sad that mirrors the rain tapping at my window and I find myself drawing into myself, I hate that, I hate when the darkness threatens to overtake my emotions and depression rears it’s ugly head. I want to be happy in the here and now, I want to experience the exuberant joy spending time with my husband and son usually brought and not feel like that 11 year old girl reading a book on the back seat of her dads car watching her family party outside, just outside of reach. Too young for the adults and too old for the kids…

I feel cut off from my life and I just don’t know how to fix it. I know that wanting people to be there for me and my child as completely as I try to be there for them is unreasonable. Everyone has their own love language, their own priorities.

Sometimes just sometimes I’d like to be one of those people people bend over backwards for, not the agreeable whatever you want I will just fall in line person…

BLEUGH!!! Vent over! Here’s to that silver lining, that bright tomorrow and that chocolate in my bag.

If I was Oprah. . .

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You know how when Oprah had a full out show and not these televised empowerment meetings?
She used to do a list of her “Favourite Things” (Think they still have that in her magazine) then she would give everyone a gift bag or gift car (she is Oprah after all) with all the swag in it?
You know…”You’re alllllllll getting one” ? Well,  I’m not Oprah and I don’t have the power to grant you a bag of swag under your chair 🙁  Honestly the only thing under my chair is a half eaten bikie (biscuit) left by Aidan…

BUT if I did have that power, what would be in these bags? well here are my current favourite five, I used to do this monthly, here’s to bringing back a monthly list of my favs… because sometimes I find awesome things and need to share it with you because uhm IT’S AWESOME

If I was Oprah you would get….

Amla Legend Rejuvenating Ritual Replenishing Hair Mask. If you have curly hair THIS will save your life, it is so slick and makes detangling a breeze. You know how when you put a conditioner on your hair and you notice the difference within SECONDS? well use this and you will do a happy dance in the shower… I use it as a conditioner instead of a mask because my hair has special needs 😉 but honestly it’s great and it’s a BARGAIN around R30 a tub and so worth it!

Jumpsuits I usually stay away from things that have the potential to make me look like a patterned Teletubby. But for some reason I fit one on while in MrP and LOVED it. I think it might be the fact that it is one design or one solid colour that works for me…you know how they are always telling short people to wear one shade from head to toe as to not cut themselves in half? I think this helps with that.  I love that with a jacket I can look all chic but they  still give me the freedom to pick up Aidan and play around without my bits and pieces hanging out…I actually own two now.
Leap Frog’s My Pal Scout Aidan loves this thing! I must admit that  I squinted at the price a little a lot but I am very pleased with my decision to get it. You program Scout with your kids name, favourite songs, favourite animal, favourite colour and so on and Scout interacts with him/her.
Scout even plays bedtime music which is great for kids who are into that sort of thing…Aidan just dances to the music…He has learnt to change songs till he finds his favourite which is a little diddy that plays in my mind constantly “me and my pal Aidan, we love to do everything together. . . .”  Scout then suggests actions and Aidan actually does it. I wonder if I could get Scout to tell him to eat. (Tried this and Aidan ended up feeding Scout instead ) Scout plays games, sings songs and asks for hugs and cuddles, much cuteness (they have Violet for girls)
Organic Coconut oil because this is a truly versatile product! I’m not usually for “jack of all trade” products. I just think if a product is shampooing and conditioning and acting as a body wash it’s doing a poor job of at least one of those things…But coconut oil is AWESOME, I use it as a daily hair treatment, mix it in with my body scrubs, use it as a moisturiser, do hot oil treatments, remove make-up and cook with it yes people it is THAT awesome.

Nescafe Cappucinno sticks  are a great midday pick-me-up. It’s low in calories but makes you feel like a fancy person having cappuccino at your desk. It’s also much cheaper than running down to your local coffee shop for a take-away and did I say it’s yummy? because it is

* This is not a sponsored posts, I bought these things with my own money and will continue to do so because. It’s cool like that 🙂

So I’ve learnt to shut up…finally (kinda)

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So this morning someone said something to me which hurt my feelings, I don’t think she was trying to be mean, she was making conversation and the context was a little hurtful.
This made me think of times I’ve said things that hurt people and I just didn’t mean it like that.
I have this memory of years ago at fashion week in Brazil when a Canadian fashion editor asked me if I had kids and I said no, but I’d like to start early because I would hate to be a old mom.
Turns out she was in her 40s and had her first child recently, so my comment was stupid and immature (hey I young and stupid).
I kinda gossiped about the editor of a Japanese magazine because I thought her dress sense was fake and she was just trying to get into magazines, but turns out she just liked being different.
I was a bitch, but in a weird way, like I just said stuff without thinking, said things to fill the silence …. that phase of my life haunts me. Recently I was even looking for the lady from Canada’s name so I could apologise.
I’m haunted by things I’ve said to people, and have sent messages “you know I didn’t mean it in a bad way” more than once.
I just don’t want to hurt people’s feelings because that whole sticks and stones thing is quite a lie.
Words can hurt…So these days I try to be careful of what I say and try to remind myself that saying to someone, “are you okay you look tired” could be taken as “you look awful how could you leave the house like that”
Have a great weekend and remember that staying quiet if you have nothing good to say is actually pretty good advice

 

Remembering little lives lost

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October is a lot of things…it’s pink month in aid of breast cancer awareness, it’s Ocsober to promote sobriety and even Rocktober in some places..
Although cancer and alcoholism are both issues close to my heart, this month means something else to us, it’s Pregnancy and Childloss month…A month to reflect on all the little ones who spent only a moment in their parents arms but a lifetime in their hearts.
On National childloss day, Oct 15th, we are urged to light a candle for our fallen angels…This project goes on around the world in an attempt to keep a light going across the globe  for 24 hours.
Although most parents aren’t quite as vocal as I am regarding child loss statistics show that there are a growing number of us greaving parents, so even if you personally haven’t lost a baby why not light a candle and remember someone who had their light put out too soon 🙂 I will be lighting not only for Logan but for the amazing women and their families I haven met on my journey

*on a different note I strongly believe in the power of prayer so please pray for me as I get my test results today.. it’s a third set of tests trying to pin point why I have been so sick lately. Seriously tying Aidan’s shoe feels like a 5km race. Everything exhausts me and I have had a headache for about a month now…I just want them to find something so I can deal with it…I don’t need easy just possible

When you just need a TIME OUT

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Have you ever felt so overwhelmed with life you just want to nap!
I’m currently feeling like I’m on this tightrope suspended over tons of work and deadlines and decisions waiting to be made.
 While on the tightrope I’m trying to work out a budget around SARS’ need for me to give them money despite me contesting their findings and being granted a penalty cancellation. Basically they are saying “oh oops, ja you don’t owe us money, but give it to us anyway”.
I need to win the lottery, or just have someone hand me a bunch of cash because SARS is being joined by an account I thought I had closed  ages ago which has been accumulating interest for literally YEARS now – how they neglected to tell me during all this time is beyond me. Oh and our TV decided it would rather not work any more.
In this mental image of my tightrope walking self, I’m gaining weight from what seems like carbo-loaded air, I  have a baby on my hip, saying ma ma ma ma ma ma over and over while throwing food around and refusing to sleep…In my left ear I have an estate agent waiting for me to decide if my dream home is worth not eating for a year or so and in my  right ear I have my husband (bless him) trying to “fix everything” as he clearly doesn’t know that this overwhelmed feeling does not listen to common sense all that well.
Meanwhile we are waiting for test results for my gran who seems to have a tumor on the brain which is making her delusional and aggressive. She doesn’t recognise anyone and my mom is on her way to CT to see her. So now I need to find someone to watch Aidan.
It’s so weird because the everyday me can handle all these little things pretty well, but I am just soooooooo tense and tired at the moment I fear the next person to annoy me will have their head promptly bitten off and handed to them in a plastic packet ( Yes a packet, I’m so out of it I cant even bring myself to craft a beautiful box for the severed head)
I need some sort of  pick me up…..

What do you do when you need the world to stop for a second?

Oh and as for pictures of my weekend, the only pictures I have are the ones I took at two Women’s Day events..which you can see HERE🙂

Learning to live and let live

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I never thought of myself as judgemental. Thanks largely to my mom, I have had a pretty liberal upbringing and have always believed that everyone has the right to live their lives the way they see fit….
But a recent conversation with good friends got me thinking…”How judgemental am I really”
One friend voiced her displeasure at seeing seductive pictures on FB where the women have hairy underarms and the other friend asked. . . “but who says shaving is a must?”. . . after trying to sneak a peak at that friend’s underarms (hairless in case you were wondering), I thought to myself, “really who decides these things”

So here I am trying to live a less judgemental life when it comes to the small things… I’m pretty sorted with the big things, like I don’t worry myself about other peoples, religious, political or sexual decisions but the little things need some work….

Some things that make me raise a eyebrow are:

– Super hairy legs in mini skirts
– Sexy arm in the air pictures with hairy underarms
– Shaving off eyebrows to draw them back on
– Extensively ornate hairstyles on a day-to-day basis (like farewell/prom styles to the shop)
– Foundation that doesn’t match your skin colour
– Children past the toddler stage who are still being breastfed
– People that tag themselves with complements #sosexy #hotness #fierce
– People older than me who still have party everyday college like lifestyles
– and the whole those are not pants they are tights or in some cases STOCKINGS thing

I figure that if I want people to respect my decisions I need to give them the same courtesy…
So here is to a life less judgemental!!!

Happy Thursday people 🙂 wish me luck, I just saw someone in practically see through tights and up went the brow!