Today I’m thankful for my life, this one is not such a no brainer as you might think. I remember waking up in hospital being told I was lucky to be alive, that Logan and I were “tough cookies” who survived when it looked like they’d lose us both.
I was proud of that, we had beat the odds. But when he died that pride was GONE, replaced with GUILT! How dare I be alive when my baby wasn’t. How could I go ahead and win the “life lottery” the same lottery which deemed my son, a loser?
I wanted to die, I wanted to go to him, I didn’t want this stinking life my friends and family were so thankful for.
Besides what kind of life is it? My body has been butchered and my mind is a constant dark place with one thought playing over and over, “I want my Logan, give me back my baby”.
The days are filled with heartache and the nights filled with nightmares, I sure don’t feel lucky like the nurses insisted I was.
Therapy,soul searching and loads of “talking about my feelings” has helped, I still have dark days or moments but I’m starting to realise that God must have a plan for me if he helped me beat the odds.
Last night a woman who lost her precious twin boys, reached out to me, at first I was freaked out, what assistance can one heartbroken person offer another? But I realised how the women I have reached out to have helped me (and I remember how difficult reaching out was) and I wanted to offer some support.
We chatted for ages, both leaving the conversation feeling a little lighter.
That is when I decided I’m going to make my dream a reality. A support group of some sort, because no one should have to go through this alone!
So now I’m thankful for my life, the life I intend to use to honour God and the memory of my brave little boy.
*I’m still sad and miss my baby immensely but guess I’m learning to live with the longing-I don’t get to have him in my arms, but he is forever in my heart